Dear Siksha Gurudeva, Srila Hanumat Presaka Swami Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your good self for your many years of selfless and exemplary devotional service; all glories to all the devotees of Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. I will leave it up to you to decide whether or not you wish to print this letter for all to see. I have stopped caring one way or the other.
I have been wondering whether or not to share some things that had happened prior to my leaving the temple for a second time, back in the summer of 2023. I purposely withheld these topics from you because I know that you are often assaulted with grievances from devotees: all of whom, like myself, look to you for some hope, some guidance. I did not wish to burden you with additional grievances. But I have had a change of heart, and I am thinking that you should know at least some of the details from my side of the story. I am quite sure that you have heard plenty from the other side. I will be very brief, leaving out lots of details.
HpS/ASA - O.K. AgtSP. We will make our effort to see that these topics are suitable for this forum, and hope that Srila Prabhupada does 99.999% of the work.
First, we only heard that there was some disturbance, that some Temple administrators felt your preaching to some neophytes needed some changes in perspective, but that is about all.
From top to bottom, from you and others, some administrators approached you and administrators and friends, and we heard from them that it was a misunderstanding, but that is all, and maybe we will read other perspectives as we go on.
Before the very first Thursday evening Krishna Lounge ever got started in early 2022, I was offered the honor of being the very first speaker at the Thursday night programs here.
However, that event was passed on to to Bhakti Sundara Swami, a visiting guest speaker: and I can understand that it was Krishna's arrangement. But since that beginning, I was NEVER ever invited to give a class at the Thursday evening programs at any time. I don't know why; nothing was ever explain to me. So, I simply accepted it quietly as Krishna's arrangement for my own purification.
HpS - Does seems strange. Same thing happens to us, even now? Some times I try to gentle catch of sniff of why we are not invited, though not rejected, and sometimes it is because the organizers think that we are only for use in big programs!
Maybe we are useless. 😃
I never inquired and I never complained. And I still participated in all the temple functions: with the exception of the Thursday night programs.
About a year later, at the start of 2023, again for reasons unknown to me, I was removed from ever giving a class or leading a kirtan at any Sunday Feast festivals, or any other Vaishnava celebrations.
HpS/ASA - Amazing
Nothing was explained to me about why; and again I simply accepted it quietly as Krishna's arrangement for my purification: never questioning or complaining about it. And still, I continued to attend all the temple functions.
When H. H. Badrinarayana Maharaja came for a visit in 2023, just prior to your own visit to Boise, Maharaja requested that I be the one to drive him to the airport for his departure. And it was during that drive that he expressed to me some grievances that the temple had against me. He felt bad about it, and he asked me to somehow consider making some changes to my involvement: in other words not to be so involved with the ongoing preaching efforts of the new administration, as if I was doing something very wrong.
HpS - You mentioned this a little and said that you felt Maharaja was speaking as you well wisher, no?
I tried to accept it as Krishna's arrangement as another chance to be humble, to keep my head down, to swallow my grief and be at peace somehow: but I couldn"t. I actually suffered an emotional breakdown, and there was no one I could run to for shelter. And it wasn't until the very next day that it came to me as a realization that I had to remove myself from this community. And it was then that I informed the community as a whole on Whatsapp, and I informed you as well at the same time.
Since then, several appeals were made to try and bring me back, but I was convinced that if I were to do so, I would be setting myself up for a third occasion to be chased away. As offensive as my words may sound, "I really don't give a damn anymore what happens to this temple."
HpS/ASA - Ooops. Red Flag!! Even if I separate from difficult devotees, people and communities. I go to Krsna, Prabhupada, and I see that they are well wishers of all living entities and so I have to situate myself so that I can help them. At least not hate them and be ready to help as an opportunity arise, in this lifetime or the next.
Yes, let Krsna deal with situations that are too difficult.
