December 13, 2014
Dear Maharaja Hanumat Presaka Swami,
Please accept my humble obeisances, All Glories to Srila Prabhupada!
Time again for reflection and evaluation as another year is gone and by your mercy another Sadhana report is requested. This event always surprises me for I really don’t surmise a 365 day culmination in my practice; it is more of a day by day survival application for me. Regardless the actual composition is refreshing and retrospective for what have I accomplished since last report? Is there progress, new revelations, advancement, regression or just mediocre existence? These are moments to ponder further and in my case probably indulge too.
Reviewing last year’s Sadhana-updates I’m slightly overwhelmed, it appears I actually was somewhat astute and poetic in my efforts, at the moment I’m sludging to even be sincere. This might be more of a contrite summarization.
Going in reverse, let’s see if there were some new lessons to revive this fallen fool. At the juncture of 2013 to 2014 times were at their usual momentum, japa, grhastra practice, coasting maintenance and minimal sense gratification. Then proceeding into the 1st quarter of the year you kindly intervened with an offer of service for the Hare Krsna Dham in Houston. This propelled a needed perspective to our thick-skinned comfort zone, always nice to get a reality check… with interest.
Packing last winter and moving in spring revealed just how much accumulation takes over. Sorting boxes of nonsense, semi-nonsense and needed nonsense took a toll on the “desire-consciousness” bringing clarity of attachments little closer. What do we really need? Concluding it is what may be used in devotional service; leave the rest behind…though am still sorting through the last of the remnants.
Journeying East to the Dham during Kartik we visited various Temples and found good association, big and small. Was actually a more Soulful visit as I was alone except for Vaisnava association during the days. Met Prabhupada disciples, 3rd generation devotee’s, beggars and Bulls. All had a lesson for me; “Serve nicely and if you’re not, get out of the way”, to summarize. Concluding with this realization I am now comfortable in both situations, active or inactive... except with japa.
Nothing gets to me such as japa. Have gotten over being angry with japa, still frustrated at times when rounds go slow though am accepting that my mind has a difficult time with such concentrated internal focus when all it wants is external engagement. Full conscious effort of 16 rounds has not been fully absorbed because of immaturity, but after 20 years you’d think I’d have it dialed in. Will keep on it knowing one day there will be a breakthrough for this stubborn brain.
I’ve been keeping in Seva as it is offered, though now some discretion is being exercised, getting where not all service has to be done by “moi’, if it is mine it will track me down and stare me in the face. Believe that our dear Lord will not let us go so easily if it is our dharma, which I’m very grateful… it is getting to convenient to be lazy in an older body. This “Seva-holic” is slowin’ down some (until the next job).
On the regular programs am happy to report Mangals is still number one with 90% at the Temple, otherwise a mini-bhajan wherever I may be. Guru-Astaka is a favorite, though sometimes I bow out after this song if japa is behind. Have been writing the sloka’s on our class board appreciating the sastric exposure and if I can’t make it physically, take advantage of the net. Plus still handing out the BBT books when possible and even with these activities I still try to listen to Srila Prabupada’s lectures when possible for there is nothing better than the Master.
Ok, enough about me… even though this correspondence is about “me”, it really isn’t. It’s about relationships, the relationship between our fragile existence, the Supreme, the devotee’s and of course your good self, all culminating in “Sadhana” in my humble opinion. Am secure in that I will always seek good association, but very insecure that I won’t fully surrender when it is necessary. Something else I need to meditate on, while I indulge with the self –imposed illusion of perfecting Bhakti-yoga. Fortunately, the Lord is so kind as to easily smash my indolence… even at my ego’s expense, great for a laugh though am not sure who’s laughing the most.
Enough of such shallow revelations just would like to conclude that the real depth of strong sadhana is time-tested and the best that one can do is keep the 4 principles and 16 + rounds going… bearing in mind that this process may be improved too.
Motto being: “Maintain and you will gain”.
Thank you for your valuable time Maharaja and all glories to your service!
Your humble servant in training,
ccd
(caitanya caritamrta das anu das.)
HpS - Thank you. Even if God was a big rock, I think He would be impressed by your determination.
