VYASA PUJA OFFERING
Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances at your lotus feet;
All glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada.
I have been wanting to take some time out to write some meaningful words to you, but witing is something that does not come easily for me. I am easily distracted for the most part, because I don't always know how to say what is in my heart. I want to express so much gratitude for your kindness when you come to our home, but I don't want it to sound like cheap flattery;
Showing gratitude is not something that I do lightly. Yet, with your vyasa puja observance upon us, I am feeling compelled and inspired to try and share something here and now, during the quiet moments when everyone is asleep, about how my devotional service has been lately. I heard once that a devotee can offer his admission of weaknesses and failures as an offering unto the spiritual master, and not just his achievements. So I thought that since I have plenty of weaknesses and failures, that this would be a good place to start.
Whilst we do still have daily morning and evening sadhana in our home, there are many mornings when I feel lazy and therefore am not alert to the importance of the early start of mangala hours; As such there is no punctuality in either the morning or evening programs in our home. In spite of years of endeavoring to practice Krishna consciousness, in my heart I still feel so much contamination of the material energy, always contemplating sense gratification. And even though I am fully convinced that I will be a devotee for life, I haven't the slightest inclination and make any significant sacrifice outside of my comfort zone; I can't say if it is laziness, or lack of true faith, or lack of devotee association: Or all of these things. Lately, we have had some really ecstatic kirtanas in our home each week for the past 6 weeks. But then the devotees leave, and the normal pattern of the material energy returns into our daily existence, and it seems like I find myself beating my head against the wall. At times I contemplate going on some spiritual retreat, but then I easily talk myself out of it, feeling it is too much trouble and how I can't just leave my wife alone to deal with the economic struggles. When the GBC came to Boise last spring, we invited the entire community of devotees to join us for a lunch program, and they all came, but it wasn't without total anxiety and reservation on my part. And when I visited the temple for Janmastami last summer for the first time in so long, I was struggling with so much envy and anxiety, that I only stayed long enough to witness and participate in the Sundara arotika, and then went home.
I can say for sure that when I am engaged in my morning sadhana, much of the time I am alone, and it is in those moments that I am able to hear more attentively the meanings of the prayers that we chant every day: Such as "the lotus feet of the spiritual master....I bow down to his lotus feet with great awe and reverance." And I can understand, at least in some part, that accepting the shelter of the spiritual master is not merely some formality, but an absolute essential. I can also understand that I don't know how to show such deep, genuine, heartfelt respect. At best, I can only act out some show of respect superficially. When I hear myself uttering these translations, I sometimes reflect on how much you have to sacrifice your own life in the service of Srila Prabhupada, and I wish that I had even an ounce of such dedication: If I did, then I would be an inspiration to others. I can understand that I am in great need of your mercy, if there is to be any hope for me in my Krishna consciousness. So I pray that you not forget me in your own prayers to Srila Prabhupada, that you continue to bless our home with you future visits to the Boise community, and that you kindly accept my humble efforts and meager words as an offering, for my own purification.
Your lowly servant,
Balabhadra dasa
HpS - ASA - Jaya!!!! AGtSP. We don't have much to say after such an intense offering. We are in Argentina with a little headache growing. I think it is in part from the computer screen and part from the lack of oxygen in our basment room. So I opened the windows (with a hammer) and now the mosquitos will drift in one or two.
Ha! Ha! Hare!
I don't feel much ahead of you in your advancement: Comfort zone, anxiety about institutional problems etc. My only effort is to chant good rounds. Get association by tele-communication. For example, get a Japa partner and check in by Twitter or telephone, and do the same for Mangala arati and SB!
We hope to see you soon. Thank you for your inspiration. It is a reality for us.
