Humble Request for Guidance in My Spiritual and Emotional Challenges
Dear Srila Gurudeva,
Please accept my humble reverences to your wonderful lotus feet and the entire parampara chain!✨📿
HpS - We do not yet see that we have lotus feet. We wash them and it seems they follow Srila Prabhupada's path maybe like 87.777%, but we still are learning!
All Glories to Srila Prabhupada!!!
HpS - Jaya!
I write to you with a heavy heart😔, seeking your merciful guidance to navigate profound challenges in my sadhana and emotional life. As a new initiate, having received nama diksha in August this year, I am deeply committed to advancing in Krishna consciousness. However, recent struggles with my chanting and a painful and ongoing situation with my partner (a devotee under your guidance and my vartma-pradarśaka-guru who introduced me to this path) have clouded my discernment. I humbly request your direction to protect my spiritual practice and find clarity.
HpS - We will offer what we can, but Krsna is the ultimate Guru of all Gurus, and our local association is very important in solving local problems in our spiritual life, no?
This week, my difficulties with japa intensified after rediscovering my partner’s infidelity and decided to take distance from him for a couple of days while I struggle to chant my 16 rounds, managing only 8 or less due to overwhelming sleepiness, which I attribute to tamas (ignorance) and anarthas such as vishada (despondency), nirasha (disappointment), ahamkara (false ego), and vikshepa (distraction). I also find it hard to wake up early for Brahma-muhurta and am plagued by waves of depressive thoughts, which deepen my vishada. I have been trying to offer these anarthas to Krishna in each round, as taught by Srila Prabhupada, by surrendering emotions like sadness and disappointment. Yet, the sleepiness and depressive thoughts persist, hindering my ability to complete my rounds. How can I overcome these obstacles, avoid nama-aparadha (especially inattention), wake up early with enthusiasm, and gradually increase my chanting to fulfill my vow?
HpS - Again, we do not know details. are you adau sraddha, sadhu sanga.... BG 4.10, NoI 7 and 8. Different medicine at different levels, but..... get up early and get your rounds done, like a soldier! Might be what you have to do. Wars are not done by well dressed soldiers with all their equipment in order and full strength. Wars, good Japa, is done by soldiers who get knocked down, lose a limb, each round, but get backup again and again.
Get them done as early as you can, the best you can, and then Lord Sri Krsna, Supreme Personality of Godhood, will bomb the heads of your enemies from the airplanes!
My emotional turmoil stems from my relationship with my partner, which began in November last year, shortly after a painful abandonment by my previous partner of 5 years.
My partner J, your devotee who is 26 years older than me, has been a source of structure in my sadhana. When we are together, I complete my rounds, eat healthy prasadam, and feel cared for, which I am immensely grateful for. His guidance as my vartma-pradarśaka-guru has deepened my devotion, and I hold great love and gratitude for him.
However, his repeated infidelity—contacting young prostitutes, meeting women from dating apps and former cooking students, one of them deeply attached to him, and a recent incident this week after a brief pause in his tendencies during July following a crisis when I considered leaving the country, we distanced ourselves, and I traveled for several weeks, returning after the first Ekadasi of the month. After my return and a brief discussion, he paused these tendencies, but he has resumed them, causing me profound pain and intensifying my vishada and nirasha.
His ambivalence, such as introducing me as his girlfriend, posting photos of us together on one social media account while presenting himself as single on another, and his history of cheating on his previous long-term partner, make me feel that I am the only one aware of his double life. He justifies his actions by misinterpreting an alleged according to him “Srila Prabhupada’s statement” about “prostitutes performing a social service by preventing men from corrupting pure women,” which I have never heard from anyone else and I do not believe aligns with Vaishnava principles. He has mentioned that you, Srila Gurudeva, previously commented on his handling of sexuality, which led me to think that he’s pretty aware of his tendencies and decisions.
