Dear gurudeva

please accept my obeisances

I share my husband's email XXX.com and send a copy of this letter to him too.

I am writing to you from project in Brazil. I have many things to tell you, but I have a

special topic that I am going to share with you.

Before your visit to Spain, something happened that has not been easy for me to describe,

but I have seen in recent months that by opening your heart and asking for

help, everything can improve and your false ego decreases. I also want you to

know a little more about me and be more transparent with you.

In December of last year, Narada (my eldest son) had very strange behaviors and outside of his

usual behavior, I was very anxious. Something inside of me, he told me, maybe

he was doing drugs. He began to be somewhat aggressive, telling lies, coming

home late, having bad company and what is common in those cases. I desperately

asked Prabhu Ananda to change schools, maybe move to the city, but he didn't

see it as a problem and we still didn't know what was happening. Some time

passed and he confessed that he had used a few drugs at one time. For me it was

a shock, news that I never expected. It was a very hard blow and I felt

devastated. I felt as if he had plunged me into such a deep pit, there would be

no way I could get out of it. I thought at times that it would be nice if

Krishna made some arrangement that would allow me and my son to die, before

seeing him plunged into drugs. I asked my family, friends, therapist for help,

I didn't know what to do. With this came a whole process of picking up things

from the past, all my mistakes. I understood that I was guilty for being

negligent with him, for being a bad mother, wife and devotee. For not being

patient and loving with him and especially for the countless fights I had with Ananda

since he was very little. I don't know, it could be so many things, but I took

my responsibility (gurudeva, you could not post the topic of Narada and drugs,

I still don't feel ready to share with someone else, maybe you could post some

abstracts of the letter that you think of help to others 🙏).

Prabhu Ananda and I had continuous strong quarrels and repeatedly thought of separating.

Since you are a sannyasi, I will not go into details about it, but I will only comment

on some points that may help someone else or just so that you know the

dimension of my situation and why I feel so grateful to you.

I was very discouraged with the devotees. Feminism, knowing about so much abuse,

information that was totally new to me, criticism and analyzing my marriage,

was too much and very very overwhelming. I was very immersed in mundane

activities at the time, so; the Narada event was like the result of many

activities that did not benefit anyone much.

We decided that we would give full attention to caring for our children and less to work, even

though that meant adjusting expenses, living with less, and prioritizing

spiritual development. When one goes through these situations, what matters

least is money and so many things in which one wastes valuable time. It all

seems so insignificant, because it really is and you just wish you had spent

more time doing activities to strengthen your spirit.

I immediately resigned from my last job in a Montessori school and despite the fact that I

was very bad inside, I sought more serious association with devotees and

searched everywhere for information on how to help my children, myself and get

ahead. . In reality, I did not know what to do, I had many opinions and I tried

to do everything, I even went to therapy that helped me a lot to understand

that humility is required to recognize that we are wrong and need help.

A week later we received an invitation to visit the temple in Malaga, so; we traveled and

stayed for a couple of days. I heard a lecture from H. H. Yadunandana Swami on

the importance of seeking the association of the pure devotee and how valuable

it is to be with devotees. It is as if you are dragged into doing things for

your benefit that seem impossible to do. So, I decided that I had to go looking

for you and that's how I got to Madrid.

So all those things happened before I met you.

And after all this, here I am. Everything started to happen as Krishna knows what is best for

us, it has always been like that, but I had not been so aware of that. I can

tell you that now I feel happy and satisfied. Cows, devotees, Prabhupada, pink

lotuses, beautiful flowers, incense, Krishna, cooking for Krishna, books,

classes, kirtana, everything Prabhupada has given us is so beautiful. Narada

and Rama are happy and healthy, the devotees and the cows have achieved so much

with them, they feel loved, protected, taken into account and little by little

they are liking more Krishna conscious activities. Narada feeds the minor cows

daily, cleans the gosala, always his clothes and body smell like cow dung and

milk 🐄.

I am learning from my easy or difficult situations, but with peace of mind knowing that I

have always had available an effective way to solve problems, to move on and

change your person completely: sadhu sanga and the holy name.

I don't know what will happen to Narada and Rama in the future, but I know that Krishna is

good and always grateful. So, I just have to pray for them and do my best to

provide them with necessary tools to serve them in their adulthood and see what

they themselves can achieve with the help of Krishna and his devotees.

I think that I have not had a successful marriage materially speaking, in fact, it has been

very disastrous, but without a doubt it has brought me closer to Krishna in an

amazing and successful way. Every situation, every problem, every difficulty

has led me to where I am now and I'm so happy about it. I am thankful for

everything I have experienced, but I think that maybe knowing some things

before getting married and having children could help to have a more stable

family without so many setbacks. We have made so many mistakes and I would like

to say that I won't make any more, but my reality is that it is a constant

trial and error.

I would like to share that when you are a mother and trying to be CK it can become very

difficult if you are NOT emotionally stable, it can be hell for you and your

children. So, the best thing is to acknowledge it and ask for help, but even

that is difficult because there may be a lot of ego in the heart, and the shame

or the feeling of wanting to appear normal or dedicated, is an obstacle. There

are many details that may be involved, but if we think that there will be no

consequences in the future with our children with what we are giving them

during their childhood, we are wrong. It is in adolescence where all the good

and bad that you could have taught them comes out; Of course, there is

individual karma, but I think it's better if you spend more love, time and care

during their childhood.

Gurudeva please forgive me for so much negligence and offenses. For so much wasted time.

 I especially want to thank you because because of you I am now here alive and

with a purpose. Every morning I am happy to know that I am a FREE being to

serve Krishna, which is the only thing that gives happiness.

Sorry for such a long letter.

He prayed to Krishna that the effort you make to listen and help us may be rewarded and you

may always be happy in your service to others.

Lotus feet of Srila Prabhupada.

Jay Srila Prabhupada!!

Your servant Havisara D. D.

HpS - Thank you for this very nice letter.

We are all violent, egoistic beast, pigs, in Kali yuga.

Look at the good side. You did not kill and eat your husband and children.

We are joking a little, but by contrast we should see that we have done many things right. We have note separated. We have taken care of our children, see that they get food, shelter.

We have not set and example of drug addicts etc for them.

O.K.

Here we are.

Next step.

Of course, send more news to the Blog.

You don't have to write confidential details, but the general principles will help everyone.

More news.

Thank you for all the hard work that you and your husband, and children, have done for this movement.