asa[e] guru tattva; disciple falls from vows.
Dear Gurudeva,
PAMHO. AGTSP.
I am writing this letter to tell you that I am losing myself spiritually. For several weeks I have not been keeping fully the promise I made to you of chanting 16 good rounds and the Gayatri mantras, and I feel very, very bad.
You always say that if one is not keeping the vow, you are not his/her spiritual master anymore, and I understand that.
HpS - As Diksa Guru, but if you or someone in this position wants, then we can try to function as Siksa guru, Patha-pradarshika guru, again. That is Guru who tries to get us on the formal path, the vows and promises.
Of course, Srila Prabhupada is doing this for all of us through so many media.
It is only my fault. I ask your forgiveness for having failed you and Srila Prabhupada. It is clear that I am not up to the standard. Please, I hope you don’t think that I am getting lost by engaging in sense enjoyment, I mean, more than some weeks ago. Truly, that is not the case.
I have simply complicated a little more my life with my new personal situation. At the same time, I am getting older and I have less material strength, and it seems also less spiritual strength. The daily life of a worker woman who lives alone with two children and several bills to pay at the end of the month consumes a lot of hours and energy.
I have the feeling of sinking into a spiral that swallows me and pushes me away from the devotees. Sometimes I think am a burden for the devotees: Jayanta is better living in Brihuega and the devotees who live around here are only interested on when Jayanta can come to have a lecture and a sat sanga meeting.
And I totally understand it. I am only good at my job, driving and some sports.
I would like to thank you for all these years in which, through your great mercy, you have allowed me to remain close to you and benefit from your association, knowledge, and realizations.
I am deeply, deeply sorry for not being up to the level of you, your spiritual master, or your disciples. What frightens me most is that I don’t know if I will ever be able to be. But I am going to keep trying. This soul is fighting.
If you allow me, I would like to continue connecting, whenever I can, to Japa Joe, FMP, and the Sunday classes. Also, whenever needed and if you consider it appropriate, please count on me to help with NIOS.
I am sorry to have to write you such a letter.
I hope you are in good health.
An aspirant hoping to be able to serve you again.
HpS - As usual you are a heroine and leader for so many people. How many people are in the same position and have not taken the brave and honest steps to write here.
Thank you.
Can we act as your Siksa guru?
Vartmana, Patha, pradarsika guru?
Of course, Krsna does not forget all the effort you have made.
It is like taking the rope He is offering from the shore and pulling us closer. Eventually we get to the point that even though we still go under the water, our feet now hit the bottom and we can use that to push ourselves up, as well as take the pull from his rope.
Later we will be 50% out of the water.
Yet in all cases we hold onto the rope. Even 50% of the rivers current can carry us away.
Of course, the rope is 16/4 with enthusiasm.
If we lose the connection we are headed back to the Samsara of the river flow. Again, it is different for one who has chanted than one who has not.
If we have the strength and intelligence to go to work etc. then we have the strength and intelligence to chant some Japa and follow principles to some practical extent.
No whiskey.
No betting on horse races.
0--0
Keep track of how many rounds you owe Krsna.
Take a vow to chant a certain number of rounds daily that you know you can do for a certain period. Eg. "I will chant four rounds per day until Christmas".
Then see the result.
Then take a vow to chant fixed number, more or less, during the next period.
At least one round every year on Janmastami? 😆
This is what Srila Prabhupad and we guess Rupa Goswami recommend in the NoD.
Sangat sanjayate kamah.
Our desires develop from the company we keep.
If you are giving so much help to Nimai the Great and Sarasvati the Charming, then why aren't they chanting with you?
Has Jayanta Das moved full time to Brihuega?
Does he not help with the care of the minor children?
Are the two of you enacting your Spanish lila of Sancho and Teresa?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo7VlD66ISM
