Hare Krishna Maharaja
Receive my obeisances
All glories to Srila Prabhupada
I wish that you receive this letter in good health and love for life in Krishna consciousness.
I am writing this letter after the suggestion of Maharaja Bhakti Prabhupada Damodara, for the matter that you are already aware of. I still didn't want to write you this letter and I feel almost obligated to do so, but here I am. I understand and appreciate the good intentions of BPD Maharaja but it causes me distress that he has communicated with you (once again) without taking into account my opinion about it and that makes me feel dejected, I feel that with this action he has disregarded my sense of individuality. I apologize to you for causing unnecessary distractions with this matter that is personal, important to me but it is a matter that I did not want to make public yet and the reason being the following.
Since January of this year I have gone through ups and downs that have affected me a lot in my service and sadhana, I am working every day to fix it, talking with my mind and acting to follow your instructions. However, as you have already noticed, I am absent from the daily programs with you and the reason is that unfortunately (for me) I am having doubts as to whether I am the type of disciple who can follow your instructions. For me it is difficult to write public letters, I prefer personal dealings, create a more personal guru-disciple relationship and lately I am not perceiving that with you, it seems a silly or superficial reason but it is affecting me more than I want, another reason is that, you always say that you are going to leave the body soon and that scares me. I feel despondent because it took me a lot to find you and value your position as a teacher as it should be and when I read that, I feel anguish of losing something extremely valuable.
Many years ago I knew that the relationship with you was with public letters and with daily programs, I accepted it and I got closer to you, since you inspire me greatly to be better every day, you awaken in me great admiration, one that I have not felt in other teachers.
But in my heart there is also joy and inspiration with the instructions of another prabhupada disciple that I prefer not to mention for now. I am sad because I was sure that you were the teacher who inspired me to follow the path of bhakti but that inspiration, for now, I cannot perceive. I have looked for another preaching style to be able to "feel" that I am advancing in my spiritual development. I understand that it may be due to my irregular sadhana or lack of good association, there may be many reasons, it is my mind that is sabotaging me constantly.
It disheartens me that I would like to feel I am at the right level to be considered an excellent disciple, but as of now I am not doing so well. I am embarrased to write this letter and miss the great opportunity to continue to work with you on your daily programs. I am not sure how to conclude this letter since there are no apparent solutions and I do not want to occupy your time in small matters, I just want to apologize to you for any inconvenience and thank you for each of your teachings and your inspiration.
Stefani N. Salazar Michelena
(Petti Michelena)
Chile
HpS - ASA --- Hare Krsna. It is very nice to hear from you. Even now our eyes are growing a little weak and it is difficult to see the keyboard clearly. Happens to everyone. Srila Prabhupada could not see well at all near the end of his physical body.
First the kids feel afraid of going to school, then they learn that it is so much fun they don't want to stay home.
We are afraid of losing bodily connection but then we learn that only when we give up the bodily conception of life can we actually have a personal relationship.
Madhumangala Das from BsAs told me about three years ago, that after being initiated by us for seven years he had finally figured out that we were not his psychologist we were his spiritual master. So, it is like that. Fear really comes from ignorance. Not so easy to understand Krsna. Not so easy to understand Balarama, the original Guru. Even Radha is trying to understand Balarama better.
I talked with BPVD Swami and I think he was just trying to do the austerity of arranging things for his disciple and of course he wanted to know my relationship with your good self. I told him that we had not had much contact her or in individual letters. So that forced him to try to approach it from different angles.
You can see that your situation in general is like, like maybe six more people. I can even name some of them. I cannot possible communicate about these more general perspectives with everyone. I was getting 450 letters a month before we started this Blog. Now is is probably manageable if we work at it.
Then again, for specific details there can be specific letters.
When I was living in the Berkeley temple but probably not initiated yet, Revantinandana Swami visited for some time. He had been Srila Prabhupada's secretary and spent a lot of time with him physically. He told us that one time he asked Srila Prabhupada that some of his disciples thought that he (Prabhupada) was conscious of everything they were doing eg. washing the temple floor, and was it true?
He said that SP said that he was not the super soul. When he needed to know something about a disciple then Krsna would inform him and usually externally.
The only really personal relationship that will satisfy you is with Krsna. He is everyones dear-most friend. It will come through father, husband, sons, Diksa gurus, Ashrama gurus, etc.
So again thank you.
We are very happy if you can develop relations with so many siksa gurus who can connect you with Srila Prabhupada. You have to have a personal relationship with him.
