Dear Gurudeva, begging for your forgiveness, please accept my humble obeisances.

All glories to Srila Prabhupada!!!

I hope you are well as always, your body (sacred to me) is just the vehicle for your pastime in this world... Before I was very worried about your physical health (spiritually you were always the healthiest) but now I know that Krsna protects you very intimately...

Please forgive me for writing you so much, I have been putting off this report for a long time... It is also an offering to Srila Prabhupada in his Vyasapuja.

I am not good at telling you what I do, in general terms, traveling, trying to support Iskcon as you asked me, as much as I can, a little pujari, education, kirtan and a little preaching... Krsna is in the heart and he knows how much I have tried. I would love for you to know the details... But it's hard for me to tell you, please forgive me...

On the other hand, my fatal astrological phase "Rahu" is passing (I have one year left), and even though I did not follow the precautions, because I felt inflated, proud and sure... And you see, it has not gone well for me... But it is passing, now it only affects me physically, mentally I think I am overcoming the problems... Sorry to speak to you in astrological terms, I just want to explain myself and tell you a little about myself, and how I feel internally.

Now I am in my country, I returned to see Karuna, because she could not go to India... I chose to come to Peru to see her, otherwise we would have to wait another year for that... She is fine, she also follows her vows and sings her rounds... It was only a vacation of almost two months and then she returned to the Bahamas... She wants to work, and I have respected her wish. I think that since she didn't do it before to take care of our children, now she wants to experiment and although I don't agree, I have respected her decision, and I try to support her as much as I can... 

Sita is fine, also doing her thing, now with Sergio, her husband also in the Bahamas. They are good kids, I'm sure they will soon be better spiritually, just like Arjuna, he lives in Peru with his wife... Struggling materially, but they're not doing badly and spiritually a little cold but with a very good conscience... I was with him for two months, he's a very good son just like Sita, each one in his own way. Forgive me for telling you about them just now, when you had asked me a long time ago... 

Maybe I was hoping to be in a better stage. Now it's not the best, but I'm fine, not so much materially because I continue to live a missionary life and depend on Krsna, as you told me a few years ago. Anyway, it's not easy... I still want to go back to my school and work like before or start a business. But for now they are just strong motivations that come and go. It's been four years and Krsna is taking care of it...

I'm taking some time to check on the health of this body, I'm a bit careless about that, but at Karuna's insistence I'm doing it. Also, now that I'm in Peru, I'm going to deal with the complaints that have been made to me. The astrologer told me that I was going to experience these events, in reality it's milder than he expected... But I must admit that I wasn't good at taking care of myself or protecting myself, I was very inflated... The force of destiny is usually very powerful.

Spiritually I am still trying to get closer to Srila Prabhupada as you suggested... I don't know if I can get as much love as you or your godbrothers and sacrifice everything to serve him... I don't know... But I have a strong desire to keep getting closer to him and follow that instruction. Not externally like before... The practice is different now, I have started from scratch, but I want to do it deeply... With a real sincere desire, not to practice for any other reason... And it is often difficult... So far it has been difficult, I think I am at the stage of recognizing that there was a lot of niyamagraha... And I am still, I am not expert in overcoming it completely... But I am recognizing "niyamagraha" especially "continuing for the sake of continuing" and when I recognize it I try to correct myself.

 So at this point, I regret to tell you that after so many years I am just beginning the process as it should be, in fact, I am still trying, it is my period of transformation I think...

I only regret having committed so many offenses at your feet, at the feet of Srila Prabhupada and at the feet of so many other devotees, family, friends, etc. I have not done anything serious, not even the complaints, but I am aware that we cannot satisfy everyone, and that I am sure that I will inconvenience many in some way, so that now it is reflected in my current karma...

So, I can only constantly ask for your forgiveness and Srila Prabhupada through you... I am sure that I will continue to make mistakes, because I am still a spiritual child, and I ask for your forgiveness in advance. I can't promise you not to make mistakes again, but I promise you that I will continue fighting...

And although I ask forgiveness from everyone I meet, I would like, through you, to also ask forgiveness from everyone, family, friends, devotees whom I have inconvenienced in some way, consciously or unconsciously, or committed offenses in some way. Now more than ever I understand that without the blessings of the Vaisnavas, no progress can be made... Effort alone is not enough... We need their mercy...

