Dear Siksha Guru Maharaja, Hare Krishna; please kindly accept my most humble obesisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your own good self for your lifetime of exemplary service to Prabhupada and Krishna.
I trust that all is going well for you in your devotional service.
HpS - We feel that is kind of like writing to Arjuna during the Battle of Kuruksetra. 😆
My rounds are done thins morning, and since the house in peaceful for the moment, I feel like putting aside my online reading from Srimad Bhagavatam to write this letter to you. As writing is not something that I am very accomplished at, I need to be able to have a quiet space, like when the whole world is asleep, for me to say those things that are there in my heart. How I wish the whole world could hear such things.
My morning sadhana continues as usual. My chanting is the most valuable period of my life. As I chant, I reflect on how I am now an old man, although much of the time I don't feel old. I wonder how and when I will leave my body, and whether Krishna will allow me to think of Him at that precise moment of my passing. Will I be alone, or will I have a devotee nearby keeping me company as I pass: I should be so lucky. Thoughts such as these often come to mind during my japa, instead being attentive to the service of chanting itself. I am reminded of the verse in Bhagavad gita 6.26, wherein Krishna says "From whereever and whenever the mind wanders due to its flickering and unsteady nature, one must certainly withdraw it and bring it back under control." Arjuna was absolutely right in expressing his description of the restless mind.
When I am chanting I do so out of sheer desperation, knowing that my life has been lived for the most part, and my future seems and feels so uncertain. I chant because it is my only hope for peace of mind and a meaningful existence. I chant because it is all that I know; It is all that I have in life; it is the only thing that has ever had any meaning to me. Chanting has given me a sense of purpose. It is all I can do, and thus it is all I need in order to exist. My Deity worship is also a vital part of my daily sadhana, but I really feel the strongest connection to Lord Chaitanya with my japa. I just wish that I could chant more nicely, more sincerely, and with more humility. This much alone would relieve me of so much stress and anxiety.
Books still go out during my Uber driving, though some days nothing goes out, and nobody is inquisitive about anything. A couple of Bhagavad gitas, some Higher Tastes, Perfection Of Yogas, Bhakti Yoga, and some On Chanting Hare Krishna pamphlets and other small books have been going out. Oftentimes passengers have been going through some very stressful events of their own, and when they get into the car, they seem to immediately pick up on some very different energy that is totally foreign to them. Even though they don't know anything about me, they spontaneously open up about their own sufferings. And even though they don't always take a book, they are eager to hear something to help them along in life: something that makes sense, something that tells them there is still hope for some peace of mind, and a meaningful existence. It's then that I feel energized to speak about Krishna, about karma, about bhakti. It's a truly amazing experience to serve by sharing what very little I know, instead of lecturing as if I know better and I am on a pedestal or on a Vyasasana: a truly amazing experience.
On a final note, all of these things I have shared are due to your causeless mercy. Your coming to our home during this last visit made all the difference in the world to me. It gave me hope that I am not completely outside of Lord Chaitanya's movement, and that my efforts to execute devotional service are still very real. I confess that I am very stubborn about how things are in my life at present. Still, my association with the morning classes hosted out of Hawaii have had a profound effect in inspiring me with great hope. As you well know, the association from that sanga is seasoned with devotees who have given more than 50 years of their lives to serving Srila Prabhupada, and their classes are amazingly complete with so much maturity and realizations. Their personal realizations go beyond the mere sentiments of academic study and daily mechanics of sadhana.
I will close here, before my foolishness continues to embarrass me further.
Your lowly servant,
Balabhadra dasa
HpS - ASA -- We have, agtSP, some nausea, eyes hurt, life in the material world is a great festival of contrasts.
We could not suffer unless we got some enjoyment. Otherwise there would be no contrast.
I think we are all going to end up in Nabadvipa in our next life with Nimai.
There is space in His Nabadvipa lila for everyone from Nityananda to Chand Kazi, no?
I am trying to find Sankirtan partners all the time.
Now we are working on DVAD and hope that we can connect well with Bhakti Raghava Swami.
