Hare krsna gurudev

All glories to Srila Prabhupada

Please accept my dandavat pranam at your lotus feet.

I am now in Sri Vrindavan dhama since one and half months. Initial days sadhana was ok but since few weeks its gone down the drain. I dont know I feel depressed all the time . Lonely at inside. Even though I am in Vrindavan I dont feel inspired to chant . Some days are good .I become sincere but most days I lack inspiration . I dont know I feel what I read in the sastra I will never be able to follow . I am lacking guidance . I feel like a orphan in Iskcon. I dont know how to put my internal situation in words. I am starting to feel impersonal in our dealings with devotees. Devotees sweet talk but inside is something else only. Kindly guide me please. 

My friends are suggesting that I should take siksha from gaudiya math ( from H.D.G.bhakti vigyan bharti Maharaj, 90 year old sanyasi disciple of Bhakti dayita madhava Maharaj ) Is  that a good idea at my current stage?

HpS - I don't know Maharaja and this is the first time you are explaining your situation, thank you, so I can't even begin to offer and opinion about Maharaja, but in you other letter youi mention Mukunda Das and how nice his association is for you now.

They are saying that by hearing him once I will get all the inspiration needed to chant my rounds .

Bhaktisastri is going ok. We completed isopanisad and nectar of instruction . Bhagavat Gita is going on but I am not able to cope up so won't give the exam for the first few chapters but will only listen.

Gurudev please kindly guide me . I cannot continue on my own strength. I feel drained emotiinally. Chanting is very bad some days next to zero. Please help me . I dont understand anymore what my life is going to be . it has no direction. I am no where ...I want to serve Radha krsna here in Vrindavan . I have only 2 months left I want to improve before that. I dont want to leave Vrindavan like this . I want to improve. But no inspiration. Help me please .

Sorry that always write to you depressing things. I am disgusted with myself. Kindly guide me . I really feel like a orphan in Iskcon.

Thank you gurudev( I understand that I am outside the connection as I am not able to follow but  still remembering u as my father helps me somehow please still allow Me to call you gurudev..I will come back to track)

Hare krsna

Rituraj krsna das 

Vrindavan , india 

HpS - Whatever happens in Braja is especially under the internal potency, so I would say that whatever you are going though is very, very central to your spiritual development. Many liftimes can be processed very quickly in Braja.  Usually if we are not mean and are following the four principles then we can make it through the lessons of Braja.  The lesson may be, "Don't spend so much time here. You are not ready for that yet. Just visit and then go back out and relate to your Samsara Vasanas and purify them."

I cannot say much more than organize your whole day around getting your rounds done. It may be in the most superficial way but there should be a very, very practical result that you can see by doing this. It may be revolutionary so don't be surprised that by chanting you get an indication for a big change in your life.

Yes, please take Mukunda Das as Siksa Guru, please worship your own Dieties, with lots of love and good food and good clothes and good parties and ...        ... and write to us about the realizations you get from the Yuga Dharma, Hari-nama Sankirtan.