Dear gurudeva
please accept my obeisances
I share my husband's email XXX.com and send a copy of this letter to him too.
I am writing to you from project in Brazil. I have many things to tell you, but I have a
special topic that I am going to share with you.
Before your visit to Spain, something happened that has not been easy for me to describe,
but I have seen in recent months that by opening your heart and asking for
help, everything can improve and your false ego decreases. I also want you to
know a little more about me and be more transparent with you.
In December of last year, Narada (my eldest son) had very strange behaviors and outside of his
usual behavior, I was very anxious. Something inside of me, he told me, maybe
he was doing drugs. He began to be somewhat aggressive, telling lies, coming
home late, having bad company and what is common in those cases. I desperately
asked Prabhu Ananda to change schools, maybe move to the city, but he didn't
see it as a problem and we still didn't know what was happening. Some time
passed and he confessed that he had used a few drugs at one time. For me it was
a shock, news that I never expected. It was a very hard blow and I felt
devastated. I felt as if he had plunged me into such a deep pit, there would be
no way I could get out of it. I thought at times that it would be nice if
Krishna made some arrangement that would allow me and my son to die, before
seeing him plunged into drugs. I asked my family, friends, therapist for help,
I didn't know what to do. With this came a whole process of picking up things
from the past, all my mistakes. I understood that I was guilty for being
negligent with him, for being a bad mother, wife and devotee. For not being
patient and loving with him and especially for the countless fights I had with Ananda
since he was very little. I don't know, it could be so many things, but I took
my responsibility (gurudeva, you could not post the topic of Narada and drugs,
I still don't feel ready to share with someone else, maybe you could post some
abstracts of the letter that you think of help to others 🙏).
Prabhu Ananda and I had continuous strong quarrels and repeatedly thought of separating.
Since you are a sannyasi, I will not go into details about it, but I will only comment
on some points that may help someone else or just so that you know the
dimension of my situation and why I feel so grateful to you.
I was very discouraged with the devotees. Feminism, knowing about so much abuse,
information that was totally new to me, criticism and analyzing my marriage,
was too much and very very overwhelming. I was very immersed in mundane
activities at the time, so; the Narada event was like the result of many
activities that did not benefit anyone much.
We decided that we would give full attention to caring for our children and less to work, even
though that meant adjusting expenses, living with less, and prioritizing
spiritual development. When one goes through these situations, what matters
least is money and so many things in which one wastes valuable time. It all
seems so insignificant, because it really is and you just wish you had spent
more time doing activities to strengthen your spirit.
I immediately resigned from my last job in a Montessori school and despite the fact that I
was very bad inside, I sought more serious association with devotees and
searched everywhere for information on how to help my children, myself and get
ahead. . In reality, I did not know what to do, I had many opinions and I tried
to do everything, I even went to therapy that helped me a lot to understand
that humility is required to recognize that we are wrong and need help.
A week later we received an invitation to visit the temple in Malaga, so; we traveled and
stayed for a couple of days. I heard a lecture from H. H. Yadunandana Swami on
the importance of seeking the association of the pure devotee and how valuable
it is to be with devotees. It is as if you are dragged into doing things for
your benefit that seem impossible to do. So, I decided that I had to go looking
for you and that's how I got to Madrid.
So all those things happened before I met you.
And after all this, here I am. Everything started to happen as Krishna knows what is best for
us, it has always been like that, but I had not been so aware of that. I can
tell you that now I feel happy and satisfied. Cows, devotees, Prabhupada, pink
lotuses, beautiful flowers, incense, Krishna, cooking for Krishna, books,
classes, kirtana, everything Prabhupada has given us is so beautiful. Narada
and Rama are happy and healthy, the devotees and the cows have achieved so much
with them, they feel loved, protected, taken into account and little by little
they are liking more Krishna conscious activities. Narada feeds the minor cows
daily, cleans the gosala, always his clothes and body smell like cow dung and
milk 🐄.
I am learning from my easy or difficult situations, but with peace of mind knowing that I
have always had available an effective way to solve problems, to move on and
change your person completely: sadhu sanga and the holy name.
I don't know what will happen to Narada and Rama in the future, but I know that Krishna is
good and always grateful. So, I just have to pray for them and do my best to
provide them with necessary tools to serve them in their adulthood and see what
they themselves can achieve with the help of Krishna and his devotees.
I think that I have not had a successful marriage materially speaking, in fact, it has been
very disastrous, but without a doubt it has brought me closer to Krishna in an
amazing and successful way. Every situation, every problem, every difficulty
has led me to where I am now and I'm so happy about it. I am thankful for
everything I have experienced, but I think that maybe knowing some things
before getting married and having children could help to have a more stable
family without so many setbacks. We have made so many mistakes and I would like
to say that I won't make any more, but my reality is that it is a constant
trial and error.
I would like to share that when you are a mother and trying to be CK it can become very
difficult if you are NOT emotionally stable, it can be hell for you and your
children. So, the best thing is to acknowledge it and ask for help, but even
that is difficult because there may be a lot of ego in the heart, and the shame
or the feeling of wanting to appear normal or dedicated, is an obstacle. There
are many details that may be involved, but if we think that there will be no
consequences in the future with our children with what we are giving them
during their childhood, we are wrong. It is in adolescence where all the good
and bad that you could have taught them comes out; Of course, there is
individual karma, but I think it's better if you spend more love, time and care
during their childhood.
Gurudeva please forgive me for so much negligence and offenses. For so much wasted time.
I especially want to thank you because because of you I am now here alive and
with a purpose. Every morning I am happy to know that I am a FREE being to
serve Krishna, which is the only thing that gives happiness.
Sorry for such a long letter.
He prayed to Krishna that the effort you make to listen and help us may be rewarded and you
may always be happy in your service to others.
Lotus feet of Srila Prabhupada.
Jay Srila Prabhupada!!
Your servant Havisara D. D.
HpS - Thank you for this very nice letter.
We are all violent, egoistic beast, pigs, in Kali yuga.
Look at the good side. You did not kill and eat your husband and children.
We are joking a little, but by contrast we should see that we have done many things right. We have note separated. We have taken care of our children, see that they get food, shelter.
We have not set and example of drug addicts etc for them.
O.K.
Here we are.
Next step.
Of course, send more news to the Blog.
You don't have to write confidential details, but the general principles will help everyone.
More news.
Thank you for all the hard work that you and your husband, and children, have done for this movement.
