Dear Guru Maharaja:
All the glories to Sri Sri Radha Krishna
All the glories to Srila Prabhupada
All glories to you
Please accept my humble obeisances
I am going through a very introspective moment,
ASA-HpS - So was Balabhadra Das in the last letter!
I have noticed some bad behaviors in my mind, some more gross and others more subtle, in the principle for me they were imperceptible and now I see them as anarthas, I try to be very attentive to detect the moment when Maya wants wrap me up and see how I can get out of that situation in a favorable way, sometimes I can realize when it's starting to happen, other times when it's already happening, others when it's already happened, dealing with the mind is exhausting and I do not always have the intelligence to beat it, but I'm trying, day after day.
HpS - Wow, this is exactly how I live. I seem to have little intelligence to make progress, but it seems possible! To make great progress everyday, for three days.
It's hard to recognize that there are undesirable qualities in my way of being, it hits my false ego a lot, but it's okay, because it reminds me that it's there, sometimes my mind hits me so hard that I think I will not be able to stand it.
HpS - Maybe God does not show me what rascal I am. Knows I am not as sincere as are you. We can always smile and go ahead.
Recently I realized that I have small explosions of anger, I say explosions because it's something that escapes and makes a puffffff, it's only a few seconds, I do not know what to do with that.
Once you told me two things that are really meaningful to me: Put sankirtan first! Chant your rounds directing to our Guru, Srila Prabhupada. I'm giving baby steps, sometimes I think I'm being negligent because I'm not giving everything, other days I think I have to be patient with myself, every day I keep these instructions in mind, I do not go out to distribute books, but every time I can I speak about Krishna and I give books as gifts. To be honest, it makes me a little scared to go out and distribute books to the street, my mind tells me that no one is going to want them, that someone might treat me badly. I'm going to improve, I want to improve, I want to give everything, I feel I need to be just a little braver. With respect to singing my rounds to Srila Prabhupada, it is something that helps me, inspires me in the service, and above all I feel that my love for him grew a lot. I dare to say that I love Prabhupada. Years ago I did not understand that love that the devotees feel for him and it made me very sad, because I wanted to know how it was. Sometimes I get very distracted in my singing but I always remember going back to Prabhupada.
I am trying not to get involved in conversations where devotees speak badly about devotees, it is difficult, sometimes I want to do it, my mind wants to be satisfied, but I try to focus on what I really want, Krsna Prema, criticizing someone is not going to give me it, so I see it as an obstacle and a waste of time.
I have a question: If I feel that someone as close as a friend is a bad association, what should I do?
HpS - Of course, the general answer is to try to help them, but the situations are full of details. That is why we have 18,000 verses in the SB and then other books. What should I do if a friend is sick? Answer that question and you have the answer to your question.
Send us this question and then you thoughts.
I have read and hearded about Srimati Radharani, who is she, her qualities, her pastimes, her relationship with Krisna, I know that I receive her mercy because of the beautiful services that I have, which for me are very special, like to sew beautiful clothes, wash and iron towels and gamsas for the Temple's Deities. I feel blessed because those services connect me with the deities, I think in the deities every day, thanks to that. But there is something that hurts me and is not feeling the same love for her that I feel for Sri Krsna, first of all, the intensity is less, and secondly is that the relationship is not the same, I do not know how to relate with her, and I need to know.
HpS - One very good way is to become conscious of the the Name "Hare", "Oh, Hara", in the Maha-mantra. Say it sincerely and She will let you know what is Her situation.
Last question: The Rasa that one has with Krsna, whether as a friend, father, mother, brother, lover, is it something that I can choose? Or is it something that is already determined and I have to discover what is our rasa?
HpS - Seems a very subtle, but common, question to us. We are, no choice, Sat Cit Ananda, the essence of these is free will. Up to Sakhya rasa, even a little higher kind of Sakhya-rasa, we belong to Krsna. Then Krsna belongs to us, Mamata. We start to make decisions about Krsna's future etc. Krsna likes that.
Nitya siddha krsna prema.... look for it in NOI and then follow the link to CC and read on both. We have to wake up! Then we can go on growing. Discovering newer and newer qualities in ourselves, that even Krsna doesn't know. Krsna is growing, He needs different thngs, so we decide to serve in different ways. It is a big question, like three year olds trying to understand play and work. In our current stage there are many chances for choices even now. We just try to see what Krsna needs. What Radha and the Gopis, Srila Prabhupada, help us to see that Krsna needs.
We are so happy you came to Buenos Aires soon, we miss you, and we are waiting for you.
Your aspirant servant
HpS - We are just one little devotee. We feel that you are our Guru is the happy light of Krsna and Srila Prabhpupada. We act as Diksa-guru in ISKCON as a service. We hope we can be of some use to you with advice and we advice that you take advantage of so many Siksa gurus besides us. Tell us about the good guidance that you find in other ISKCON devotees, other Vaisnavas, even in nature.
Have you read https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Interior_Castle ?