Again Some Personal Thoughts
Hare Krishna, Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Iskcon founder acharya-Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your good self for your ongoing service to our founder acharya.
I trust that all is going well with you in your devotional service.
HpS - Thank, agtSP, you for your association! Your trust is kind of like saying to Arjuna than you trust that all is going well during the battle of Kuruksetra, no? We are all getting shot my Maya's arrows. Perfect victory on one level does not seem possible in Kali-yuga.
Yet with divya drsti we can see that even the failures due to Kali yuga are orchestrated by Krsna.
I have been meaning to and wanting to write to you, but things have always gotten in the way; or else I find myself at a loss for words: feeling the need to say something, but not sure what to say, or how to say it, or why. But the need is there, just the same.
HpS - Ask your 'inner monkey' [🐒] to write.🙂
I think of my devotional service and how over the years I have tried to practice Krishna consciousness as best as I could.
There are times when I feel like a failure as a devotee because I am not out there performing some amazing service for Srila Prabhupada, such as opening up a temple, travelling and giving seminars in temples all over the world.
Is it just because of my worldly way of seeing things in life that I am so critical of my own devotional service?
I think about how the years have gone by, and I wonder how Krishna will regard me when it's my turn to leave this material body.
I wonder if I will be fortunate to have devotees assisting me at my own hour of passing, or if my death will be tragically sudden and without warning.
The Srimad Bhagavatam says that "with each rising and setting of the sun death comes closer for all of us."
Where is the guarantee that we will live to see another sunrise or another sunset? [Or another breath!]
In the Mahabharata Yuddhisthira Maharaja called it the greatest wonder of all: how we live each day as if somehow we will simply live on and on. I came to Krishna consciousness because I wanted to understand why I was born, why I have to die; fully convinced that God is there, though not knowing Him by His name as Krishna.
It's as if intuitively I knew that there had to be "something more" to life than simply existing for the sake of existence;
ASA - "Higglety Pigglety Pop! or There Must Be More to Life than This"a by Maurice Sendak. Some few, one in a thousand, have the same inquietude, no?
I just didn't know what that "something more" was, until I came to Krishna consciousness. I fell in love with Krishna consciousness because of learning these things: Now what shall I do???
I struggle with trying to find comfort outside of the physical association of devotees, and I wonder how it is that I find myself so distanced from the greater society of ISKCON, which I have come to love for so long, and now I feel so estranged from. One part of me says "I have been abandoned," whilst another part of me says "It's my fault because of choosing to keep away."
At other times I feel both are true. I am reminded of how one time Srila Prabhupada said "Everyday I was going to the docks to see when the next ship was going back to India."
So similarly, everyday I wonder if I'm doing the right thing in my own choices. I know that I can't compare to Srila Prabhupada, still, there is something about his experience that I can relate to. How he must have struggled; how can I expect anything less for myself?
Believing that Krishna knows my heart aids me. Confident that He knows my struggles and my sufferings, that He knows my strengths and my weaknesses, and that He knows how sincere and how duplicitous I am, provides a strange sense of comfort and security.
I can't really explain it, because there is so much internal conflict that I constantly undergo, and therefore I can't offer any explanation within the scope of my realizations.
I should close here, before I say things that I may regret, due to them being not proper because of wild speculations and offensive rhetoric.
I offer my deepest and most sincere humble respects to your grace, for you have given my wife and I shelter that we very likely don't deserve.
Still, you have saved us by being merciful to us in our greatest hours of anxieties.
Most certainly, without your kindness and mercy, we would be completely lost in maya. Even though I don't show it, I bow down to your lotus feet with great awe and reverence.
Your lowly servant,
Balabhadra dasa
HpS - Again. We experience things very similar to yourself. Even BIG devotees in the USA ISKCON Society feel lonely. It is our impersonal culture, and we are packaging it and selling it to everyone.
We are happy to get letters from you.
Join our Full Morning Service sometimes. It is 3.30AM for you, but sometimes you can join, no?
Visit Houston when we are there?
Contact five local devotees and see what you can do to help them in their service.
Work on making institutional changes in ISKCON?
Eg. There seems to be confusion about how Bhanki-bihari's properties and facilities are related to ISKCON.
We have some institutional adjustments that might be made.
😃
