Continued Reflections During Japa
HpS/ASA - AgtSP!!! Paoho.
If you have been able to follow us on Twitter etc. you probably know why we are sadly, SADLY, S A D L Y, slow is commenting on thei Blog-post.
😢
Hare Krishna, Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your good self for being so devoted to pleasing Srila Prabhupada with your own devotional service; all glories to all the devotees of the Lord, who have devoted their lives to the spreading of the chanting of the holy names of the Lord.
ASA 🐵 🐒 🐒 .. 🐒 ❣
This morning my rounds are finished; although I confess that lately, perhaps 50% of the time I have had to wait until evening, to finish with my japa.
I struggle with maintaining the same standard that I so eagerly started out with after my return from Houston last January: God only knows how I am able to maintain the little that I do.
I guess it's because I know that I have nothing else to live for, especially at this late date of my life.
What else am I going to do?
What could I possibly hope to gain?
HpS/ASA - You could go back to school and get a Poppa John's pizza franchise and become rich an buy 50-new hats for your wife, and go to Rome for a vacation, and ... 😆
There is nothing in this world that comes close to a life of devotional service. Nothing else has ever made any sense to me: so the idea of anything else is virtually meaningless and non-existent in my mind.
In those evenings when I am trying to finish my japa outside, I sometimes find myself looking on the ground, not wanting to step on any living entity. I find myself staring at them crawling along, just trying to get along from one place to the next. Watching them move along the ground, I have wondered "how many times I must have been born in such a tiny body?" It is in those moments that I suddenly realize how it is that this material world truly is a dangerous place. It's a big world when you're just an ordinary person in life trying to get from one place to another: and what to speak of being in the body of an insect!
I was remembering how during the 80s there was a lot of talk about "the next war." I was a full-time pujari in Denver back then, and I used to think to "Let it come now, whilst I am on the altar doing arotika! Whilst the devotees are all gathered in the temple room, engaged in a loud, boisterous kirtan: with everybody smiling with full confidence in Prabhupada and Krishna, and chanting HARE KRISHNA! I imagined myself being on the altar and performing arotika, with my ears being shattered by the loud chanting, feeling that same confidence. Those were the days, when my imagination would run wild with fanciful ideas of being fully absorbed in that final moment of catastrophe, and going back to Godhead: I'm not so much fanciful and imaginative these days.
HpS - Yes... if we can't preach then die and continue with the same service in Goloka.
Today, I live with the reality that my life has been lived, at least for the most part; fearful of my failures as a devotee. I live with the reality of still struggling to chant nice rounds, still dealing with my sinful desires; and now dealing with the realities of old age, and it's concomitant factors. Just the other day my wife asked me "if we are going to die alone." I was a little taken aback by her question, because I realized that that possibility is certainly there. The sadness and the anger of feeling abandoned and rejected by a community of Vaishnavas still burns painfully in my heart and mind. I know of devotees who have given their lives in service to Prabhupada, and yet they died alone.
I look at a lot of things in life very differently these days. As I drive around for Uber I see so many small children happy and content with their simple world of play, without a care in the world: confident of their shelter of mommy and daddy being close by. I look at older children, busy with the same mindset, only now in pursuit of more sophisticated interests. I see young adults engaged in trying to enjoy themselves in the prime of their lives: completely unaware and uninterested in knowing how vain and how temporary it all is. I see older, retired adults, busy with the same pursuit of trying to enjoy, just like when they were younger? How is it that they are still looking for the same happiness, still trying to enjoy in old age doing the same things?
I watch old people walking down the sidewalks, hunched over with their walkers or canes. They look so lost and so lonely, knowing that they have lived their lives. I wonder if they ever ask themselves what happened to them, or what's next in this final hour of life. I feel a great sadness for them. I pray that Krishna protects me. Am I really any different from the rest of the world? With the exception of wearing tilaka, chanting Hare Krishna, and observing the regulative principles: not really. Looking at them, I can understand why King Kulashekhara prayed the way that he did: "smaranam kutas te: How will I remember You at my hour of death?" I wish I could say something or do something that would make a difference in their lives, but I feel so helpless in helping myself.
With these thoughts rushing into my mind during my japa, it becomes more apparent to me how there really is no such thing as shelter in this material world, outside of the process of devotional service, the lotus feet of the spiritual master, and the association of devotees. I have been trying to meet my needs for devotee association by attending live online classes, but nothing compares to the smile on the face of a devotee knocking at your door. I keep close friendship with certain devotees here in Boise, sharing prasadam in each other's homes. I still distribute books to as many persons as possible. I placed another order for several hundred assorted books with the temple, for distribution whilst driving. I am still awaiting their decision, whether or not they will support my ongoing sankirtana efforts.
My wife and I would like to initiate some sort of preaching efforts out of our home, such as a retreat of some kind, but I have never been blessed with any measure of success when it comes to starting things, even for the sake of preaching. How should I understand that? We have ceased renting out our rooms to karmis. It has been very contaminating for our consciousness over the years, renting to non-devotees who have no interest at all in krishna consciousness. In addition, I wonder if I will ever have your association again? I know that I haven't been a surrendered soul, but I have always been very, very grateful for your kindness, and how you have encouraged me over the years. I feel lonely at times because you seem so far away, and there's no knowing when or if we will ever see each other again. To whom will I share my heart when you are gone? It all seems and feels so sad, so lonely, so painful.
I will close here, hoping that I have not said anything to offend your good self, or anyone else. I pray to Krishna and your good self to kindly forgive me for all my offenses: whether they were done knowingly or unknowingly.
Your lowly servant,
Bbd
HpS/ASA - Long letter!! 😆 We ran through it all.
Very nice.
This was a long time ago.
Please write with your current situation!
Essential truth, conciselly expressed.
We want to know.
Many ISKCON devotees are in exactly your situation.
Krsna is calling on you to offer solutions to these challenges for every one!
