Dear Gurumaharaja,
Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada and yourself.
On this day let me take the opportunity to write you. After several little cycles in time have passed, and different transcendental themes on which i’ve pondered have gone by, i write this letter. At the end of every one of these little cycles i meditated on writing you, but every time these letters were unfinished. Usually because topics are hard to write down, and also asking for clearance about doubts and questions seemed useless because of the limits of writing. The main topic that has left me with questions is about my origin as a spirit soul, and basically about whether i have actually ever been with Krishna. Life and and the soul are certainly very wonderful.
Not a day goes by that i don’t think about you and our relationship, but these days i’m usually lamenting about my fallen situation. The sentence of that i’m fallen is quite hackneyed, but for me i think it fits the bill this time. For a respectful person it is better to die than to transgress his word, according to Maharaja Yudhistira. Why bother telling you again and again about my weakness of heart? Is it better to just quietly slip away or to let you know that i’m thinking about you oftenly, and how much i love our ISKCON, and that i cannot leave you because the shame in that is even greater than the one i’m feeling in this current state. Weakness of heart is the result of sinful attitude and offenses, so i was told. My efforts seem like those of an ant who helps building a bridge to Lanka, and perhaps our Lord will be pleased with me one day. I hope you will too, Gurudeva. You have shown mercy upon me by accepting me, while probably knowing the risks of that, but still you gave me your hand, to which i somehow did not hold on to. I’m still swimming in the current, waiting for the tide to turn that brings me back to the boat i wish to climb back in to. Yasya prasadan na gatih kutoh pi.
So much for the sad part. I know my devotional activities are not much and mainly self oriented, but i wish to tell you that i’ve finished Srila Prabhupada’s Lilamrita and am now reading the Mahabharata, with great transcendental pleasure. I feel myself very fortunate to read these histories and stories about Lord Krishna in Dwaraka and Arjuna and Dharmaraja. We also have some festivals to visit this summer, and a short retreat in Radhadesh coming up. While driving to work i listen to Amala Bhaktas Maharajas narration of Srimad Bhagavatam.
How are you yourself, Gurudeva? I pray that you are well and able to fulfill all ideas that you have for Srila Prabhupada’s service, not bothered by physical discomfort. All that is happening in South America under your direction is certainly wonderful. also, can you explain why the wonderful Druva Maharaja was able to go back to Godhead even though he unnecessarily killed so many yaksa’s? It is mentioned that he was on the spiritual platform but at the same time acted out of bodily identification for his assasined brother. How is that possible? Kuvera said those who were killed were not killed by Dhruva but by the time factor. This is difficult to grasp.
May this letter and inquiry not be a stereotypical disciple--spiritual master letter with a philosophical question in the end, though it may look like one. I dream of actually being able to maintain a simple life where i can sit down with sadhus and ask and discuss relevant questions. Until then i still wish to remain,
Your insignificant servant,
Raghava Pandita dasa.
HpS - Hare Krsna. The first focus is the service: 16-good rounds. If you can't do that, then fix some amount that you know you can do for a certain time and do it, even though your mind is crazy. Then reevaluate the result and take another vow. A soon as we are fixed in this service we will be able to answer other questions very easily.,
