Hare Krishna,

Please accept my most humble obeisances. All glories to Srila Prabhupada.

I am once again hitting a really bad spot in my devotional career. I never seem to be able to keep myself on a good platform. Gurudev, I am sincerely wondering if I am cut out for this kind of life. I just don't know. I can't control myself at all it seems. I have become so lazy and just... self loathing I guess. Really going into ignorance. I am only making morning program once, or twice a week if I am lucky anymore. The only good thing I can say for myself at all at this point is doing book distribution once a week. Last week I had my first major success, sold three books to the same fellow, and then that same guy came to the evening program at the temple! I spend too much time arround this other devotee here who doesn't have almost any standard as far as going to bed/getting up early. I am still chanting, but with that, not ever getting my rounds done early in the day. On a practical level, I should be kicked out of this temple. And lately I even think of leaving. The only thing that is keeping me here at this point is the fact that I have told you and Caru I would commit for at least one year before reconsidering my position. And even that is wearing thin. I just seem to have no self control, and I don't seem to have enough.. intelligence? to fix it. I'm not sure. I even again broke one of the regs. I feel like I am  hitting a very desperate low point. How do I know that even if I fix myself up and Caru thinks I would be fit for initiation, I wouldn't fall down again? I don't want to be like that. I have seen so many first and second initiated devotees fall COMPLETELY into maya again. I don't want to do like that. So, if I am honest with myself I would say that I am in no way fit for initiation. Pretty much, after I took your association in Seattle and went to Hawaii, I have been on more and more struggle falling more and more downward. I just don't know what to do anymore. 

Bhakta Adrian

HpS - ASA -   AgtSP!           Well . . . .             you're are not going to heaven or hell by your own effort, for the most part.           Krsna has decided to put you exact,   xact,     xactly where you are.

                                                             Boooom!

You are living like a exalted pig or a miniscule saint because He has decided that.   Yes, He had taken you effort in to consideration, but He is doing what He thinks is best for you.

You may become a Mormon, a professional gambler with certain moral principles about sharing your winnings with poor people.  Who knows.  Me too.           Cut our for a certain kind of life.              Yet the SB is full of people cut out and recut for all kinds of lives.

                       Ha!         Ha!         Ha!                 You have free will!          You can do with it what you want.                  .End of Story.                 But you also get all the credit for doing something really, really, clever and wonderful if you do it.

Small, but God like.

(Yes, and in the end Srimati Radharani is compassionate that even if we act like compete embeciles She will find some way to get us out this mess (but without our effort that could take several lifetimes of Brahma!!!)))

        Hallelujah!             Alla Akbar!                   Jaya Sriman Narayana!

Make a simple program and keep. Figure out who you really are now and what you want to do with your life NOW.

O.K.  We wait to hear the next day's installment of the Adventures of Falcon of Utah!!!!!