Hare Krishna Gurudeva!
HpS/ASA - Please send us a sumarry of this letter in one paragraph.
Thank you.
Please accept my respectful obeisances.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
I hope you are well and in good health. I have seen photos and videos and some live broadcasts that some of your disciples do through the Facebook ASA Carnaval; it's very exciting and inspiring to be able to see you and hear you from Radha Kunda, Vrindavan Dham! All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
I'm writing to share my vision with you. I'm currently experiencing complex and contradictory feelings. Since I met you and since I began to relate with you and Srila Prabhupada, my life has changed radically. My mind still a mess and I have a hard time getting my life in order, but I know what I have to do. I finally know the purpose of my existence: to preach Srila Prabhupada's message in some way or another. In my heart and mind, you and my daughter are the most important people in my life in this world, and this is why I have been struggling these last few years to be able to get initiated with you, because I want to establish and formalize our bond, and also because I believe that this way I can please you better. I have known the devotees for more than 20 years. I have devotee friends and also "ex devotees". One of my sisters married a devotee, and now my other two sisters are married to devotees, and today my entire family practices Krishna consciousness at some level.
Since I met you, 10 years ago, I was so impressed that I decided to try to follow you and dedicate myself to serving Srila Prabhupada’s movement, because it's the purest thing that exists in this world. And I have been actively supporting Iskcon Chile for almost 10 years. I have continued even though my family disassociated themselves from Iskcon Chile due to the corruption and human mismanagement that there was at that time in the administration, but also because of the corruption that they say they know about in Iskcon worldwide (you know they were very active natural leaders in Iskcon Chile during several years, anyway they are in Krishna West right now; they still are your wellwishers and deeply respect you and adore your picture in their altar at home). I have continued in Iskcon Chile even though my family turned against me. I continue in Iskcon Chile even though I have had many problems with members of the congregation. And I continue in Iskcon Chile because it's Srila Prabhupada’s movement and because of your permanence and your presence, to be close to you.
I have fought hard for the last 2 years to be able to get initiated (although I've actually been fighting for this for a long time), because I have believed that this ritual or ceremony will please Krishna, Srila Prabhupada and Gurudeva. And I had a "fall" in the fulfillment of the regulative principles, but I'm calm because it has not been anything serious and all this is part of my own process, of my inner path, making mistakes is okay and correcting and improving is much better. Today I'm at an inner crossroads because I think that initiation is really no guarantee of anything: I have seen and known many times how initiated devotees, even with second initiation, break the principles, intoxication and illicit sex, and if they are discovered for some reason they are only sanctioned for a time, some of them have had to do the puja because there really are no more people available in our congregation for that very special service (in our congregation there are many devotees with second initiation but they don't participate, in fact most of the sennior and not so old devotees don't come to the temple).
Some don't come to the temple or don't participate actively for something "political", because they don't like our current temple president, who nevertheless makes a great effort to maintain the institution in a moment of many accumulated adversities; For example, I think that the important thing is to help as much as possible at the level that one can even if the people in charge are not to my liking (it's different when there is abuse or corruption, this is intolerable).
I have friends who were once tremendous and super active devotees who today say they are no longer Hare Krishna, they are very nice person and very kind, some with second initiation, some were your disciples, who no longer chant rounds, some at least continue to offer bhoga and taking prasadam, but some have even gone back to eating eggs or meat and drinking alcohol. Currently there are devotees in the congregation (maybe happens all over the world) with first and second initiation who don't comply with the principles and some do services in the temple, which I think is great because keeping to offer up with the service helps them a lot. Some sennior devotees and godbrothers don't chant the 16 rounds, they chant the rounds they can and somedays they cannot. I don't care about what they do or what they don't, simply follow my own path but this is where my deep concern arises and from my desire to want to be initiated with you and do things right and doing the rights things; what is the real use of initiation? Because it's no guarantee of staying in the process, it's no guarantee that one will advance, it's no guarantee that one will remain well situated throughout one's life, it's no guarantee that one will fulfill the objective and the requirements adequately, it's no guarantee that this will make the initiate a better human being; can one truly advance on the spiritual path of self-knowledge even if one doesn't receive diksha from a genuine Guru?
