Dear Hanumatpresaka Swami Maharaja,
Please accept my humblest obeisances, all glories to Srila Prabhupada.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Yipes! Srila Prabhupada Ki Jai. We scrolled down this letter and it is like cosmogonigal long! O.K. Let's start - 4.42PM
In reaction to your request in the news section of Jayarama i write this letter.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - That's the Annual Reports. They are supposed to be short, but we look at this letter anyway. We like European news!
There was a time when in the year 2010 when i was on the list for aspiring disciples, but i got removed, probably because i missed this request at the end of last year.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Well also because you said you weren't following regular Sadhana and didn't think you could aspire for initiation right then.
You did express your happiness when i wrote after a while,
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Whoop! Whoop! Oink! Oink!!!
and that is one of two reasons that i write now. The other reason is that i've had several signs that showed that you have a special place in my life, and you appeared in dreams as well, in one you even gave me a direct instruction. I know from stories told by other Guru's that they themselves are not aware of those appearances, and i trust the same goes here.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Yeah! Hansadutta told us that Prabhupada said that Krsna does this sometimes. Does many wonderful things through the "Spiritual Master", even though he may not be aware of it. Hmmm. May be Maya also?
I do have serious concerns whether i should pose myself as an aspiring disciple, because my actions are not supporting it. In all fairness, i do consider myself a follower of Iskcon, even though i'm still really trying to find my place in this society with it's rules of conduct that are sometimes putting me off. Some dealings with devotees left me disillusioned, just like many others experienced, and i guess this backfired. I have had much time to think things over, this 2011, and other difficulties were that i had to conclude i have been blindly following in many ways, and made radical changes prematurely, which caused a lot of trouble in my personal life and relationships.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Yeah! We gotta understand our level and act accordingly. We won't be imitating Rupa Goswami for a few weeks yet!
My chanting, reading and hearing goes in cycles. On & off. I recently learned about archetypes in a book which compared them with Greek gods and goddesses, and my personality is like that of Dyonisos, or Bachus, its Roman counterpart. This made it more recognizable as to why i have these periods in life in which i withdraw and smoke marijuana, and need seclusion. Also, sensual/sexual matters are strong urge. It is the way through which i understand and experienced my existence since many births probably. What it comes down to is that i better conclude to let the idea go of becoming an 'official' devotee asap, but just work my way up to proper standard in my own pace.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Sounds cool but when we consider our "pace" we gotta also remember that the Tigress of nescience is stalking us all. Grrrrrrr! May discover that our "Pace" picks up a bit when we hear her itentions for us if she catches us before we get back with The Good Shepherd!
There is a pressure involved when i feel that i need to do it, even though all of the reasons Prabhupada and other sadhu's give to do it in this life. If i let this idea go, i suddenly feel much more realistic about things.
Since i moved towards the vicinity of temples i went quite regularly, choosing out of the three, sometimes four options each sunday. I have good relationships in Amsterdam, and the ones in The Hague are developing. I keep myself low-profile if possible, and have not yet established serious contact with one of the managers here in The Hague. Dhananjaya Prabhu in Amsterdam is not a person that i like very much personally, and this makes me unsure whether i can or should accept him as my authority, in the sense that i can't appreciate his personality enough for that. We're on a good foot anyway. Can i hear your advice on this matter of authority?
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Hmmm! It is a boat big enough for the whole world to row in. Srila Prabhupada is the Captain and we need to find some practical place in ISKCON. If we don't have "personality magic" with our local president, which sure I find is the case for me at times, and we guess it sure is the way Temple Presidents feel about members of their congregation also, then it doesn't have to be a Kichi Kichi Koo relationship.
Gosh, we are all individuals and we can sure like people, appreciate them, but doesn't mean that we are very similar. They have there friends we have ours, we are al pulling on the oars.
Prabhupada said that he would take Prasadam, like lunch, in a Krsna temple near where he was working regularly and give a donation and everyone was very happy. So relation can be simple like that. Then it can develop in terms of our nature. Prabhupada said he didn't like his wife. So, what. She's my wife. I may not like her. Doesn't mean I can't love her.
O.K???
In conclusion, i've put a big pressure on myself somehow, to achieve the devotee status, but in reality, i don't feel like the sacrifice. I experience so often a gap between my intellect and bodily reactions. I can't stand that about me. I just can't seem to ("not willing to?") do it, continuously, the whole devotee thing. Therefore, my approach is to continue balancing out chanting and the rest of the devotional activities versus my wordly life. Psychologically i've never had a balanced earthly life, wouldn't that also be a point to work on? I haven't yet decided whether i should get an education after all. Four years+ seems like such a long time. Too long. Chronic indecisiveness perhaps. One point which gives me satisfaction in this intellectual regard, is that i am allowed to serve Radhadesh publication dept., since recently, to my good fortune. Maybe in a few years i have enough experience to make some money with this, rendering the whole degree thing obsolete. That matter of a decent job is of more importance to me than i would like it to be, and i feel restless because of it. Gurudeva, sraddha bindhu diya, the song goes.
I hope this letter wasn't too tedious, it is a therapy. Sorry to put you up with that. I do really look out for your reaction and comments. I'm just a sentimentalist who is hoping that someone cares for him. I wish to realistically translate the difference between my position and that of other vaisnava's into humility and a service attitude towards them. But in all fairness, i feel i should resign from the diksa thing, and move to a siksa thing, for my own peace of mind, while not to consider it a defeat. And may you yourself keep on marching in the frontline, right behind Srila Prabhupada. Hare Krishna.
Signed, a sour green mango,
Richard van Dijck.
ASA - Monkey/Piggy - Esteemed Green Mango. You seem to be doing fine. A large part of becoming self-realized is to realize what egoistic brats we are and then go from there. One nice thing is a Japa vrata. Fix some Japa standard that you know you can do for some time eg. one round a week on Sunday, four rounds a day before 10AM,,, then DO IT. Make it a vow for some fixed time eg. from one Ekadasi to the next I will do this.... It is a nice linear, clinical way to consider where we are at and what can do. To us you seem to be doing pretty well, just don't get too comfortable in this world. That is the sure intoxication of the witch before She gets here rope around your neck!