I try to see his anarthas (kama, pratistha) as equal to my own, avoiding moral superiority, and I wonder if his seeking sexual partners is an attempt to maintain a “purer” relationship with me, without intent to harm, especially since we are not married and intimacy is limited. Although he does not know the full extent of my awareness of his infidelities, I have hinted at it, which leaves me conflicted. His irresponsibility and possible sexism, combined with a lack of intimacy and his failure to channel his sexual energy appropriately, make me question whether his love or commitment to dedicating our lives to Krishna is genuine. I long to build a family, but I fear his reluctance to commitment, his actions and age difference reflect a lack of deep intention to share this spiritual journey and live as Gṛhasthas together so this might be leading nowhere.
I feel torn. Part of me believes staying with him may be a lesson to burn past karma, as I have wondered if my pain reflects actions from previous lives. Yet, his behavior is causing me internal and energetic harm, intensifying my vishada and nirasha, and making it emotionally unsustainable to continue.
My discernment is clouded, and I am unsure whether to confront him about his infidelity, justifications, and lack of commitment, setting boundaries aligned with Vaishnava principles; to end the relationship to protect my sadhana and well-being; or to remain out of compassion and humility, sacrificing my ego, pride, and what I consider my “dignity” to maintain the discipline his presence brings to my sadhana, despite having no expectations of fidelity or intimacy. While his support helps me chant my rounds and live a regulated life, I fear the emotional toll may outweigh these benefits.
I humbly seek your guidance on the following:
1. How can I overcome sleepiness and difficulty waking up early for japa, manage depressive thoughts, and increase my chanting to 16 rounds while offering my anarthas (vishada, nirasha, ahamkara, vikshepa) to Krishna?
HpS - A million answers to this quesion depending on details that only local friends, or intelligent enemies can know. We give a basic answer above. Good question, but details can only come from those who have detailed knowledge.
2. Should I confront my partner about his infidelity, justifications, and lack of genuine commitment to Krishna, or consider ending the relationship to prioritize my sadhana and emotional well-being? How can I balance my gratitude and love for him as my vartma-pradarśaka-guru with discernment to protect my spiritual path, especially given my desire for a family and the harm I am experiencing?
HpS - The answer is in the 18,000 verses of Srimad Bhagavatam and 17 volumes of CC! So, many stories about so many people! Why? So we can pick our specific advice for our situation.
I had to go through similar situations when I was beginning Krsna consciousness. It took maybe ten years before things seemed to be finally settled with myself and my wife. Just kept chanting, following, engaging in ISKCON Sankirtan etc. etc. best I could and it really seemed to come out very good for everyone.
3. How can I protect my sadhana and nama diksha commitment amidst these emotional challenges, release any guilt or fear about past karma, and find clarity in my clouded discernment?
I am striving to follow Srila Prabhupada’s teachings and the parampara, chanting with sincerity and participating in sadhu-sanga when possible. I wear my tulasi kanthi mala at all times as a reminder of my commitment to Krishna. Without direct contact with my own guru, I feel lost and humbly turn to you for direction. Your guidance is my only shelter, and I pray to Krishna and the parampara to receive your mercy.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I offer my heartfelt gratitude for your service to Srila Prabhupada and the Gaudiya Vaishnava tradition.
Please forgive any offenses in my words, as I am a fallen soul seeking to surrender to Krishna.
Your servant,
A.
HpS - Canto One, Krsna Enters Dvaraka, Many Prostitutes came out to greet him. Fundamental purport.
CC. Antya lila, Glories of Hari Dasa Thakura, encounter with two prostitute.
If you can't chant 16-rounds a day, but I think you can!!! Like a soldier, Mataji!! 🙂
Then fix a number that you KNOW you can do for a certain period. Eg. 12-a day until next Ekadasi, and do it.
Find out what is keeping you from getting enough sleep so that you aren't exhausted during Brahma muhurt and erase it.
Eg. I would come home from Master Charge Banking at 12PM and if I got into bed it was too comfortable to get up, but if I slept on the floor I could get up.
I put al the BTG magazines I hand all over the bed, so if I was going to get in bed, I had to remove them all one by one.
It worked!
Never slept in the bed again. Got up early.
Your problem. Your solution. Your Radha Krsna!!!
