All glories to Sri Sri Radha Krsna
All glories to Sri Sri Gaura Nitai
All glories to Srila Prabhupada
All glories to you
Please accept my obeisances
I haven’t written in almost three years. During that time, so much has happened that deeply impacted my mental health, but now, I finally feel like I'm starting to be myself again.
To begin with, my husband suffered from severe burnout and had to stay in a psychiatric facility for five months. The months leading up to that were incredibly difficult, watching his mental state deteriorate while being unable to help him. When he was admitted to the clinic, I was left to face the harsh reality of being alone in a new country. The isolation, loneliness, and overwhelming sadness took a toll on me, and I became ill. Anxiety, depression, insomnia, sensitivity to light and sound, and constant nausea left me unable to leave the house or even care for my basic needs. Eventually, I too needed treatment and spent time in a psychiatric facility.
After being discharged, I continued therapy and, following a series of tests, was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and Atention Deficit Disorder. This diagnosis didn’t come as a shock, as I had always struggled in various ways. Many times I prayed to Krishna, asking for clarity and understanding about what was wrong with me, hoping to become a better servant. Now that I had an answer, I embraced the opportunity to learn more and develop strategies to manage my symptoms.
Just as I began to feel better, my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful. It was devastating, pushing me into an even deeper depression, unsure of how to cope. At that time, my sadhana was almost nonexistent, though I was just taking care of my beloved Gopalito.
With the support of therapy, medication for ADHD, depression, insomnia, and, most importantly, with Gopal’s company, I slowly began to heal. I’m in a much better place now, and my sadhana has improved. I haven’t yet reached the standard, but I’m working towards it.
One thing that weighed heavily on me was the feeling of unworthiness. I feared I was not fit to be in contact with you because I had struggled to keep my vows during this period. Your words in Guru-tattva.txt echoed in my mind:
“Unless you are chanting 16 nice rounds, and that means Mangala-arati, Srimad Bhagavatam, Sankirtana, and maintaining a practical relationship with ISKCON, while strictly following the four principles, we cannot function as your Diksa-guru, representative of Srila Prabhupada and the Guru-parampara. If you want, we can serve you again as Vartmana-pradarshika-guru, help you get back on the path, and then we can be Diksa-guru once more. But don’t cheat yourself.”
When I took initiation, I believed I would always be able to follow, so I didn’t think much about these words. Now, they are constantly on my mind. I find myself thinking what it all means—am I no longer your disciple? Am I no longer connected with the parampara and Krishna?
Perhaps I’m being overly emotional, but I still don’t fully understand the idea that you are no longer my guru, but could become so again. Is our connection not eternal?
Your aspiring servant,
Rose of the East
HpS/ASA - Esteemed Ravaged Rose. I have applied the practice that as long as I can breath, I can chant.
Of course, Imay not have gone through anything like you, but from my experience of physical and mental distress, I can raise both hands in the air like Draupadi and chant ´"hey, Govinda", "Krsna Krsna Hare".
I got a simple job description as described above.
I'm not Prabhupada, but if I cannot function as your Diksa guru and you are sincere then Srila Prabhupada will come and tell me, it's O.K. let me take charge of this one, no?
Yet, as said, I can function as pat-pradarshika guru and help you get back on the path ie. 16-rounds. 4-principles.
"The amount of mercy a real guru will show to a sincere disciple is practically inconceivable", Bhavananda said that Prabhupada said.
So, write to us.
Pray to Prabhupada.
Krsna will engage you in Lord Caitanya's movement.
[.. and maybe give your husband a good swift boot in the butt 😎]
