Efforts to find equanimity
Dear Guru Maharaja,
Please accept my humble obeisances at your lotus feet.
HpS - We must, agtSP, have lotus feet in our siddha svarupa and must you also. maybe we have lotus hooves or lotus roots, not feet.
I am deeply sorry for the long time that has passed without communication. I recognize that this silence has been my way of managing the shame and guilt I felt regarding my internal state. Instead of seeking guidance, I have retreated, something for which I assume full responsibility.
HpS - ASA --- we all do this, no? 'don't become a victim'. we may not win but we can always go on fighting. wars are not won by well dressed soldiers. wars are won by individual wounded soldiers who help each other go on fighting.
you may not think that you can do much as one individual, but just remember what it is like to pass the night with one mosquito!
Hare Krsna.
Nine years ago, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I accepted this condition as part of my karma and the Lord’s plan for my purification. I have dealt with the physical consequences, the wear and tear, and the constant pain, while trying my best to maintain my devotional practice (sadhana).
HpS - As I write my eyes are burning a water flowing. It was worse in Nashville. Three times worse, yet we made some adjustment to make it three times better. We traveled to Houston.
Always be problems, no?
This body does not get diseases, this body is a disease.
It will always remind us that this is not our home.
Although I have tried to maintain a positive attitude externally, the impact on my physical health (kidneys, vision, tendons, etc.) inevitably affected my emotional well-being.
HpS - Superficial emotions! Deeper emotions. Things, senses, mind, intelligence, soul, gopis souls.
Added to these circumstances were difficult work situations, such as abuse of power and workplace harassment, which gradually diminished my emotional resilience and my ability to maintain equanimity.
Two years ago, these challenges culminated in a diagnosis of severe depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I responsibly accepted that I needed professional help. I have been in psychological therapy, clinging with all that I possess to the lotus feet of Guru and Gauranga. My strength occasionally wanes, and completing my rounds on japa is a daily struggle; there are days when, due to my condition, I cannot finish them. I accept my current reality without blaming anyone, seeking only shelter in the Lord.
By your infinite mercy, last year I managed to see you in the holy dham and receive a few drops of your association at Radha Kunda. That I, an insignificant being, could attain the darshan of Sri Radha Kunda and bow my head before Her, was solely thanks to your mercy, dear Gurudev.
HpS- Yeah!!!
https://www.google.com/search?q=john+wick+are+you+back+in+business%3F&rlz=1C1HKFL_enUS1192US1192&oq=john+wick+are+you+back+in+business%3F&gs_lcrp=EgZjaHJvbWUyBggAEEUYOTIHCAEQIRigATIHCAIQIRigATIHCAMQIRigATIHCAQQIRigATIHCAUQIRigATIHCAYQIRirAjIHCAcQIRirAjIHCAgQIRifBTIHCAkQIRifBdIBCTEyNzcwajBqNKgCALACAQ&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:4a87b0e2,vid:KR7eBMry9Ls,st:0
Krsna fighting with Kaliya.
Krsna will protect you from all these attacks so you can see yourself from the absolute perspective even while in this world.
A couple of months ago, I experienced a relapse of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Shame and guilt have invaded the depths of my heart. I feel sad and, in my ignorance, I have wondered why these things happen despite my active service and my attempts to chant attentively.
I have come to understand that these health conditions are material challenges that require both spiritual and medical management. It is not a punishment for my ego or my inability to serve, but rather my responsibility to care for this instrument—my body and mind—so that I may continue serving. My devotional principles and my vows (Gayatris) remain intact. However, I humbly recognize that my attachment and taste for the Holy Name fluctuate; there are days when I feel apathetic and days when I sincerely pray for greater attachment to chanting.
Dear Gurudev, I carry you in my unworthy heart and constantly remember your instructions and teachings. I am a fallen soul who today, consciously, recognizes herself as a fallen soul.
I humbly beg that you mercifully cast your glance upon me with compassion. I am a foolish being, incapable of fully comprehending the plans and desires of our Supreme Lord, but I am trying my best to remain on the path under your guidance. Please allow me to remain under your shelter.
Always at your eternal service,
Apsara-gopi Devi Dasi
HpS - Esteemed Boogey Woman. Wonder Woman. People who get big test are expected to do big things. A lifetime in preparation.
Is this conditioning to get ready for you role in the Maha-bharata.
More news soon. When the battle in a thousand little ways, tricks, every day.