I hope you can forgive me.

And as I said, I am going to personally ask everyone I met... It is not superficial, I am really sorry and I feel very repentant.

I hope you forgive me...

HpS/ASA - Hare Krsna. AgtSP.

Paoho.

Nice to hear from you!

I think many readers feel it is nice to hear from you!!

People shock me emotionally, hurt me, but i remember that srila prabhupada says in one purport in ,?, the Gita, that we should not become our enemies enemy.

vaisasika das says, 'don't become a victim'.

stay in control of your own destiny.

listen... is the offense, assault, justified? O.K. correct it. there is no mistake that we cannot rectify.

is it some paranoia that the assailant has? are they projecting their problems on us superficially? then we should be madhyama adhikaris and avoid the demoniac.

hare krsna, hare rama,

in vrndavana only KRSNA and RAMA kill demons, except when HE empowers us to do it.

so... we have not been offended by you, we have nothing to forgive.

you are our fellow employee in srila prabhupada's busness!

What plans do I have? First of all, I was very afraid that you would ask me to take Sannyasa, because I am a bit fanatic with your instructions, and my fear was because I do not feel capable or qualified, and it is not my aspiration. I have a very marked tendency to develop envy of others towards me, probably because of my ego. I wonder what would become of me, being in the "focus" of Sannyasa...?

hps/asa - 🤔

Also helping Karuna to cure her demons helped me to cure mine (We are still working on that) and I feel very indebted to her, and I would like to remain as grhastha or vanaprasta in this life with her, I hope she wants to too, we are still married, and I hope you can understand that please.

hps/asa - sounds cool! sannyasa is very, natural, very practical, but for certain people. in general we should appreciate it as the standard for normal psycho social relations.

one meditation is how it will help karuna mayi devi dasi et al.

maybe i got ready for it in my last lifetime.

Also I have no talent to do big things... I was thinking what service can I do that can help you? And while it is true that I love education, academics make me feel rejected and I could never help you well, despite my efforts... I feel that my best service was being your servant... The Gurukul and other things were incredible, but serving you personally was the moment that I remember the most...

And I am doing my own therapy to accept that I will not be able to have your "vapu" association anymore in this life, and to resign myself to that and to not being able to serve you academically or to have found a service that pleases you... I am trying to overcome all that.

hps - can you develop some skill as a journalist? you have to find you 'voice'. that is nice. giving people chance to travel with you.

Thinking like this, I thought what service can I do for Srila Prabhupada? I hope I can please you too, but you see, I lack the talent to do great things...

hps - constantin stanislavskii: in the drama, there are no little parts, only little actors.

For all that and for some very small achievements in the Holy Dham, I have decided to serve you in the field of congregational preaching, to humbly try with my tools, so that the congregation can unite and organize itself and in that way develop Iskcon, seeking more and more as Srila Prabhupada wanted it to be done... Is that okay?

hps/asa 🐵👍👍👍 maybe work on a movie based upon real people. tell some stories about/for the community.

I know that I have asked you for me to resign from Iskcon and it may seem contradictory, but that is precisely where I see that I can help.

hps - we can resign from posts in the institutional iskcon, but not from the circle of iskcon friends, nor ultimately from being direct servants of srila prabhupada [though so many transparent via media].

any institution in kali yuga is imperfect. 80% perfection the best i hope for. then being sankirtan partners in a reasonably functional institution seems perfectionable.

It is enough of a challenge for me, and it is enough of a humble one for my little talent...

Is that okay with you? Or do you have another option for me?

hps - as above. five thumbs up. 👍

Up to this point, trying to be as honest as possible and with the greatest sincerity, I tell you that there are no more plans for this life on my part... If Krsna wants something, it will manifest through Srila Prabhupada and through you, we will be attentive.

hps - fine!

I love you very much Gurudeva, thank you very much for everything.

When can I repay this debt to you?

At your service, your aspiring servant AmD.

hps/asa - your association in choseeka, laksmana, many others was very inspiring to us. how can we all take birth in nabadvipa with NIMAI unless we get free from some attacments in this life.

now we will look at the rest of the blog 🐸 letters and maybe we can answer a few.

it, the position of the sun, is 5.40pm in richmond, va. our health is recovering a little from making the fifth, last DTC movie.

on the way to spain.

follow us on twitter.

we need a personal servant.

