Personal Reflections

Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada; all glories to your good self, his devoted servant and disciple.

So many things have been going thru my mind since my last letter.

HpS/ASA - We, agtSP, have so, so, so..., so,..... so, ... so.. many thoughts that go through our mind, no? In one nights sleep, so many dreams, morphing into different things!

I think about the temple every single day still. I think about the devotees there: wondering how they are doing, if they ever think of me. I think about the offenses that I must have committed in my past life (lives); offenses that have led to this current separation from devotees: such agonizing sadness.

HpS - Visit once a month on Sunday with your pitbull tied up outside with a water bol. [Hari Bol!]

I sit outside in my backyard in the evening hours. It's peaceful and quiet. I find myself reflecting on what kind of life I was living before I came to Krishna consciousness: lost, dazed and confused.

As a child I was often lonely and alone, walking along the deserted beaches of NY, wondering why I was born.

As a young adult I got lost in the hippy world of drugs, sex and rock n roll: always asking myself what I was supposed to do with my life.

As my youthful years continued to pass on, I became more and more scared of a bleak future. It was then that I came to Krishna consciousness.


Now, I'm an old man...


...with most of my adult years having been lived as a devotee.

These days I find myself feeling sad because I still don't know what is Krishna consciousness;

HpS - Ha! Ha! Ha! Most people never ask!

Of those who ask, most people stop asking or caring, no?

I still don't know what is happiness, or what is love.

HpS - You must know or you would not be thinking that you don't have it, no?

Do you miss not having PeaMeakey?

I can only understand that I am getting older, and death is coming closer with each passing moment.

HpS - Then you will get a new body! You will be a Major League baseball pitcher with thousands of fans. Girls smiling to get you autograph.

You will be rich and famous

and ???? never go to Church on Sunday!!!

All the root beer you can drink.

Nothing for worth lamenting??

Or maybe we will all be with Nimai in Nadiya???

Yes, I understand the Bhagavad gita because I read it daily, even as much as I read Srimad Bhagavatam, chant Hare Krishna every day and worship my Deities every single day.

But my realizations are extremely shallow at best, and offer little comfort as a result.

Coming to terms and accepting these facts makes me very sad and unhappy.

My greatest moment of comfort is in the early morning hours, doing my japa in the peace and quiet of my living room temple, with some soft flute ambiance.

How I wish that those mangala hours could hold back the rising sun which results in dogs barking and people rustling and hustling about, disturbing my thoughts and meditation.

There is some solace when I am reflective on my life during those warm evenings in my back yard.

The evening air is cooling and inviting, pacifying my mind. Too bad the darkness follows soon afterwards.

HpS - What about your Uber clients? Any talk with them about the Taste in Water, the Light of the Sun.. the..??

Whatever happened to those evenings when devotees used to come to our home and celebrate Krishna katha, kirtan and prasadam? Where are they all now, in my hour of need for their friendship and association? So sad that they are so close, and yet so far. Where and when did I go wrong? In the Bhagavad gita Krishna says "suhrdam sarva bhutanam." He is the ultimate friend; He hasn't left me: and yet this loneliness and sadness prevails in my heart. How is it that I didn't see this period of separation and sadness coming?

I could go on and on in this manner in this letter, but I will not because I do not wish to simply lament for the sake of lamentation in some mood of self-pity. I simply needed to share these thoughts with you because I literally have no one else to share them with. Please kindly bless us, my wife and I; and kindly forgive me for annoying you with my foolish sentiments and thoughts.

Your lowly servant,


HpS - AgtSP. Paoho. Please talk with Niti-sara Das about what service you can perform at Banki bihari's Temple. What mistakes you should avoid and tell us the result!!