Sadhana and Realizations
Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances;
all glories to our Iskcon Founder acharya, Srila Prabhupada;
all glories to your good self, for your exemplary devotional service.
I have been thinking of you often, wondering about your health, worried that you would leave us soon: recalling the years of kindness you have shown my wife and I.
HpS - ASA --- AgtSP. Radha and Krsna have to leave in the morning!
How I wish I could do some meaningful service to you. I have noted your instruction in your reply to my last letter to "not give up on the Boise temple." It is on my mind often: more than I care to admit. I confess that it's hard to be hopeful about a community that has pushed me away more than once; a community that I have no trust in, and yet still I choose to live here because of my comfortable living situation. I would like to think that things can change, but I don't see how: given the persistence of current realities that dominate the mood here. Still, your words are good enough for me to keep an open mind.
HpS - Krsna didn't give up on Dur Yodhana! He even arranged for him to harrass Draupadi so that he could see himself as he really was!
I'm still hoping for Bhakta Riley's comments!!!
I joined Lord Chaitanaya's movement as a young man at 26 years of age; now I'm 73. I wonder about the devotees who joined in my days. A couple of godbrothers who were initiated alongside with me have passed away [gone ahead?]since.
The thought of their passing sometimes brings tears to my eyes, when I dwell on it. I recall often how when we were younger we used to try and preach about old age and the sufferings that often come with it. We tried to speak with realizations on the matter, although we were all young men and women. Now of course old age is a practical reality for us: and a pending reality for the next generation. I sometimes recall Srila Prabhpada's words in the Lilamrita as he lay on his deathbed, "Don't think this won't happen to you."
Although I have been fortunate to remain in the practice of devotional service for all these years, I am not able to comprehend how.
HpS - Guru krpa!!?
How did I apply myself to rising early, taking cold showers, participating in a full morning sadhana for hours on end, day after day after day, all these years?
I thought that living outside the temple as a householder
would certainly make my sadhana easier.
But applying a standard that resembles the temple routine
when living outside outside the commune is not any easier.
It's so easy to get lazy, make excuses, find fault,
ASA - It seems that San Andreas had a big fault!?
...and let other matters take priority over our sadhana
because no one is looking.
The list of excuses for being careless just goes on and on. And I confess I have slipped into that mess more than I care to admit.
.... asa
During my japa I sometimes reflect on how Krishna's mercy is incredible, that He allows
me to somehow or other keep up the struggle to
hold on to my sadhana. There is
great comfort at such moments. I have
no doubts
that Krishna is the Supreme Personality of Godhead;I have no doubts about
Srila Prabhupada;
I have no regrets about
coming to Krishna consciousness and
making the decision to be a devotee.
But I cannot deny the existence of material desires in my heart, the attachments that dominate my daily realities, the many offenses I am guilty of,
ASA - Maybe you and Mataji can be Chand Kazi in your next life time and we can be your Constables.
Naaaa. tooo much work.... better... you can be a Bhattacharya in Nabadvipa and Nimai and His gang can keep coming to our school!?!!
and the sinful karma that still haunts my efforts to take devotional service seriously.
What am I going to do?
Even after so many years of practice I am as wicked and as attached as ever.
ASA - Is that a citations from "Gopinatha" by Bhaktivinode Thakura!!!?
When I dwell on it deeply, it brings tears to my eyes: how Krishna still holds on to me regardless.
It is only by good fortune that my rounds are all accomplished by 8AM, before the rest of my daily affairs, at least 95% of the time. The early morning hours are quiet, the world is asleep and it is easier for me to apply myself because of the peacefulness that comes with the early morning hours. I am reminded of how Krishna states in Bhagavad gita "The time of awakening for the devotee is night for the conditioned souls." And yet, in spite of such favorable moments, my mind is ever so restless, stubborn and resistant, making it impossible for me to concentrate on the task at hand: japa. Arjuna had good cause to point it out in the 6th chapter. Practical experience of how our minds are rebellious confirms his attitude.
My morning online Bhagavatam classes are still happening, and posted on my youtube channel. You will note how I have a big imagination, thinking that someone out there will really care to hear anything I have to say. Thus far I have no audience, except for my wife, and once in a while Mother Tammy. Fortunately, I am able to take in association with the Bhagavatam classes from Hawaii most mornings. Sometimes my wife and I do some reading from the CC in the evenings. There are evening classes from Hawaii on Bhagavad gita that I attend twice a week, and I hold Bhagavad gita classes every Tuesday evenings.
There is so much more that I would like to do, and that I can do if I could be more sincere and more determined in my heart: such as posting stories from the Mahabharata online. But I still have to work for our worldly livelihood, and I don't always have the strength to do more at the end of the day. Somtimes I am so moded-out that I just don't want to: such is my reality as a so-called devotee. It's no wonder my devotional life is a mess. How in the world did I manage to remain a devotee all of these years?
I have to conclude that it is only by the mercy of guru and Gauranga, the mercy of compassionate devotees like your good self, that my wife and I have somehow or other survived all these years of struggle in Krishna consciousnes. There is no other explanation that makes sense or will suffice: Hare Krishna.
Your lowly servant,
Balabhadra dasa
HpS - ASA ---- Many devotee have fallen into walking behind Johnny Walker. I can only suggest what I do: Build your character more and more, as much as you can and always be eager for any preaching opportunity. It maybe a lifetime in preparation, no? So what... there is no other option.
A good General is not going to waste even a 75% sincere corporal.!!
Next lettter???? ?
Thank you!!!
