Hare Krishna dear Gurumaharaj,

Please accept my humble obeisance and gratitude to you, again and again.

All glories to Srila Prabhupada!!.

While visualizing you to the extend [extent] that our limited perceptual capacity allows us and appealing to your kind and compassionate nature, [we actually have a very selfish demonic nature but by Srila Prabhupada's intense love it is under control and diminishing] we write this as another attempt to approach you.

It is like a mischievous dog after wandering and sniffing around got its muzzle smashed; then, it runs, looking for its master for safety and when it is almost nearby, it crawls towards the master carrying a straw with its teeth along with remorse and embarrassment.

HpS - Sounds like a Bengali dog, Rupa Goswami's dog.

PLEASE FORGIVE me GURUMAHARAJ, due to my rebel attitude, false ego and pride I kept myself aloof from you, starving myself from your direct protection (looking at you from a distance and wishing to be close to you = self-inflicted pain). Please Gurumaharaj help me to COME BACK AND TAKE SHELTER AT THE SHADE OF YOUR LOTUS FEET FOREVER. I don't want to be away anymore!!

HpS - ... and Narottama Das Thakur confesses that he is lower than the Jagai and Madia. I feel that I probably have the same attitude toward Srila Prabhupada in so many ways.

This is a public confession of my mistake = faults.

HpS - Not public, this Blog is only comprehensible to members of the Anjana Suta Academy, a pioneering branch of ISKCON.

Due to your compassionate, practical and visionary nature, one of your instructions to all of us is, to write and contact you using this Blog. There are many reasons for it; mainly, everybody can derive benefits by reading your responses to ours letters; yet, out of false ego, pride and selfishness I dared not to follow your instruction and questioning its validity; excusing myself by saying 'THE BLOG BLOCKS ME', alleging the need for confidentiality (what the heck, Madhumanjari?).

HpS - As far as I can understand, the desire to be an intimate associate of Guru and Krsna can have two elements: Pride and Natural impulse. We remember Srila Sanatana Goswami writing that... every cowherd boy thinks that he is KRSNA's closest friend, and this bothers him... "How can Krsna deal with me like this??? There are so many other boys greater than me, who love Him so much more than I do?".... So he thinks, "I am Krsna's closest friend!?!", and Sanatana Goswami says, "By the nature of the internal potency it is a fact".

So this is a reality. You, me, we ARE Krsna's closest friend. Srila Prabhupada's closest associate. Sikhi-mahiti's sister was one of the 3-1/2 closest associates of Lord Caitanya (try and top that), but as a Sannyasi she never got within smiling distance of Him. Iskcon is OUR movement. Its health and success depends on us.

... but material desire for fame (I am worse than you {I am the most fallen, Ha! Ha! Ha!}) also motivates us to be a 'special disciple of Guru/Krsna. Of course, that very stewpid desire keeps us from becoming and intimate disciples, gotta keep sweeping it out.

This is GURU-APARADA. I have offended you again Gurumaharaj and deprived myself from your guidance and protection, putting myself at risk. Please forgive me Gurumaharaj!!!. I am really sorry!!

Despite of my offences, there is a bit of spiritual consciousness in me, which is there only because of you Sir, you care for us (your disciples), you hold us all alive. I give witness of that.

In spite of my stupidity, the thoughts of you, remembering your example of dedication, service and surrender to Srila Prabhupada, your selfless and intense preaching, by remembering your compassion and forgiving nature, your purity and transparence in your dealings with devotees and people in general, your knowledge, witty and wisdom, your all encompassing and visionary approach to spirituality, your humble and meek attitude, your firm conviction and faith in Srila Prabhupada's books, your deep faith in the Holy Name - Maha mantra HARE KRISHNA, your taste for chanting and remembering Krishna, your creativity and out of the box view of life and death, your constant effort for taking care of us (your disciples) in a personalized manner. The remembrance of all these and more gives me the strength to face my weakness of character and to surrender to you.

What a great fortune!!!

HpS - AGTSP who can use devils as instruments to deliver a pure message.

Due to causeless mercy, we have the great fortune to have you Gurumaharaj as our spiritual master. It is only because of you that we can have the opportunity to be engaged in devotional service, giving real meaning to our existence and be part of Srila Prabhupada's movement (with all that that implies) - ISKCON (Srila Prabhupada's offering to his spiritual master Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati Thakura). It is because of you that we all eventually will go back to KRISHNA. For all these and more, THANK YOU SO MUCH GURUMAHARAJ!!.

Gurumaharaj, I pray to you, Srila Prabhupada and Krishna that this attempt to follow and please you, it should not remain just as an attempt rather it should become a constant attitude and a fact.

It seems that this became too lengthy. Sorry Sir.

HpS - It is O.K. It is in English! (😎) Good English.

I planned to write you about many points, but got stuck with this important one; thus, now there is another reason to push me to write you soon.

Please forgive me for all my offences and kindly bless me.

Thank you Sir.

Your aspiring servant

Madhumanjari dd.

HpS - Thank you for giving us some perspective on how to go ahead in our own relation to Krsna and Guru. Honestly we face challenges. Because we are taking this role of Diksa guru for Srila Prabhupada we should comment that we have been able to follow the four principles since before initiation. Of course, in the beginning there were so many bad dreams and etc, but that goes away. However, until death lusty thoughts will not go away, as long as we have this Western body. We get 16-rounds done.. well... but so often have to catch up from day to day.

We have confidential confession from so many disciples about their very unfortunate falls into Maya, but we always remember what we read, that Rama told Laksmana: There is no mistake we can make that we cannot correct.

If we pay for the murder of cows to be served as beef we have to approach them and apologize and compensate for the damage we have done to them until they are happy with us.

Thank you! I think you have done pretty well. At least 65%, maybe 95%. Like you say we have not been too much Siksa guru for your good self, but that is O.K. if you have been taking advantage of others eg. Devamrta Swami? Anniruddha Das? ... Diksa is keeping the link by 16/4. We are your servants!! AgtSP! Next letter.