Dear Siksha Guru Maharaja, Srila Hanumat Presak Swami Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your good self, his surrendered and sincere disciple; all glories to all the devotees of Lord Chaitanya.
As a follow-up to my last letter and any concerns that others may have, with regard to my behavior and thoughts, I would like to mention that I have never had any hatred for the devotees here in Boise, or anywhere else. That would not only be counter-productive to my efforts to engage in devotional service, but it would be brazen Vaishnava aparadha.
When I was in Houston to celebrate your Vyasapuja in 2024, I mentioned at one time to Sriman Niti Sara prabhu in confidence that I did not hate him, but still had all hope for him and his wife: and I still do. However, I did also mention that I was sorely hurt and upset. They are very nice devotees; and it has always been my understanding that a devotee is very dear to Krishna: so much so that even with all his faults, he is worth an unlimited number of non-devotees.
If hatred was an aspect of my response to things here, I don't believe that I would be able to maintain any measure of sadhana even in my own home. Neither would I be able to visit the temple on the most rare occasions, when nobody is there except for the pujari during the evening arotik. There is one conversation between Srila Prabhupada and one Christian clergyman, in which the question was raised "Is it possible for the devotee to hate the Deity?" Srila Prabhupada replied "How can the devotee serve the Deity if he hates the Deity?" And I feel within me that this same principle is essential between devotees: it is not possible to be a devotee and to hate devotees at the same time.
About the discussion between the GBC and myself on the ride to the airport, his holiness, Badrinarayana Maharaja, expressed to me that "he hopes that he and I could still be good friends in spite of this unpleasant turn of events." He embraced me out of his kindness, thus assuring me of his blessings and understanding. Even now, I still remember his comments very clearly, "These devotees are young and naive, and they wish to manage and preach in their own way; and I have to learn to tolerate them." I took that to mean that I am somehow seen as a threat to this community, and therefore I am in their way. That's why I lost it emotionally. I still feel the pain of it all, almost 2 years later.
I feel better, having finally revealed my pains to you in my last letter. Know for certain that even now "Not a day goes by when I don't think about the temple, and the painful moments that had transpired." I still ask myself "How did it come to this?" I think of all the devotees who used to live here; who sympathized and supported me in my struggles with this temple over the years. I reflect on how they were cent-per-cent committed to serving here for life. Instead, they all ended up leaving. This could've easily been a thriving community by now, with more than a two dozen well qualified brahmanas, not including myself: and now they're all gone.
I wish my wife and I were blessed with such intelligence and good fortune to move, confident that what happened to us here Boise, ID would not repeat itself somewhere else. I will close here, hoping to be worthy of your causeless mercy: Hare Krishna.
Your lowly servant,
Balabhadra dasa🙏
HpS - Personally, I think everyone goes through these crises. Someone may feel they are giving their life, blood, to build a Temple, deal with all the diverse conflicts of the devotees, and people are just exploiting them in so many ways.
In a big temple, we may not feel pain and social conflict from the Temple as a whole, but then everyone belongs to a Department the size of a little Temple like in Boise such as the Deity Department, the Food for Life Department, the Sankirtan Department.... and within those they get all the immediate personal conflicts that one gets in a small Temple.
If something really hurts us, clings to us, as initiated devotees, then it seems it must be connected to some deep aspect of our perverted relationship with Krsna, and as we work through it we are working through very deep steps.
Maybe a ton of work will be done in this lifetime, but it will not manifest until our next birth in Nadia with Nimai?
Maybe we will be Chand Kazi, or a friend like Mukunda...
In general, we see that Temples that once had many devotees are now with only a few, but some are prospering.
I don't know why Krsna has kept us in the ISKCON Boise community.
Srila Prabhupada didn't know why Krsna brought him to Boston, no?
🙂
The fundamental principle is that we have chosen to worship a butter thief.
Thank you.
Mostly we are chanting, looking for any service to the Sankirtan movement and then watching for Krsna's indications.
