Is it me or is it just the full moon?
Dear Gurumaharaja,
Please accept my obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
As per your request to write more often, i write to you this update. There is something important to address. Now as my spiritual master, i wish not to draw you into my practical matters of life, but there is an overlap. After deliberation on my situation as a family man, i decided a while ago that i wished to improve my job status. Financially this is needed, also because my wife does not yet has the ability to help out in that regard. Interestingly, a little while later, without having taken steps myself, i was invited for a desk job at my work, as a member of the dispatch team. This is a busy job where activities go at high speed. I realize that this puts me in a dangerous position, because after three weeks i notice it takes me away from deep thinking (which was already quite a challenge). There are also no talks about spiritual life anymore, which i did have as a driver. Chanting wasn't very steady already, because of the kids and all, but this doesn't improve things very much. But i do feel that in order to take up my responsibility for the family, i need to make changes for longer term. There was always the dichotomy between my abilities and what i could use in my work, and i felt deeply frustrated in life really. I dabbled with study ideas for a few years, but never really managed to get something going, restrained by lack of finances, or time, or sometimes both. Or will power and determination perhaps. I have to admit to have not overcome those weaknesses yet in my life(s).
So i now find myself in a situation where on one side, i have already made such a big debt in chanting that in all honesty i was thinking to myself, no way i can do what Gurumaharaja tells me; to write them down and catch up later. When? When i'm 60? I hesitatingly wrote yes to you, but in actuallity i didn't believe it would happen. Srila Prabhupada made me aware of this inappropriate attitude for a disciple in letters regarding K. Swami that i read recently; actually not fit to be a disciple. Fallen, literally. And then the other side, where i see my duties and situation in life is not at all very supportive for the serious selfdiscipline that our movements requirements. I tell myself that i do what i can, but the feeling of giving up is very much in my mind. Not ultimately, as in giving up Krishna Consciousness, but giving up the idea that i am worthy of being an initiated disciple. I dont follow my vows and i neglect your order. What good can come from that? yasya prasadad bhagavat prasado, yasya prasadan na gatih kutoh pi. No spiritual potency. What good if you are not happy with that. How will Krishna be pleased?
Still, i do believe that Krishna is behind this situation with job change. Or so i tell myself. Because it happened somehow or other. I will sit it out and see where it leads to, because i need to find my way in the world and somehow connect to my Krishna. Deal with my psychological flaws and learn to work with people, even if most of them are not devotees of some sorts. The real Krishna consciousness, internally. I am just afraid of what it will cost me, because i only know the idea of chanting and all will work out. This because i failed in material life before KC, i (mis)used our philosophy in that way. And sectarian thinking supported that illusion. I therefore kept my life simple by being a driver, because that made it easier to keep that idea up. Now i am almost forty and very much frustrated, deep inside. And in reality i have hardly any practical Krishna consciousness, i now learn. Learning that is good in a way, of course. To see it for what it is. But it just looks and feels so bad, because of all of the above.
I wish i had more uplifting news to report.
Your once-had-good-intentions some sort of disciple,
Raghava Pandita dasa
HpS - ASA
Thank you! I bet 20,000 people are waiting for our answer. Ha! Ha! Ha!
O.K. Let's just quote some words of GOD ALMIGHTY parampara.
1. Bhagavad-gītā As It Is, 18.66, "Abandon all varieties of religion and just surrender unto Me. I shall deliver you from all sinful reactions. Do not fear." In the Purport Srila Prabhupada says, "...One should unhesitatingly accept Kṛṣṇa as the supreme savior of all living entities. With faith and love, one should surrender unto Him. ... In other words, devotional service to Kṛṣṇa, in full consciousness, is the most confidential part of knowledge, and this is the essence of the whole Bhagavad-gītā. Karma-yogīs, empiric philosophers, mystics and devotees are all called transcendentalists, but one who is a pure devotee is the best of all. The particular words used here, mā śucaḥ, "Don't fear, don't hesitate, don't worry," are very significant. One may be perplexed as to how one can give up all kinds of religious forms and simply surrender unto Kṛṣṇa, but such worry is useless."
Read the whole Purport a few times, carefully. It is at the heart of our movement, cited repeatedly. In some ways this is what Srila Prabhupada seems to be saying: Chant 16-good rounds in all circumstances. Abandon your family, body, prestige, everything will be O.K., but ...
2. NOD Chapter 7: Accepting Only What Is Necessary, ...Generally, we recommend our disciples to chant at least sixteen rounds on their japa beads daily, and this should be completed. But if one is not even able to chant sixteen rounds, then he must make it up the next day. He must be sure to keep his vow. If he does not strictly follow this out, then he is sure to be negligent. That is offensive in the service of the Lord. If we encourage offenses, we shall not be able to make progress in devotional service. It is better if one fixes up a regulative principle according to his own ability and then follows that vow without fail. That will make him advanced in spiritual life."
Again, read the whole thing. In conclusion, our advice is try to follow Srila Prabhupada as strictly as you can, and our understanding of him would be that if you are a first class devotee, super-dane, then just "go cold turkey" and from the moment you read this letter start chanting 17-rounds a day even if you and the whole universe die because of that, or if your can't do the desk job.
But is you are a little cowardly [we see such a Dude every time while we are shaving], then take up the choice of fixing up some number of rounds that you KNOW you can do. Sit down with your mind and get to a real number: 6, 10, 16.
Post the vow here and in the Danish National Newspaper, and then do it! Even if your mind howls and growls, do it.
Take such a vow for a fixed time, like "until next Ekadasi". Take it with your wife, and then re-evaluate.
O.K????
Keep track of how many rounds you owe.
We have done this all personally. We are STRONG and HAPPY (87%).
Hare Krsna!
See you in Spain in April. Please offer our respects to your good wife. She must be a saint.
