Dear Siksha Guru Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your good self for your many years of devotional service to Prabhupada and Krishna; all glories to all the devotees of Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. I am always thinking of you, especially when I begin my japa period. Those mangala hours are the most precious to me, as I am in my most sober state of mind. It is during those hours that I feel the greatest impulse and strength to write to you, but it conflicts with my needs and interests to chant my rounds. The rest of the day is way too hectic and disturbing to express what my true feelings and thoughts are, so here I am again, trying to share some things when I should be chanting.
My wife has been once again diagnosed with cancer, and this time the disease is more invasive than it was a couple of years ago. We are awaiting to hear the doctor recommendations on how to go forward with treatment plans. We always talk about moving, but we are still here, and it puzzles us both to wonder why. If and when we do move, my only concern is knowing that my wife will have a support system in place: meaning more than just myself. I am constantly reminded of the pastime of how when Srila Prabhupada was lying on his death bead, he told his young disciples (who were in their teens and twenties) "don't think this won't happen to you." Death is no secret; it is all around us; it is in the news, the entertainment industry, the hospitals and nursing homes, the morgues and mortuaries: and lastly the grave yards. And still we are living each day as if things will be normal as usual.
I worship my Deities every morning and evening, as usual. During my morning worship I reflect on how in Denver I was often alone during the Sayana Arotika, and I felt like I had Krishna to myself. Krishna would then rob me of such moments, by having some other devotees come in for a quick last minute darshana. It saddens me to think that those days seem so very far away, as if in another world, or another lifetime. Why didn't I take my pujari service more seriously? Why did I give it up, only to wish that I hadn't? My sadhana continues as normal. It is only by your kindness and the mercy of Krishna that my daily devotional service is still happening. My wife struggles so much more with her own sadhana. At times I worry so much about her, but she is a fighter, refusing to quit no matter what. She has been a blessing for me in my own life as a devotee. I don't tell her enough, but she amazes me with her determination to keep trying, in spite of all her own emotional and physical challenges. It saddens me to see her struggling so hard.
Driving for Uber has its interesting moments for preaching as well. The other day I picked up one passenger from a slaughterhouse situated some 15 miles outside of Boise. I asked him "why do you work in such a place?" His only response was how he needed the money. So I preached to him, slightly flattering him with how he is a better person than this, as I could see that he was polite and receptive. I gave him the pamphlet "On Chanting Hare Krishna," as well as the book "Laws Of Nature." I preached to him about how there is so much violence and wars, because of such violence to animals in our own hearts and homes. He listened quietly and respectfully. On another occasion there was an Asian lady who was familiar with Mahabharata and Ramayana, as she said that she used to read such things to her students in her own country. In our conversation the name Bhagavad gita came up, and she was familiar with it. I told how the the title "BHAGAVAD GITA" literally means "SONG OF GOD." She was so excited to hear that, and she gladly accepted a copy for herself. I gave her some tips on how to read through the book so that it would be easier for her to follow. I felt it necessary as reading our version of Bhagavad gita could prove to be quite the challenge for people, because of all the academics that went into the publication.
Many other little tidbits of nectar could be shared, but mostly I just wanted to reach out and express my gratitude for your own caring about the devotees like myself. All too often it can feel like we are all alone; and in one sense I guess we are. I am reminded of how Srila Prabhupada once said "I never felt alone. I always felt the presence of my spiritual master." It is my understanding that Krishna accompanies the conditioned souls just so as we are not completely lost and forgotten. That is incredible to think about. How I wish I could have such moments of feeling the constant association of guru and Krishna. But I am so unfortunate that I cannot even surrender. I can only grieve out of self pity for my lamentable state of mind. I will need to close here, before I become more offensive with such pretense of devotion. Your kindness and mercy are my only hope. I hear you will be in Boise for Ratha Yatra. I will be in attendance for your classes: Hare Krishna.
Your lowly servant,
Balabhadra Dasa
HpS - ASA - - So, agtSP, much news!
Have to post here more often
Frankly, you seem to me to be doing just fine.
You seem to be in exactly the position where Krsna wants you.
Learning the lessons He wants you to learn, ether for this lifetime or the next.
5.17pm.
Quick bath.
Supper if squash.
Three more rounds Gaura arati etc.