Querido Gurudeva, implorando tu perdón, acepta por favor, mis humildes reverencias.

Todas las glorias A Srila Prabhupada!!!

Espero que estés bien como siempre, tu cuerpo (sagrado para mí) es solo el vehículo para tu pasatiempo en este mundo... Antes me preocupaba mucho por tu salud física (espiritualmente siempre fuiste el más saludable) pero ahora se que Krsna te proteje muy íntimamente... 

Por favor perdóname por escribirte tanto, he estado postergando este reporte buen tiempo... También es una ofrenda a Srila Prabhupada en su Vyasapuja.

No soy bueno para decirte lo que hago, en líneas generales, viajando, tratando de apoyar a Iskcon como me lo pediste, en lo que se pueda, un poco de pujari, educación, kirtan y un poco de predica... Krsna está en el corazón y el sabe cuánto me he esforzado. Me encantaría mucho que sepas los detalles... Pero me cuesta mucho contartelo, perdóname por favor...

Por otra parte, mi etapa fatal astrológica "Rahu" está pasando (me falta un año), y a pesar que no seguí las precauciones, porque me sentí inflado, orgulloso y seguro... Y ya ves, no me ha ido bien... Pero está pasando, ahora solo me afecta físicamente, mentalmente pienso que estoy superando los problemas... Perdona hablarte en terminos astrológicos, solo quiero explicarme y contarte un poco de mí, y de como me encuentro internamente.

Ahora estoy en mi país, regrese para verme con Karuna, porque ella no podía ir a India... Elegí venir a Perú para verla, si no tendríamos que esperar un año más para eso... Ella está bien, también sigue sus votos y canta sus rondas... Solo fueron unas vacaciones de casi dos meses y luego volvió a Bahamas... Ella quiere trabajar, y yo he respetado su deseo. Pienso que como no lo hizo antes por cuidar a nuestros hijos, ahora quiere experimentar y aunque yo no esté de acuerdo, he respetado su decisión, y trato de apoyarla en lo que pueda... 

Sita está bien, también haciendo lo suyo, ahora con Sergio, su esposo también en Bahamas. Son buenos chicos, estoy seguro que pronto estarán mejor espiritualmente, igual que Arjuna, él vive en Perú con su esposa... Luchando materialmente, pero no les va mal y espiritualmente un poco fríos pero con muy buena conciencia... Estuve con él dos meses, es un muy buen hijo igual que Sita, cada uno a su modo. Perdóname por contarte de ellos recién, cuando me habías preguntado hace mucho...

Quizá estaba esperando estar en una mejor etapa. Ahora no es la mejor, pero estoy bien, no tanto materialmente porque sigo haciendo vida misionera y depender de Krsna, como me dijiste hace unos años ya. En fin, no es fácil... Todavía tengo ganas de volver a mi colegio y trabajar como antes o a emprender un negocio. Pero por ahora son solo motivaciones fuertes que vienen y se van. Ya van cuatro años y Krsna se está encargando...

Estoy tomando un tiempo para ver la salud de este cuerpo, soy un poco despreocupado en eso, pero por insistencia de Karuna lo estoy haciendo. Además ahora que estoy en Perú voy tratar las denuncias que me han hecho. El astrólogo me dijo que iba a vivir estos acontecimientos, en realidad es más suave de lo que el esperaba... Pero debo reconocer que no fui bueno cuidándome o protegiéndome, estaba muy inflado... La fuerza del destino suele ser muy poderosa...

Espiritualmente sigo tratando de acercarme a Srila Prabhupada tal como me lo sugeriste... No sé si pueda obtener tanto amor como tú o tus hermanos espirituales y sacrificar todo para servirlo... No lo sé... Pero tengo un fuerte desde de seguir acercándome a él y seguir esa instrucción. No externamente como antes... La práctica ahora es diferente, he empezado de cero, pero quiero hacerlo profundo... Con un deseo sincero real, de no practicar por ningún otro motivo... Y suele ser difícil... Hasta ahora ha sido difícil, pienso que estoy en la etapa de reconocer que había mucha niyamagraha... Y aún sigo, no soy experto en superarlo completamente... Pero lo estoy reconociendo "niyamagraha" especialmente "seguir por seguir" y cuando lo reconozco intento corregirme.

