Sincerity ¡¡¡¡¡
Hare Krsna Beloved Gurudeva :
AGTSP ¡¡ AGTU PAOHO ¡¡¡
I just saw U on Krsna book ¡¡¡ it was really funny that reading the letters that U had posted I looked the oen that U reply to Madhumanjari and I said it is funny because she asked exactly what I wanted to ask U ¡¡¡
But first sincerity, no first AN APOLOGY I have realized that we, at least me, do not help U at all we just give U burdens and problems, headaches due to our stupidity, arrogance, ignorance etc ¡¡¡
ASA - AGTSP paoho We have realized that we have basically the same relationship with Srila Prabhupada!!!
...we sometimes are too selfish and just think in ourselves ¡¡ we keep fighting between each other all this disgust me all so much I am so angryyy with me with some of us. For being lazy for not being intelligent ¡¡ I was doubtful about continue with the BV study but U and Namacarya gave me faith and strength but due to work, other services and laziness I am not satisfy with my study I am very delay with my essays, and I need to read more and catch up on a lot ¡¡¡ and sincerely I do not know that if in that condition I can take the test and also continue with the course ¡¡¡¡
ASA --- Priorities. 1) 16 enthusiastic rounds 2) 4-principles strictly 3) Full morning (and evening (and daily Sankirtan (according to your nature and ability))) program. Full morning and evening program means 1-hour of study morning and evening. That can mean Bhakti vaibhava. That comes before your Sankirtana (Karma-yoga). Because you are the daughter of a Ksatriya-brahmana you should do the same as your Karma yoga. So on hour in morning and one hour in evening should really be aumented with 2-hours of variegated readinig and writing daily.
It's a matter of getting the daily rhythm!
Also I feel so so uncomfortable being part of NIMSAR so sorry to tell U this but maybe U have realized that this email its entiled sincerity so I need to tell U all the things that are on my heart i feel that we are not a group at all there are many many barriers between us maybe it is due to the different ages, characters, different services and also I have to say resentment between us I thing that for me is better to not being part of NIMSAR anymore I can not work like this being careful everything I say maybe someone can take it wrong I feel that all of us think " the others have to do what I want, if not .....I just leave" this break my heart but the thing that most hurts me is that we are not helping your eternal sankirtan to Srila Prabhupada ¡¡¡¡ I am right now perplexed not knowing what to do fight or not fight like arjuna ¡¡¡ but why fight??? we are devotees ¡¡¡ but wherever I look around there is hypocrisy, offenses, envy ¡¡
I am really dissapointed about myself first , then about the rest also what are we doing wrong? why U have to suffer our mistakes? what CMDD have to do to please U, to HELP U, ?? what ??? so it is the same as madhumanjari I try to follow what U say and try to have your association on japa joe ¡¡ BV so maybe some day I can have just at least 1% of your faith and love to Krsna ¡¡¡¡
Gurudeva I feel that I am not doing what U need, I feel that I just do what CMDD likes to do. I like pujari but U like that I do that ?? or you prefer that I study more the scriptures ¡¡¡ my soul is not happy when U are sick, sad, dissapointed ¡¡¡ so please tell me what cmdd can do to please Srila Prabhupada, HpS, and Sri Sri Radha and Krsna ¡¡¡¡
I am so sorry this letter is so long ¡¡¡¡¡
But I need your words your enlightmen in order to continue ¡¡¡¡ I do not know If I can continue without U, really I have been really honest on this letter and I will accept all the things U tell me. U are our strength
Please kindly forgive all my offenses
ALways trying to be your disciple
Candramukhi dd
ASA - Girls are so emotional! Haw! Haw! Haw!! (My mother as a girl (big girl, but girl))... Thank you so much for such nice letter. Now here's the (((secret))) everyone GBC, Gurus, other Devotees in Peru, Houston, Boise are feelling just the same way.
!! Huh !! ??? !
ASA - Yes. Isn't it amazing? I have association at all these levels. Pretty personal, just like our good selves, and this is the situation. It's not all that bad. On some days we feel bad and write all kinds of growling and complaining, but if you look at other communities they are usually worse. O.K. They have some happy sentiment sometimes but it is matched by angry sentiment more than us also. Generally scientific studies show that ISKCON is about 30% above average in its social satisfaction... but behind that, under that, we have really good reason for hope.
We are in the stage of Vaidhi bhakti. We follow the rules, keep the association because we are afraid of going to hell. That's intelligent. That's a fact. CMDD, Yugala kisora Devi Dasi, Hanumatpresaka Swami.... stop associating with devotees according to regular ISKCON institution... one day ... two days ... more chocolate .... coca-cola with some friends .... fun with friends .... ... . . . well beer doesn't smell so bad......
.... so best use of a bad bargain. NIMSAR, ISV.. yes, make intelligent adjustments, not stupid adjustments and then..... we have a little patience to see the result. Jaya!
We -all- thank you for such a nice letter.
