Dear Siksha Gurudeva, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada; All glories to your good self for your many years of selfless devotion to Prabhupada and Krishna; all glories to all the devotees of Lord Chaitanya. As usual, it is hard for me to find the ideal time and space to write to you. My best moments come during the early morning, when I'm trying to chant my japa. My days are too disturbing and hectic to find the external and internal space to share things.

HpS - Jaya Jaya Prabhupada!

Nice to read from you.

Yes, I also find that I have limited potency to deal with this kind of topic!!! Yet, time, Hare Krsna, does seem to become available, especially as we get a good basis with Japa etc. in the morning.

I feel a closeness to Krishna, knowing that He knows my pains and sorrows; He knows the loneliness that I feel, wanting and needing association of devotees: and feeling all too often that I don't have it. There is comfort in knowing that Krishna knows how I am too envious to make the best use of the association available to me. And yet He still allows me to continue in my devotional service, rather than chase me away only to live in dread. I don't know how to put into words what I am feeling even as I write this letter. But there is some comfort in reaching out to you in this letter, knowing that you are there. I wish I could be there with you. I think of you often, especially recalling your instructions to "chant nice rounds:" an achievement that constantly evades my efforts.

My rounds are done this morning. I try my best to stay attentive to my japa, but my mind is always defiant. What can I expect after countless lifetimes of material conditioning. Still, I am so appreciative of your words to "chanting nice rounds." Mantra meditation sounds cool, fantastic and amazing to the untrained mind. But putting it into practice is a whole other story.

HpS/ASA - What to speak of staring at a candle or the tip of your nose!

I confess that I am embarrassed by my failure to chant nicely. And yet, I have neither the heart nor the gall to quit chanting, as my whole life has been all about chanting the holy names and nothing more.

Sriman Agnideva prabhu came to Boise last month, staying as a guest in my home for the weekend. What a relief it was to have such honorable association. We had a nice home program with a few select devotees that still find favor with me. We also had a nice program at the yoga studio that you spoke at. It was an awesome event, with Mother Krishna Presthaya leading the guided meditation. She was amazing! I watched the audience respond to her as she led them into the mood of chanting OM and Hare Krishna. Agnideva's vocal talent hasn't diminished in the least, in spite of the years gone by. On Sunday he led a nice kirtan gave a lecture at the temple, which I did not attend. I heard through the 'grapevine' that within the administration there was some discontent that he was staying with me, and not at the temple.

My wife and I each have a couple of upcoming surgeries. Now, in my senior years as a devotee, I am learning to live with infamy, learning to be brave in the face of old age, and still having to work for my daily existence. The challenge to keep up the standard and practice devotional service that I have been loyal to all my years has increased. My caliber of determination and faith in Krishna consciousness is really being tested. My only hope is that Krishna will consider that I have tried to surrender my life as His devotee. If you can find favor with me, and bless me with your own causeless mercy, then there's every hope that Krishna will also be merciful to me at my hour of death.

Your lowly servant,

Balabhadra Dasa

HpS - Go see Radha Bankibihari some times. Join some of the programs. Try to resolve any conflicts with local devotees. Badri narayana Swami has certainly expressed that there are problems in the Temple administration. I heard from Srila Prabhupada that there are problems in all of his Temples, that this is the material world.

So, we show that we are disciples of Srila Prabhupada by always working to resolve conflicts within the perspective of NoI, no?

Yet, home programs and programs in appropriate outside places with the above mentioned invitation to ISKCON Temple community are certainly apart of ISKCON.

Hari Bolo!!!!!!!!

Where is Agnideva Das based?

Please send some photos of your altar.

Happy surgery! Preach to the doctors by your words and comportment.