Yes Maharaj. At that time I was taking guidance under the one ISKCON Guru's Sanga-siksa system. He told me to follow my parents. For consultation with Sadhu, I spoke to my parents and siksha guru (arranged by them and disciple of HH RNS), all told to jump on this marriage opportunity brought by my siksha guru despite everything. And sastra says only Kshatriya women can choose their own husband/parents have right to decide spouse.
I sensed many problematic situations will come from this marriage or maybe my fear manifested them. But I also knew being vowed to solve them will result in much spiritual growth. My friends, intuition and astrologers said don’t do it: His affairs will give you sanyas life. I put my hands up and said if this is what you want Krsna, so be it.
I definitely have grown. 4yrs ago I couldn’t imagine tolerating this. I had to face a lot of internal demons: pride, inferiority complex of cowife, loneliness, attachment to conventional grhasta life, insecurity, uncertainity, anxiety, false shelter etc. I am working to mold my life closer to SP’s discipline and thus becoming more internally satiated with my personal, spiritual and material goals.
Earlier, every interaction with my husband would bite me like this many hooded serpant and I’d get fevers, and insomnia. But since you gave us shelter, we have developed some immunity to this poison and this have better sadhana. And most importantly this problem has brought our heart so much closer to yours 🙏. Serendipity. And perhaps the good is slowly revealing itself.
HpS - ASA - Thank you for giving some lucid explanation of your experiences. I think that others are getting perspectives on their own lives.
- Loves Krsna.
- Makes friends with devotees.
- Preaches to the innocent.
- Avoids the demons.
Of course, most of us are a mixture of qualities 2-4.
So, best thing in our stage is to become expert at avoiding being bitten. See the neurotic attachment of people kicking in and overwhelming their intelligence, and jumping out of their line of fire.
Eg. "Thanks, Prabhu, love to talk about that. I'll be right back!"