Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada.

It's quiet, on this morning of Srila Advaita Acharya's appearance day.  We just finished reading about his life from the book "Five Features of God" by Satyaraja prabhu.  Now, it is quiet and I am alone, contemplating my existence.  There is more physical pain in my body: muscular tightness all over my back and hips; my knees feel sore and the soles of my feet feel somewhat numb.  I am wondering if I don't have an early case of diabetes because of these things.  I am keeping these health concerns quiet from my wife, as I don't want her to weigh in on my maladies at this time.

In my mind I am reflecting how old my body is, how my life is now mostly behind me, and my regrets for having spoiled my life with so much sense gratification.  My persistence to maintain my sadhana has been a saving grace. and the Bhagavad gita gatherings have also been priceless.  I feel so much gratitude that I was able to practice Krishna consciousness in this life, in spite of being such a poor example of a devotee.  I feel pain in my heart because of such weak devotion, and that in turn causes both my wife and I so much anxiety.  Sometimes in my heart I feel tears, lamenting that I want to be a better devotee, but am too weak to be more serious.  Sometimes I feel the urge to improve and increase my determination, but maya very cleaverly puts some obstacle of temptation in front of me to discourage me.  

I decided to write these thoughts down before my chanting of Bhagavad gita this morning because of the gravity that fills my mind at present; knowing that if I wait until after my reading, that the mood won't be there, and I will wish I had trusted my gut feelings.  I think of you often, all the preaching that you are doing; feeling jealous because I want to do some nice service like you.  What am I to do, given all the sinful desires of my heart?  My only solace is my personal and private place of worship and sadhana.  

I need to go now; very busy day and I want to return to my Bhagavad gita before resuming my worldly affairs:Haribol.

Your lowly servant,

Balabhadra Dasa

HpS - AgtSP!    Paoho...   How can I do things better now. That seems to be the only standard, no?   How many devotees were initiated with me in the same letter, at the same Yajna?   Where are they now?

What about Sannyasa?