Hare Krsna Guru Maharaj!
Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to His Divine Grace Srila Prabhupada!
Oof. We are finally feeling a little bit like we are on some stable ground. Two weeks ago we came back from Canada. We were very happy that you advised us to seek out advice from the local devotees because those local devotees sincerely saved us mentally, emotionally, spiritually with their counseling during a very uncertain time. Under their advice we stayed, continued to do the offerings, some deity service daily and chant our 16 rounds at the farm before our official departure date. The experience helped us (Aja and I) become spiritually STRONG though we seem to be a little materially weak. We are staying in a Bhakta Nick's basement presently so Aja can have time with his father. Bhakta Nick is still pursuing his successful music career and with a musician woman. Okay! So in this way it feels a little like a temporary ashram situation.
We do the same things we did in Boise and Canada....rounds first thing in morning if we can help it before Aja wakes up, mangal arati, dressing small deities, doing small arati with the stuffed animals jumping around, and Srimad Bhagavatam reading via Aruddha's small childrens Srimad Bhagavatam resource link. We have completed our fifth chapter in 8 weeks time.
HpS - AGTSP. Wonderful! Krsna will bring all the lose threads together and make everything very auspicious.
Art, role playing, puppet shows everyday...we are in heaven during those hours. Other hours are spent doing the needful, cooking, cleaning, chanting, reading, etc.. We have been enjoying daily classes by Srila Prabhupada on our iphone. This is a life saver when we are feeling much boo hoo sense gratification from feeling sorry, tired in current position. But since we cannot be like the goswami's and sleep under a different tree (even though we can understand what an amazing position they must have been in to endure this!) we are trying to settle on a nice place to live, do service, keep going while trying to be better everyday in what we do.....
We have recently been talking to Hari Vilas prabhu, Gopal Hari Prabhu, and Jai Sacinandana in Portland. We have given a devotional service history to Hari Vilas Prabhu and Jai Sacinandana. Gopal Hari Prabhu recently suggested that if we would like to do deity/cooking service, he will give a recommendation to Jai Sacinandana Prabhu. He suggested it may be easier of course to do service in Portland since we will be closer to Nick. Jai Sacinandana said he is open to the idea of having a local devotee help serve the presiding deities Nitai Sacinandana in the morning (evening services are covered by grihastha community) verses hiring a pujari from India. We are enthusiastic to contemplate this idea since Nick said he can help take care of the toddler in the mornings while we do simple arati and cook an offering. But without your blessings, guidance, instruction on the matter, we are still beside ourself on if this is what Krsna wants of us and is the most practical service. The service as it stands, just looking at the positive factors is it is 1) Steady, 2) We will be in close association with devotees which has always helped our enthusiasm and determination and 3) we will learn a lot. Also, 4) we can continue homschooling after the offering each day which makes us happy since Mom and baby could continue reading the Bhagavatam daily. Hooray! The devotees just purchased a very big building that was a presbyterian church, has many classrooms, kitchen, etc.. I guess there are many classrooms and we are invited to stay in one of the classrooms since it would be easier to do 5:30 am mangal arati and cooking.
The only prerequisite is they are requesting that I ask or aspire for second initiation. Of course, we do not feel very qualified until we complete bhakti sastri formally. Also, last year we were not steady for 4 months while letting maya bombard us with supposed obligations towards full time masters clinical mental health counseling program, and part time social work to maintain a one bedroom house. We were MISERABLE and plan on not doing anything like that again. Krsna saved us in November. Before this, Maharaj, we did I think pretty okay with maintaining principles and chanting since initiation in 2009 to 2013, about 4 years. There were month or two slumps during finals, school projects (so many EXCUSES, we are very sorry) but after all of this blessed suffering the last 5 months we have been steady with 16 rounds and feel motivated by our individual efforts (homeschooling, daily reading really really HELPS). In summary, I do not feel qualified to ask to be an aspiring candidate. I do want to ask though in hopes that with the mercy of the Vaisnavas, Srila Prabhupada, and Guru, I will become qualified... I feel very strongly that without devotional service and constantly practicing sravanam, kirtanam, vishno smaranam I am not much of a human being. Also, at this point we are not very concerned about finding a husband since this does not seem to be in Krsna's plans and we pray that if it is meant for us, Krsna will send.
We could finish our degree in 2015 (2 more classes to go!) then counsel people to get out of tama guna (dialectical therapy?) part time in the evenings when Dad has Aja. My goal, Maharaj, if you approve of this service, is to commit to doing it for at least two years. I think it will be good for my rascal mind. We would also like to dedicate ourselves to formally finishing bhakti sastri (since we started it a long time ago in 2010-2011 but did not take the formal test) with Sri Hari who may be starting a group in May...? We hope!
We may be over our head. We want to serve Srila Prabhupada though. We feel it is our only hope for now and if our mind obeys forever. We apologize for how long this letter is. We are feeling very very bad for not staying in better contact through letters. Our lease was up in January and we were without internet and we felt very bad about being a month late in writing a Vyasa Puja and then did not write at all. :(( We feel really really bad about this and ask for your forgiveness for being so negligent and unsure of ourselves. There were many hidden desires wrapped up in thinking life with greener pastures and cows was in store in New Vraja Bhumi, Quebec. We hope to have a more realistic view of devotional life and our proper ashram situation in the future.
Pictures are homeschooling pictures of Bhismadev on a bed of arrows and Krsna Leaving Hastinapur are below...!
Thankyou for listening Maharaj. We pray to stay engaged in whatever way you see fit.
Your aspiring servants,
Kamagayatri dd and Aja Narayana
HpS - Wow! We started scanning the letter at a certain point but got most of it. It seems that you are doing O.K. to try now to become a Brahmani. Tried this, tried that and NOW we know what we should do. It's like Devahuti and Kardama.
If you could stay in Portland seems fine. We will be traveling in Northwest in August.
In general its best if you can just think, "I have a husband, I have our child, he may not be 100% regular in his situation, but its better to act properly, try to be a good example for everybody, and at least for a few years (Parasara says six), look for him to get his trip together".
Take a deep breath, do your best in the current situation, and by the time you have to take your next breath you will be 73 years, old and leaving your body for Goloka! See you there.
