Hare Krishna, Dear Siksha Guru Maharaja,

please kindly accept my most humble obeisances;

all glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada;

all glories to your good self, for your selfless devotion to Srila Prabhupada;

hps - we have selfish desires.

all glories to all the devotees of Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.

!

There is so much I would like to share; so many realizations that have come into my mind which I haven't always been able to write down, as they come to me particularly during my japa period. Sometimes I reflect on my life: the names of the places and faces I once knew so long ago. What was the meaning of it all? What have I done with my life that was so meaningful? What will be my fate? My life is lived, and now all that remains is preparing myself for the next and final chapter of my life. Thoughts like these constantly come and go in my mind, instead of my attentively crying out to Krishna to mercifully engage me in His devotional service: such nonsense japa I have.

I have been reading "VASIHNAVA KE?" by Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati. It is very powerful poetry, which I confess scares the hell out me, because it forces me to look very deeply into my own character and behavior. My false ego really takes a beating by reading this book. My mind tries to defend itself with excuses of why I choose to distance myself from the local community of devotees. I want to be honest with myself, and yet this book only seems to show me where I am failing. I just want to be peaceful in my daily practice of devotional service.

asa = mukti?

I needed to share these things, and there is no one close enough for me to share them with.

In the interest of brevity I am obliged to end here. Please kindly forgive me for disturbing you with my foolishness. I wish I could be a better example of a Vaishnava. I want with all my heart to be a better example, but there is so much sinful karma in my life that obstructs me from being exemplary. The last verse of the Sri Isopanishad tells the story of my plight in struggling to be a sincere devotee.

My japa is steady, and it is my greatest saving grace through all of my challenges and calamities. My reading is helpful in spite of my failing brain. My wife is incredibly supportive, in spite of my failures. No books are going out at present until I can resume with my other worldly affairs. And with this much having been said, I will close here, hoping for your special kindness and causeless mercy. If I am at all fortunate, I may yet come to a place where I can surrender in a way that is proper and fitting.

Your lowly, servant,

Balabhadra dasa

HpS - how, hare krsna, is your surgery recovering??