So I was about to of being able to get initiated, but now I can't, I have to wait a few more months to complete the minimum time required to be well established, and it happens to me that I have stopped believing in the initiation ritual as something fundamental, because I have realized that no rite or ceremony will be able to end the corruption and lustful desires that may exist in our minds, in fact I have realized that it's very common to have the desire to want to take heaven by storm, to look for a "shortcut", but that is not my path, I want to go as far as God allows me on my own path which is honest and in which I'm going at a slow pace. You always give the example that initiation is just a formality, just like someone who attends medicine classes as a listener but without enrolling and even if he knows a lot will not be able to practice because he will not have the title, but there are titled doctors who are deceitful and corrupt, so the title is not a guarantee that we will be professionals with a high sense of ethics and good at our work. I think the most important thing to start the spiritual path with is to place oneself in the mode of goodness and I think that initiation doesn't guarantee that we will automatically or at some point be placed in the mode of goodness, nor that the initiated person will become a pure devotee (one can think that at least one is already on the right track); I will not and don't wanna be a corrupt human being, I don't wanna try to cheat Krishna, it's impossible, He knows everything, He is the witness of everything, and I know from experience that I can talk to others about Srila Prabhupada's message, even though I'm not an initiate, even knowing that I'm a fallen one. Is it possible for non-initiated people to be established in the mode of goodness? Can a human being be pure even if he is not initiated? Can a person understand God without being initiated?
I think the only guarantee is trying and trying to follow Srila Prabhupada with sincerity and at an honest pace, even if initiation is not achieved. Obviously, this is my speculation.
I will continue doing my garland service for Iskcon Chile until God allows me to. I will continue trying to chant the 16 rounds and following the principles. I will continue trying to spread Srila Prabhupada's message and following your footsteps. I will continue making my music and developing my preaching style, and I will continue with my sankirtan and distributing Srila Prabhupada's books. This will be my path now and I will not think about initiation. I will always be eternally grateful for all the moments shared with you, for your teachings and instructions, for the direct and indirect services that you have allowed me to perform for you, for your disciples and associates. You will always be for me the most extraordinary, intelligent, pure and humble man I have ever known. I will always adore you as the father I always wanted to have. I will always adore the images of you and that photo that you once sent me to Chile. I will pass many time be listening to your classes on YouTube and Facebook, and reading your letters, and trying to support Nios Chile. You will always be with me because your voice and your teachings are a fundamental part of my inner world and I ask God please stay with me and don't let me go out from the process, to always keep me in Krishna consciousness.
I want to clarify that the purpose of this letter is not to highlight the defects and "falls" of the devotees. Perhaps this it can be read as a "revenge" on my part. The truth is that I just want to share with you my feeling and vision regarding my own process and in reference to the congregation where I currently participate, because, sincerely, Gurudeva, in some way it affects to me and hurts; I know, and I hope, that most of the devotees are trying very hard to maintain themselves and, in the best of cases, to advance.
In our private conversation a few days ago, I told you that I think I do deserve initiation even though I have the difficulties that you know about, but after talking with you and meditating on the matter, I have realized that I don't really deserve initiation, so I ask to you Gurudeva please forgive me for having insisted to you. And I'm publishing my ideas and feelings here on the blog because that was your instruction.
Thank you very much for everything, Gurudeva. Please forgive me for all my offenses and my mistakes. Everything is very difficult here in this place and in this era and with this complex mind that I have. You are always with me in my heart and in my prayers. I owe you a lot and I also have an eternal debt to Srila Prabhupada. Thank you very much because I already know what my path is for the rest of my life in this body.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada!
All glories to H.H. Hanumatpresaka Swami!
PAMHO
Hare Krishna!
Your aspirant servant, from the last place of this material world,
Carlos