Sitting outside the Temple, Institute, on a house stoop around the corner on a Saturday in the Sunshine, with many shoppers passing by, I recovered from raising my hands in the air like Draupadi while being attacked again, by one devotee, and a few tears came to the eyes, and Krsna took us out and we found a comfortable place to sit and chanted.... and after some time we got the intelligence from the chanting on how to relate to the situation, painful person, and returned to make our resignation from full participation in the institution, but remaining as a well wisher from a distance.
That worked, was functional, but two years later was another conflict with the same person, even at some distance.
Hari bolo!
Hare Krsna.
Maharaja Parkishit cursed by a Brahmana boy?
Reaction for our hypocritical actions?
Doesn't stop our main progress. Will be resolved.
Maybe in our next life in Nadiya with Nimai.
I have tried to serve, even after I was expelled from this temple back in 2008. I have nothing but complete distrust and despondency for this community. I don't feel safe here at all, and the only reason why I am still living here in Boise is because I am too old, too tired and too lazy to move once again.
I realize that this must be a most offensive letter to unload.
HpS/ASA - Who are we to judge?
Yet, we are chanting and following process, so our opinion is of some worth.
From that perspective we feel that you aren't looking at the situation from the view point of Prahlada Maharaja toward his father. 😆
But I feel compelled, otherwise I will simply struggle with depression if I don't. I wanted to share these things with you long ago, but I didn't have the heart to impose upon you, knowing how you must hear so much of the same griefs from others.
HpS - Feel to some degree we have learned how, and how much we can get involved in these situations as counselor, or 'victim' 🙂.
We can always take up the attitude of the Brajavasi, ISKCON members :In Braja only Krsna and Balarama kill demons. Everyone else calls, Hare Krsna, Hare Rama
You have been a great source of encouragement for my wife and I in our lives. And yet, somehow I feel like I have lost everything and I am without a friend in the world.
But I still have my sadhana. In 1984 I went before Sri Sri Radha Govinda in Denver and took a personal vow to chant 20 rounds of japa every single day: a vow that I have kept for over 40 years to this very day.
I worship my Deities on the altar twice a day, every day.
I have my daily readings of Srimad Bhagavatam, my daily attendances on Bhagavatam classes from Hawaii, plus my evening Bhagavad gita classes 3 times a week.
I still have my Iskcon Prison Ministry preaching, and my book distribution when driving for Uber.
If you find yourself unhappy or disgusted with me and choose to push me away, I will accept it: painful as it may all be. But know for certain that it is genuinely impossible for me to care about this community, where I have felt most unwelcomed and unwanted even from the very beginning. Their "jai prabhus" laden with smiles, and their invitations to come back are all facade and pretentious.
I pray that you can forgive me for this offensive letter. I pray that you will still show some mercy upon my wife and I, and find favor with us. If possible, maybe you can allow us to serve you some prasadam in our home during your upcoming visit.
Your lowly and unworthy servant
Balabhadra dasa
HpS // ASA - We read in the Ramayana that Rama sent Hanuman to talk with Vali about reconciling with Sugriva, but Hanuman came back and said that Vali will never accept that Vali did not intentionally betray him and bury him alive and give up his anger toward him until Vali dies.
Long story.
Yet we can only recommend that if we cannot deal with situations as Uttama adhhikaris, (Which we face in our own life), then we should at least face them as Madhyama adhikaris and avoid what we perceive as demonic character in devotees.
Later Krsna may show us that it is a misunderstanding or he may adjust the situation for the offenders.
Then we go ahead.
Going ahead, means cultivating another community as you say, and that means finding some way to go ahead, every day.
My experience, as a Sannyasi, is that if we do it sincerely, then Krsna will protect us even if we are old, and have to physical resources.
Of course, maybe we do not need to move physically, just accept that for the next few short years, we will have mostly virtual association.
O.K. Thank you.
Maybe others will want to comment on these comments. This is about the most we can do. It may not be much, but it is something!
Five minutes past our bed time. 💤