Entonces en este punto, lamento decirte que después de tantos años recién empiezo el proceso como debe ser, es más, aún lo estoy intentando, es mi período de transformación pienso...

Solo lamento haber cometido tanta ofensas a tus pies, de Srila Prabhupada y de tantos otros devotos, familares, amistades, etc. No he hecho nada grave, ni siquiera lo de las denuncias, pero si soy conciente que no podemos satisfacer a todos, y que seguro a muchos incomode de alguna manera, para que ahora se este reflejando en mi karma actual...

Así es que, solo puedo pedirte constantemente perdón y a Srila Prabhupada a través tuyo... Estoy seguro que voy a seguir cometiendo errores, porque aún soy un niño espiritual, y les pido perdón por eso anticipadamente. No puedo prometerte no volver a cometer errores, pero te prometo que voy a seguir luchando...

Y aunque pidiendo perdón con cada quien con quién me encuentro, me gustaría a través tuyo, también pedir perdón a todos, familares, amigos, devotos a quienes de alguna u otra forma conciente e inconscientemente incomode o cometí ofensas de alguna manera. Ahora más que nunca entiendo que sin la bendiciónes de los Vaisnavas, no se puede hacer ningún avance... No basta solo con el esfuerzo... Necesitamos la misericordia de ellos...

Espero puedan perdóname.

Y como dije, voy a pedirles personalmente a todos con los que me crucé... No es superficial, realmente lo siento y me siento muy arrepentido. 

Ojala me perdonen...

Que planes tengo? En primer lugar tenía mucho temor que me pidas que tome Sannyas, porque soy un poco fanático con tus instrucciones, y mi temor era, porque no me siento capaz ni cualificado, además no es mi aspiración. Tengo una tendencia muy marcada en desarrollar envidia de otros hacia mí, seguro por mi ego. Me preguntó que sería de mí, estando en el "foco" de Sannyas...?

Además ayudar a Karuna a curar sus demonios me ayudó a mí, a curar los míos (Aún estamos trabajando en eso) y me siento muy endeudado con ella, y me gustaría permanecer como grhastha o vanaprasta en esta vida con ella, espero que ella también quiera, todavia somos esposos, y espero puedas entender eso por favor.

Además no tengo talento para hacer cosas grandes... Estaba pensando que servicio hacer que pueda ayudarte? y si bień es cierto me encanta la educación, lo académico me hace sentir rechazo y nunca pude ayudarte bien, a pesar de mí esfuerzo... Siento que mi mejor servicio fue ser tu sirviente... Lo del Gurukul y otros fue increíble, pero servirte personalmente fue el momento que más guardo...

Y estoy haciendo yo mismo mi propia terapia para aceptar que no podré tener tu asociación "vapu" más en esta vida, y resignarme a eso y a no poder servirte académicamente o haber encontrado un servicio que te complazca... Estoy tratando de superar todo eso.

Pensando asi, pense que servicio puedo hacer a Srila Prabhupada? Que pueda complacerte a ti también, pero ya ves, me falta talento para hacer grandes cosas... 

Por todo eso y por algunas muy pequeñas realizaciones en el Santo Dham, he decidido servirlos en el ámbito de la predica congregaciónal, intentar humildemente con mis herramientas, a que la congregación pueda unirse y organizarse y de esa manera desarrollar Iskcon, buscando cada vez más como quería Srila Prabhupada que se hiciera... Está bien?

Se que te he pedido renunciar a Iskcon y puede parecer contradictorio, pero justamente es ahí donde veo que puedo ayudar.

Es suficientemente un reto para mí, y es suficientemente humilde para mí poco talento...

Te parece bien? O tienes otra opción para mí?

Hasta aquí, tratando de ser lo más honesto posible y con la mayor sinceridad, te digo que no hay más planes para esta vida de parte mía... Si Krsna quiere algo, se va a manifestar a través de Srila Prabhupada y a través tuyo, estaremos atentos.

Te quiero mucho Gurudeva, muchas gracias por todo.

Cuando podré pagar esta deuda contigo? 

A tu servicio, tu aspirante a sirviente AmD.