On another note I feel a need to confess a lot of things to you. I held back on all this information because I felt for many years that I could fix this problem myself without doing anymore damage telling others, especially devotees. I've done enough damage already, but who really is my trivial soul in this vast ocean, which itself is like an atom floating in another infinite ocean. I think this letter might be too much, or I'm being proud, but I can't think of a good way to trim it down.
I think 2011-2014 were some of the worst years of my lifetime so far. To be truly honest HpS Maharaj, I contemplated a lot of things, to come to grips on understanding what I wanted to do. I actually don't regret that abominable incident I told you of years back. I do not blame anyone else, if it was a trick of the witch Maya then I am grateful. It's simply a reminder of the fallenness of my position, even if I hadn't committed it. I contemplated leaving ISKCON, attempted castration to become eunuch or to killing myself and forgetting Krsna again. After years of writing, depression and thinking about my qualifications, I told HDG Srila Prabhupada the last time I met him in my dreams: he encouraged me to become a good servant of Krsna, but I replied that I think it would be better to become a good servant of the devotees. He had a very grave pause, then replied "Yes, that is correct."
I can only say that I'm not the servant of Krsna, nor Radha or any of their associates. Not lord Gaurahari or Nitai or their associates. I find my only hopes and shelter in a place among aspiring to be a good servant of HDG's servants, servants, servants, servants, servants eternally. I rest on the shelter in serving vaishnavas. Overcome all material desires and find that eternal desire to love and serve devotees in my stone cold heart. No more than that. I'm sorry I do not even truly desire that aspiration enough. Material life weaves a comfortable illusion of immortality, forgetfulness and complacency in myself. If I died today, tommorow or however, whenever, I pray that I will not forget this desire, ever.
I'm sorry to confide in you this idiotic and brutal honesty/sentiment from my material mind. I just wanted you to understand where I'm coming from, in hopes I can truly desire to aspire to be your disciple and serve your servants, somehow, someday. I thought confessing this would help for me to increase my desire to serve, get to my steady 16-4, and to be fair that you should understand what I think if I want to aspire to your lotus feet. I respect you greatly. Anyhow I'm just an idiot, I wish I could've and could do more. That I didn't have a stone heart and could really be the servant I want to be. Thats what I hope I'm going to school for, trying to be a better student, finding skills to serve.
I apoligize again if I offend you Maharaja. I'm not looking for sympathy or praise, just straight talk.
I want to humbly ask that this not be published publicly.
Please accept my obeisances at your lotus feet,
all glories to Srila Prabhupada
your aspiring fallen servant,
HpS - Well, we can't do that. Pretty much whatever letters we get have to publish unless people ask us not to publish them BEFORE they reveal their secrets. But we will publish in a different section with no name, but you have a little hearty ness, a little sincerity, so work with that. Go on with your Karma, don't let it bother you to much. Be as much a servant of Krsna or the servants of Krsna in consciosness of their purity of relation with Krsna and where than finishes try to be a good person. Then you WILL MAKE PROGRESS and taste the happiness of satisfying Krsna.
