On returning to more active service KDPC
Please accept my humble obeisances at your lotus feet.
HpS - Aspiring for lotus feet like everyone, but probably still lettuce feet at this point.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
HpS - Jaya!!!
Guru maharaja, this is Nityananda-rama dasa from San Diego.
HpS - Jaya!!! Where have you been???
I must once again apologize for falling off the face of the earth.
HpS - Even though the sky is very big, it has never lost a single rain drop.
For reasons that are not worth asking you to read, roughly four years ago some material situation lead to a severe flare up of some mental health issues that I have,
ASA - You too!
Namely sever chronic anxiety and depression, that lead to me stop living my house, give up working and feel great distress over interacting with anyone other than my long time partner.
After a lot of therapy, medication and work, in the past six months I have started to become more active and able to interact with the world beyond my bedroom door to some extent.
Being able to once again do so, I would like to be able to go to the temple, take Darshan of Sri Sri Radha-Giridhari and work with the local authorities to find some service according to my ability.
HpS - Of course, they are dealing with the Koruna Virus, but that is a detail!
In order to do so, I must understand my position as a devotee and as a disciple so that I can act in accordance with that position.
I understand the importance of devotional association, and understand that the inverse, close association with worldly people destroys Bhakti.
In short, due to my lack of association am I fallen? If I am, are there any steps that I can take to become an acceptable disciple to you and the rest of the sampradaya? If I am not, how do I keep from falling? Additionally, having read what you have written in the blog and the ASA Encyclopedia and understanding that homosexuality in and of it's self is not a disqualification, and having written to Dayanidhi prabhu and having received some guidance from him, I also have have become greatly concerned and incredibly disturbed that being in the long term (seven year) same-sex relationship that I am a part of may in practice be a disqualification from ever being a disciple in good standing and what that means for my seva and my ability to serve in ISKCON.
I apologize if my writing is disjointed or difficult to parse. I am having a difficult time writing this due to concern about my ability or inability to aspire to be a devotee in this life.
HpS - No, it is a very good letter. Very lucid. I studied psychology remember, and of course I don't know the details, but in general, anxiety and feelings of inferiority are not justified. At least from this letter you sound great.
- In the Guru-tattva in the web page: http://jayarama.us/kd/guru-tattva.txt, we write our understanding, that the connection as Diksa Guru between you and Srila Prabhupada, Parampara, is a formality, but not a meaningless formality. Acting as Siksa guru is more informal, and developes as described in NOI 4-6. 'Guhyam akyati prachati'. Unless you are following 4-principles and chanting 16-nice rounds etc. we can't act as Diksa Guru, but.... we can certainly act as Patha-pradarshika Guru and help you get back on the Diksa platform. O.K? Can we help you that way. Chant 16-rounds and follow the 4-principles for Srila Prabhupada and then after six months of that I would say that your can be looking at being one of Srila Prabhupada's regular students again!
- Yeah, in the ASA-encyclopedia we put our understandinf of homosexulality in K.C. of course we are learning more every day. In any case if one is keeping company in hetero or homosexual relation, there must be 1-rounds and 4-principles.
O.K.??? So nice to hear from you again. Hope you learned a lot during these years!! Eternal knowledge.
Your servant,
Nityananda-rama dasa
