Haribol Hanumat Presaka Swami Maharaj,
Please accept my obeisances,
All glories to Srila Prabhupada
I apoligize for messaging you Maharaj as I know you have more important matters to attend to. I wanted to wait until I had my rounds straightened out to speak to you but I felt it still shouldn't stop me from communicating.
HpS - ASA --- A G T S P ! paoho. Yes, we all need association to advance from level 127 to level 128, so please stay in touch so we, the ASA Blog Society, can all help each other advance our service to Lala and Lali!
I'm still here in Boise, writing papers for undergrad-college, getting braces to hopefully fix these raksasa-teeth and selling stuff at the counter.
ASA - What counter???
Thinking of moving to a more clean job at the end of this spring semester. Happy to still be alive and happier to be in association with Balabhadra dasa prabhu and his wife Lalita devi dasi mataji, through their shelter they help inspire me to stay conscious of devotional service and be able to learn to associate and serve Vaishnavas. But the reason I wanted to send a letter to you was to ask some questions.
I gave away these RK and JBS deitys and some others I have had in storage for a long time, along with some beautiful dolls I got from Mayapur all to the Boise temple, Sri Arjuna’s family and Balabhadra prabhu. I felt that they needed to be in qualified care, rather than letting them stay in dark boxes. It’s sort of an anxiety I guess I’ve had pent up that I hadn’t taken care of. My mother considers them “hers” but I want her to trust my judgment by putting them in the hands of more willing and qualified devotees. I try not to worry about my mother, but I guess I still consider it my duty to ensure she is safe and has money? I feel by giving her money much like my grandmother and my father used to, it enables her to be more co-dependent on me as a source of income. Although if I cold-shoulder her, I’m ignoring my duty to her as a son and being hard hearted?
HpS - We try to act in Varna-ashrama institution in a nice fashion. It is created by Krsna to create a nice psycho-social situation in which the dormant spiritual qualities of the spirit soul can develop. If this spiritual qualities are not developing much then we don't invest too much energy into it. Whatever ever we can easily do. Krsna will do any extra that is required.
In the Bhagavatam I believe it's explained we lose our memory after birth. Is it possible devotees can experience things that may relate to their past lives? Devotional images or Paraphernelia that may give them a sense of "familiarity"? Are feelings or voices experienced with it whether positive or negative - from the self, demons, ghosts possibly inhabiting the conditioned material mind/body?
HpS - You last sentence is not clear: Unclear pronoun reference and maybe a missing comma, but yes, as far as we know, even ordinary experiences from the last life are still available until about three years old. It is like when you wake up, you can remember dreams for some time and then the force of your current life pushes them back. For devotees, special situation.
Finally, I had a realization a few weeks ago thats been sitting deep in my mind every day since. I've felt it very rarely in the past few years and I admit I'm ashamed I never realized this years ago or even before that day I first set foot inside the Boise temple. Thats why it's given rise to the most important question I think I want to ask you.
ASA - My God! The suspense is killing us!!!!
Maharaj, what can cause a living entity to have a heart so hard that it feels nothing?
HpS - Killing cows. Aborting babies in your womb... Super-bowl football.
A heart so silent and so empty for so long that they forget themself and even other living entities have a heart? How can we open that heart to feel with it again and then purify it from all these material desires? Most importantly, how can we listen to the holy name and hari-katha sincerely within our hearts??
Maharaj, how can I find a heart??
HpS - ASA - I have, had, the same problem. I think .... The basic answer is "brahmanda brahmite kona ...", that it is Krsna who is going to make us feel different. Especially in His humour of Lord Caitanya. He comes. He smiles at us. He sits with us when we are sobbing in pain and gives us some help. Sooooo, we have to cultivate the mercy we have.
You were born in a Gaura family. You have contact with Gaura's devotees. You have some Gaura intelligence! You have to cultivate that with utsahan, niscayad, dhairyat (NOI 3).
It won't get soft, responsive to the Name of our beloved, immediately, but it will go from feeling like a rock to feeling like an auto mobile tire, little flexible but tough.
Adau sraddha... BG 4.10 purport... is Ruci we start to get a soft heart, no?
Please forgive my offenses,
Your aspiring fallen servant,
Thank you so much for you association. Our respects to Balabhadra and Mataji and everyone. Looks like 97% confirmed we will be in Boise for Rathyatra! On to the next letter. Join us!!!