Hare krsna gurudev.
All glories to Srila prabhupada.
I don't know I feel completely lost . From every angle in my life everything is going bad . My faith is no more strong . I like Krsna Consciousness but I don't feel inspired to do anything. I feel clinically depressed and am getting nightmares. In dreams I have visions that our connection is also broken (that is strengthened by the article I read in Guru Tattva that a guru cannot act as diksha guru when disciple stops following). I am still trying to follow the regulative principles mostly (I drink coffee to get energy
ASA - Jaya. AGTSP! We wonder what happened to you! We are very happy to hear from you, but as a medical man isn't it a fact that the 'energy' we get from coffee, caffeine, is from artificially whipping the liver? The result is some temporary low class energy, but with permanent damage to the liver.
). My friends who are not devotees are in better condition both materially and spiritually. I am bitter from inside and feel rotten.
ASA - If you didn't have any goodness in your life you would not "feel rotten" you would just "be rotten". Only if you got a perspective of what is good can you see bad.
Everyday I pray that from today I will do better ..but that today never comes.
ASA - We pray the same. We are stronger in the morning because it is the mode of goodness and we have good association, but as the day progresses we get hit by the same problems, but... we do make progress every day. Not as much as we wished but something. For example, you can chant one more Maha-mantra today than you did yesterday... Boing! bONg... bing.... eternal progress!
I have been a failure in both spiritual and material life . I have resigned from work few months back and don't want to work now for few months.
Sometimes I get visions or feeling that even my death will be tragic and full of suffering with lot of pain and diseases. I feel scared ..if this is how Krsna will reciprocate in my latter days then suicide seems better....And suicide seems more logical and easy way to end this life. Its like I have something in my control because everything else is not. I was talking with a patient he gave me this perspective. As I see my life going I feel after few years I wont be left with any friends or contacts ...and as it seems our connection is also broken (from the dream) I don't feel inspired to do anything . I need to know one thing Maharaj are my offences that serious that you have given me up. One devotee adviced me to directly ask you and get clarification regarding this dream that I had.
HpS - You are and eternal servant of Krsna. You have an eternal, beautiful, blissful body and more friends than you can barely handle. Nothing you can ever do will ever change that. You get sucked...
S U C K E D
S U C K E D
S U C K E D by your attachments into the mud along with the rest of us frogs, but you are still pure, like a diamond in the mud.
The Guru-tattva on line is clear and real and nice. As you describe your condition of course we cannot be functioning as you Diksa Guru. You are not acting on the standard of a Diksa disciple. It is like trying to put gasoline into a bicycle, but, as it says, we are very happy to function in a relationship as Patha-pradarshika, Vartmana-pradarshika Guru and get you back on the path again.
O.K? That can be our relationship? We are always pushing to have a relationship with you. As I said we wonder where you have gone. People ask about you. Krsna pushes you in dreams.
SB is FULL of falldowns. Which kind are you, me, having now, but it is also full of people who corrected the situation and got back to work.
Jaya! O.K. You will let us function as Siksa-guru?
Krsna never forgets even little service I read and he reciprocates .... but I do not know the things happening with me little difficult to understand . I accept that it is completely my fault and I am being punished for my actions but how long more will I be punished for things that is in my nature.
ASA - Until you change your nature. Haw! Haw! Hare! (smiley faces aren't working)
I was reading an article where mother Teresa had mentioned about her loss of faith (externally she was praying but internally she was lost , book name "come be my light") is this some strange stage of bhakti at all. Please help me understand.
HpS - I don't know the details. Can hardly know the details. We are exchanging letters like once a year at this pace!! Write more, every month. Every couple of weeks to start.
I do hope to meet you for few days when you reach on 23rd January 2019.
HpS - When were? Got to have plans!
If possible please do not publish this article for everyone as I don't feel ready to reveal myself (maybe if you can change my name) but it's upto you Gurudev.
HpS - If we don't publish it how can you get an answer? Beyond that don't feel so bad! You are in a LOT better condition than most ISKCON devotees, most of our "disciples".
Sorry for the long letter but I am not feeling strong enough to keep everything to myself and needed to get your opinion .
HpS - ASA -- Well we gave it. About time you wrote! Waiting for your answer to our question.
Hare Krishna .
Dandavat pranam.