Hare Krsna  Gurudeva,

Please accept my respectful obeisances.

All the Glories to Srila Prabhupada!

I would like to apologize Gurudeva, I had the opportunity to write many times, however, when things changed a little I decided to wait to see how the things got clearer  and waiting and waiting I never wrote You Gurudeva, even when I really needed.

I have been feeling very weak mentally and emotionally and to be honest I am trying to follow my duties because I know some people I care, expect that from me. Also I know that If I keep trying to follow I ll get answers and my ignorance will get away sooner. I know that I have to continue following because I made that decition before and dubts about it are not allowed in my mind. I made promises and there are reactions if I follow and if I dont.. there will be also reacctions and not just for me, and that is what really scares me. I read once that a person gets depressed when his sadhana is not good and yes, I wake up early in the morning to chant my rounds.. and at 3, 4, or even 5am and at 7:30 (so so) we read Srimad Bhagavatam. I believe is not a perfect sadhana but is good, however, I have lost feelings and I realized  that I am unconsciously angry. So all of this makes that even when I am following in the morning, I am not there.. it makes my sadhana really bad. I am just trying to pronounce good when I chant. 

I have some questions, and sometimes I  get the answer, however, I want a deeper answer.. maybe just to satisfy my ego or something. So I got tired because I am questioning some things, I personally believe that relation ships based on love are the best and when I hear that love doesnt exist, I just dont listen. Now, here we know love is contaminated, but I think, sometimes.. by mercy, compassion or simply in our hearts we feel it.. Am I wrong Gurudeva?. On the other hand, when  relation ships are based on fear, and I feel fearful all the time, it just gets uncomfortable. So I have tried all this year to develop a relation ship with my japa, with Krsna Balarama, philosophy,  with Your instructions, Gayatri trying to have a conecction with the things and people around me to understand better and sometimes was good, sometimes not so much, but I was learning. Trying to find techniques and improving my concepts. So it could be noticed in my behaviour and words and for the first time trying not to be selfish. I could feel inspired by anything because there was always a deeper reason, and at the same time I knew Maya was also there giving some bad oportunities, thoughts and so on. So it has been a challenge.. very hard but I felt alive fighting. And now, because of this nuisance, pain and weak mind I lost some enthusiasm to continue looking.. thank Krsna not all.

Well Gurudeva, my intention was to write very little, it seems I couldnt. Please forgive me Gurudeva, besides everything..trying is my life so I wont give up. I know Krsna loves us and I can find happiness in His assosiation, devotees etc..

I am still painting! now I am in a workshop learning much more. Really hope everything I am and have will be useful in this movement someday. Also, I hope not to forget english! hope I have not made so many mistakes so as You can undestand easily. I know You will be traveling to the Holy Dham! in a couple of weeks I think. It makes me happy, really hope You have a very nice travel!. I will pray Gurudeva, May Lord Nrsimha Deva continue protecing You. 

Su aspirante a sirvienta,

Sita Lalita devi dasi.

HpS - AGTSP. We have written this letter three times and the robot keeps crashing. The only solution is to ask Radharani is She will share Her Krsna with us also. He is the only impetus for real life.

Keep on struggling. It is the actual situation. You are doing the right thing. It will build up and you will get free from gross problems and then, if you are lucky, Krsna will smile at you and carry you off with all of the other Brajavasis so you can get back to work. LEt your material family go. They also have to bee exclusive lovers of Krsna.