HpS - ASA -  Jaya!  Now things are so much more clear in our stupid brain. So, if you want to get re-initiated we could take that service. Some devotees want it some don't.  We don't feel it is so necessary if the Diksa guru was properly representing Srila Prabhupada at the time of initiation.     Beyond the super important instruction of following our ISKCON vows and keeping full morning and evening program, we would certainly hope that you can send us news of your situation, Yatra, your Sankirtan with devotees and out in the public!  Thank you very, very much.
For Europe, it is getting fixed. We will be in Radha-desa from February 6-16th, then from April 30th to May 27th

Dear Hanumatpresaka Swami,
Please accept my respectful obeisances,
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!

Sorry for the late answer, this is my 10th attempt to compose a letter. I wanted to write positive things but i couldn't word few things positively :(

Thanks for your kind answer and the opportunity for initiation but i'm not a good candidate.
I have written You previously i'm just a fallen and in the past i gave up my japa for a while but due to the huge ammount of letters what You get daily maybe You don't remember it.

My short story: My spiritual master preached in Scotland and i was there also for 1,5 years. It was years ago. We served a lot there and usually slept less than 6 hours daily. There was serious psychoterror there. I was sick at that time so i couldn't tolerate less sleep and after 1,5 years i had just one meditation: sleeping. I chanted extremely bad rounds and i was weak both spiritually and bodily. I said to my GM i would like to come home but He didn't allow me, You know i hadn't ID (i wrote You previously few details about it) but i decided autonomous and came back to Hungary. I needed to rest but i continued chanting. The devotees pushed me here to move back to the ashram but i was like half dead. Few weeks later i wanted to clear up my situation with my GM i wrote him but He didn't reply me approx 15 times. I wrote to the GBC but He said i don't follow my GM therefore He can't help me.

    HpS - ASA -   AGTSP   pamho... Wow!  Sounds like something out of a Stephen King novel or something.  At this point you deserve to do whatever you want to do (within a little reason. :o))  and think that Krsna is completely happy with you.

At that time the devotees started to spread that i'm a fallen demon and not so good to associate me. I wanted to do sankirtana but it wasn't allow me also. Due to my bad japa i failed this test and became weaker day by day and i felt this is the end of my spiritual life. Everybody rejected me. I prayed to Lord Nrsmhadeva everyday but gave up chanting for a while.

I saw to be karmi also not so easy. Krsna showed me this world is very dangerous and without chanting we can become crazy.  So i started to chant again and i decided i don't mind what others think.  I was convinced i do everything for myself i have to get square with Krsna and no one else so i didn't deal with what others talked about me.
In the meantime i started to associate my husband an we got married and my spiritual master left the movement but this is a very long story...

This period of my life was very heavy but I learnt from this case so many things.
1. Without good japa we cant make progress
Nowadays i want to cry when i chant inattentively and i feel this is just waste of time and energy!
2. It's my road and mine alone. Others may walk it with me but no one can walk it for me! I found this sentence in the internet but it mirrors my realization.
3. Spiritual master is very important but we need an uttama adhikari. I'm on kanistha level and i can't see others level but have to cry and pray to Srila Prabhupada and Krisna and if i cry sincerely Krisna will send me a Guru who helps me to reach Krsna prema.
I cried a lot in Mayapur and finally met You. And without your help i would be crazy already.
So thats my story, Maharaja. I pray to Krsna everyday for being able to attach to my sadhana but You can see i'm just a fallen. You wrote me so many times it's not necessary to get reinitiation and now i don' t know what i want. Sometimes i want to get initiation sometimes not. I'm sure i still need time. I have to understand things deeply.

About my yatra:
In one word the situation is chaos. There are big fight for the positions and money, so much politics but there are no harinama, no university preaching, no intensive book distribution just money collecting because the church has financial problems at the moment.

My situation: Nowadays i don't have too much time but i distribute books once a week, just 2-3 hours. I can give 4-5 big and mahabooks for the people. My plan is to distribute minimum 7 books (altogether one per day). I know it's not too much and i hope i can offer more service in the future.
If i meet interesting people i preach them in person or by e-mail so i keep in touch with them.

My sankirtana inside of the community: I 'm in the background i don't like to be in the center and there are lot of directors here they can help to the devotees.
I just set an example to the matajis and try to serve everybody. There are matajis in the ashram who usually get up at 7 am. The prevoius mataji leader taught to them they have to take rest enough. That's why if they attend Mangala arti after 2 yawns they go back to the sleepingbag. I just tell them stories about the spiritual power what they will get if stay in the temple room and chant their rounds early. They are grateful for the stories and if they have problem with sankirtana i try to help them also and give them useful guidance what i also got from somebody else in my past.

These are not so big things but until this management supervises the yatra we can't do big things. Due to this situtation there are devotees who want to open a new center in the city and the old devotees lost their faith in the process. Painful to see it but the solution is the Holy Name and Krsna katha. I'm sure we get what we deserve and all of us have to learn from this situation.
I just pray to Krsna for giving to the yatra what is the best for the devotees progress.
I feel myself badly when i write negative news to You because Your attitude is always so kind and positive.
This blog is very useful. Thanks for the answers, guidance and advices what You write to me and others because i can learn from it so much.

I hope we can meet in person next year. My plan is to go to Radhadesh in February and to Spain in May. I hope i will have enough money.
Thank you very much for your association, dear Maharaja and sorry for the complain and the long letter.

Your insignificant servant, Sri Radhe devi dasi

              HpS - ASA - Jaya!   AGTSP....  Please continue just as you are doing.  You seem to be a Saint amongst people.   If we belong to a healthy spiritual institution and have a nice Madhyama adhikari Guru who is helping us relate to the Uttama adhikari Acharya we go on. But if the institution is in chaos and the Madhyama adhikari guru falls down, there is just no choice, we still have to go on.  That's a quote from Srila Prabhupada's Godbrothre Sridhara Swami, but seems 100% Srila Prabhupada also.  Also his life.  We lived through such stuff in Berkeley Temple also.  Ooof.  We learned: If you chant 16 nice rounds a day and follow the four principles strictly and keep a full morning and evening program ans see that everyone under your authoroity does the same thing you will have NO PROBLEMS.   That is a quote from Srila Prabhupada to Nava yogendra Swami that we heard from NYS and we took it to heart like 20 years ago and it is a fact!
Srila Prabhupada is building heros and heroines who can live through

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