Dearest Esteemed Guru Maharaj,
Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
A few days ago it dawned on me that I was postponing my service to Krsna. I kept making promises to him that once I have a permanent assistant professorship job, I will start a preaching center or temple in whichever city or town I am in. But then I realized, that I cannot postpone it. My greatest fault is postponing the important tasks, paying useless attention to meaningless issues, mismanaging my priorities, and most importantly I lack time (and money) management. Time management, especially or particularly in my sadhana and money management in terms of not wasting money in material things and using money to serve Krsna. Instead of setting aside time for japa, kirtan, reading Prabhupada's books, engaging in the tasks which will liberate me, I focus on the temporary only. And the reason for this is my attachment to fulfillment of my desires. I am so attached egoistically to certain perceptions of me and others' perception of me, that I give all my mind's attention to only this, instead of internal development. Most of my time I complain to God...you have given that devotee this or you have given this karmi that much. Why have you not given it to me? It is hard for me to accept that the Lord has given me exactly what I need. Bitter medicine to the ears for me, but a truth I have to learn to accept. I compare myself to others and complain. This is where I waste my time. I was highly inspired by your words: "Life is like a Battle of Kuruksetra. May die at any moment, but that is not our concern. Our concern is to fight from our assigned position and accept what Krsna arranges." This has motivated me to give up my time wasting complaining, and to just serve the Lord with what I have, from the position I am in. However, it is easier said than done, especially for a lazy lethargic like me. Before I can start preaching, I need to cultivate internal spiritual depth. I need to get the association and blessings of the Vaisnavas. At least I can start from there. That is something my mind can easily accept. I can start from inviting Vaisnavas into my house and holding kirtan and bhajan sessions at my house. However, I don't want to procrastinate...I don't want to just leave it to the future. It must start now. Maybe a New Year's resolution. I contemplate on where my life is going, where I will live, what I will do, who I will be with. But wherever or whatever it may be, I know I want my Guru, my parents, and Vaisnavas to be a part of it. I want them to come to my house and stay so that I may wash their feet, serve them, and take their blessings. I want to have a temple in my house in the main living room where I would offer arati and puja every morning and evening before and after work. I know this is the life I want, no matter whom I marry, where I work, what my profession is, or where I live. Writing to your blog Guru Maharaj is like a personal journal to Krishna that opens your heart to guru and Krishna.
Your aspiring servant,
Aja Govinda Das
HpS - Yeah! Good idea! Of course, one of the best ways to cultivate the internal development is to act in KC externally. Chanting with the Jaw and Paws will change the heart.
Push inside and outside.
Is there anyone you can invite to your house for KC activities???!!! Of course, even Pantheistc ideas are the first step. Get a cow, keep it in your apartment and invite people to come and feed it straw!
Who are you associates there???