Marriage Continued
Dear Maharaj,
Please accept my respectful obeisances.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
All glories to Sri Gauranga, Sri Nityananda.
Thank you so much for answering the letter.
I also wanted to thank you for encouraging my wife to focus on the quality of rounds, as that encouragement has rubbed onto me as well :)
For past few weeks, have been chanting my 16 rounds before starting office work in the morning.
Also wanted to let you know that fortunately, thanks to the prayers and blessings from your side and that from my spiritual teachers, I don't have any permanent negative feelings towards my wife. Just that when the fights happen, and the hurtful things are said about those whom I have a lot of affection for, I feel very very trapped and want out of that situation. When that happens repeatedly, I feel completely battered and disheartened and gloomy in spirits.
With respect to the advice to physically separate for sometime, we have tried that too.
In almost every year of our marriage, we have spent around 4-6 months or more living physically separate, for various reasons.
From 2020 to 2021 itself, we would've lived around 4-6 months living separately, when I had left the house as things were getting too much to handle for her.
But what has been observed is that, after 1-2 weeks of coming together, the same cycle repeats, with very slight improvement each time.
She is looking for someone who admires her and adores her, a lot. And although she tries to adjust, it just overpowers her. A lot of the fights start when she feels she isn’t been given the amount of attention/importance that she desires (Even though I’m trying to give her attention – still the huge fights breakout, spoiling day after day, evening after evening, night after night). That’s what makes it feel like a real drudgery.
And that’s why I don’t have much hope of the relationship getting better in even 10 yrs from now. At best it can just get more tolerable. That’s what has been happening over the years. Neither she, nor me desire that, and I am very very afraid to think of what will happen, if 10 yrs down the line, she sees that the marriage is still a failure- the reaction won’t be something good.
And in such a marriage, there is no question of ever having any children – which is only going to make it even more tough for her.
It's also very unfortunate that when things don't go her way, instead of feeling sad/expressing how she felt hurt, the reaction is instead to attack. She does say she doesn't want to be like that, but she can't help it.
When we discuss separation, I just say how I don't see things working out, so it's better to go our own ways, since we've tried a lot already. But she doesn't want to separate because she heard that a divorced woman who marries again is not top class, so she doesn't want to separate. In my understanding, it's not the right application that you keep hounding husband over trivial things everyday, just to keep badge of an outstanding lady. In my understanding one who adjusts and makes marriage work is top class, as that's tough, and not one who makes life hell for everyone in the house and says that marriage is not broken.
In any case , if things are going beyond one's tolerance limits, isn't it better to take a smaller 'tag',and live a much more peaceful life?
Maybe she is used to things a certain way, and I'm just very different to what she's used to. But I really can't deal with, what appears to be very small issues, on an almost daily basis. It's really gotten too much for me. I'm not even allowed to work during office hours as these "arguments" take precedence even to that! I cannot sustain this Maharaj.
Unfortunately, I even received a threat from her parents that if divorce were to happen, they will ensure that my entire family suffers.
I'm surprised to hear this from them, they even give lectures in temple.
I just pray they don't actually dwell or make any plans in this direction. Two years into being introduced to chanting, I had developed some ill feelings/jealousy towards some devotees and it was a terrible terrible phase, it became so difficult to chant, as I was doing Vaishnava apradh in mind, so I don't wish for someone to develop hatred towards me or anyone. Since you know them, wanted to request you to pray for them.
From my side, I don't wish for anyone to suffer, just that things are getting really bad, so it's better to separate and go our own ways than try to accomplish a feat which seems much much beyond the both of us.
I'm just really scared that this whole thing is turning very very ugly by the day. I just really wish that we could just acknowleddge that ok, I made a mistake , took on too big a task and failed and get separated and move on. I don't wish to do harm to anyone, and in fact want to separate peacefully, without dragging this on for a long time or having any ill feelings for anyone.
Dear Maharaj, I once again wanted to request you to please pay heed to my plight. It's very very very difficult, on an almost daily basis to get along. She even thinks that due to me she is not allowed back into her art school. Due to that she doesn't want me to do my office work also. It's too much stress that I've to login late to office work, and log off early and pay all the bills and listen to all the bad things said about me,and those I love on daily basis. It's very very very very very stressful, I cannot put it in words and I don't know how to deal with all this stress. Even things that happened 2-3 yrs ago amongst two of us, which we have discussed at length, and resolved, keep getting brought up again and again, in middle of work, in middle of official meetings - I don't know how to function with all this? I just don't know any way to make it work, and in my opinion, if we have to stay separate for the rest of our lives, what is meaning of staying married on paper?
I'm again begging you to please have mercy and allow the two of us to separate.
I also wanted to highlight, that as per the laws of the country, a second marriage is not possible, unless the first is ended via divorce.
Also, when I wrote go-das, I wanted to convey, that I am very much a servant of senses unfortunately, and with your blessings, can one day become a servant of the servant of the servant of the servant of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.
your aspiring servant
go-das
HpS - ASA --- Hare Krsna. I think that is the immediate solution. "Chant Hare Krsna and be happy". I have been in very bad social situations like the one you describe now, and finally and frequently took shelter of the Holy Names, and They always give a solution.
Hare Krsna.
Hare Krsna.
May even mean we become social idiots. Give up our bodies, but if that is what Krsna wants, then O.K. I have been waiting, waiting, waiting for you response, so could not do much.
Again, I am involved in this situation only as an informal advisor to everyone involved, and have very little capabilities to go into the details required for a detailed solution.
I have done that, and honestly sane people have said that we have done good work. Once we took ten days, 6-7 hours a day to interview everyone in the Gurukula in Peru, and finally come to a conclusion and system that lasted for one year very well. Then we challenged the parents that they had to take up more responsibility in the system, but in the end 85% of them wanted to put there kids in free public school instead, so we accepted the close of the Gurukula (divorce?) and went ahead with those who wanted to educate their kids in a more Vedic perspective.
Now, we are to far away, too old, to do this, have other work we should do for you all that is more important.
Prahlada was happy even though his family members were demons.
Vibhisana.
One devotee here, Prof. Harsh, wanted to talk with you? He has/is going through similar situation. That is one advantage of this Blog that many people have chance to see the work we do.
There are some final things that we maybe able to adjust, but that is more confidential than what goes on in this Blog.
Do you want to do that?
If it is O.K. then please send me your Whatsapp number, email address, here. I won't publish it. Do it as soon as possible, so we can adjust this as soon as possible.
Thank you.
Again.... Chant Hare Krsna and be happy (or crazy for Krsna). It works for Jesus, Mohammad, Ramanuja, Madhva, Tukarama, Caitanya et al.
