Acting Through False Ego You'll Be Lost (18.58)
Dear Gurumaharaja,
Please accept my humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
I wish to put forward a certain theme that is active in my life, which brings me confusion. It is in relation to the above mentioned verse, [no verse above!] and my confusion lies in the dichotomy between stepping up for my 'rights' and just accepting everything, 'surrendering.' I think a case like this is applicable to many devotees who work outside who wish to apply Krishna's teachings in their life, and perhaps you are willing to help to clarify in sharing some points of view. First i guess i have to make a short introduction.
HpS-ASA -- Just in general, there is a third option, no? Stepping up for Krsna's rights! Eg. I am maintaing an Ashrama for Krsna's servants, service, so I have a right to a job and simple income.
In my work i wanted to learn the skill of planning, which happens in a realtime environment. So far i was mostly supporting the colleagues who did this. I have mentioned this ambition to my manager several months ago. My motivations were to secure my position on the job market and income to maintain family, but also out of prestige. I know that is ahankara, but it gives me a sense of having attained something and being someone.
So far i planned in a team of three, and it worked alright. Last month we started a new product in another region, where there is only one active planner. This is quite intense and responsible. There were lots of start up difficulties and lack of personnel on this product, so the quality of our performance was quite poor, not only with me. As a result my manager took me of the team, without giving feedback of asking questions. I only noticed this when i received my new schedule for next month where he took away all planning shifts. I asked him why. He told me my work wasn't good enough. I became very angry with him, because i felt cheated and double-crossed. Ultimately because of my reaction he said he would 'give me another chance.'
Now in retrospect there are several things to say. Krishna advises not to be attached to the result and that is fine in as much as that i can walk away at the end of the day knowing i did my best and conditions are in Krishna's hand. But His instruction to be equipoised when you receive something either good or bad, this is already very difficult for me. I received something bad, and i couldn't handle it. The above mentioned verse came to mind; i came to the conclusion i was acting out of false ego. My motivations were mainly fear based, security and profit adoration distinction. Maybe not extremely selfish, but extended selfishness, family selfishness. And then ofcourse i work in a tigers den, where one has to fight for his position, and envy and betrayal are weekly if not daily affairs.
My confusion lies now in where should i draw the line. I see Krishna's instruction quite black and white, either i act out of false ego or i trust Him completely and act on faith in His protection only. Thinking about it now, i see a big parallel with the Pandava's being cheated and sent to the forest unfairly. That was a very heavy destiny. I lack faith and guess i could use a drop or two.
I hope you are well, and i'm happy to read so many good things are happening in your activities.
With regards,
Your aspiring servant,
Raghava-pandita dasa
HpS - Very nice to hear from you!!!! Maybe we see you in Spain??? At least we can talk on the Tele - Phone! Send a letter to Madrid Temple!!! How much does your child weight? How old? Yes, the Pandava's include all the answer to your question. Also, there is the story of Karna. He was not acting like a pure devotee, no? He wanted some praise, fame. He felt cheated.
Yuddhisthira led them on the path of Dharma sastras, honor amongst theives, in a very strict fashion, but that was not enough. Krsna showed all the options in BG and came to His conclusion. So, the answer is BG. Of course, we may not be uttama adhikari, so Krsna gives options. In any situation we are trying to distinguish reality from illusion for the welfare of all, or trying to see what is good for Krsna. Then we can see all others as our Brothers and Sisters....
... so, the answer is continue with the process, but practically speaking I will give you a mantra I learned on the Vraja-mandala-parikrama where things are very, very tough. When confronted by anger at or fear of others we would remember:
In Vraja, only Krsna and Balarama kill demons, eveyone else just calls, "Radha! Please call for Krsna and Rama to save us!; Hare Krsna, Hare Rama".
Of course, Krsna may empower you to 'kill demons' the same way he did arjuna, but then you will know it and so will the people you 'kill'.
O.K?
N I C E pictures! Thank you.
