Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada, who has established this worldwide mission of Lord Chaitanya for the benefit of all souls; all glories to your good self, for your many years of selfless devotion to Srila Prabhupada.

I was chanting one of the "Gopinatha" prayers by Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakura, and reading over the translation. As I was reading the translation I began to realize more fully how these prayers were meant for me, just to help me realize my precarious position. It's kind of like "Now listen hear Balabhadra, you really don't understand you're in some pretty serious trouble here." There is no way that I can deny that my heart is still full of unlimited desires. How is it that I am able to keep up with my practice of sadhana bhakti in light of this truth is beyond me. There are times when I feel the need to shed tears because I feel so helpless and so useless as a devotee because of so many desires that don't allow me to be more sincere and determined in my life.

This summer marks 40 years since I received brahman initiation and when I began performng full time Deity worship, and yet I don't feel very brahminical at heart. But I do find that I feel hopeful when I have some small opportunity to give someone a book about Krishna consciousness, sharing what little I can. I'm not exactly a stalwart or empowered preacher or book distributor. The online classes that I give help to uplift me and keep me enthusiastic, although sometimes no one else is online, and I am alone. Still, I maintain these online classes even if no one shows up, because I heard on more than one occasion that Srila Bhaktisiddhanta had said "if no one comes to listen, then preach to the four walls." And so, that is what I do, to try and stay enlivened in my devotional service. Keeping up with my sadhana of chanting my rounds, following the regulative principles and being able to serve Sri Sri Radha Govinda on my altar is certainly of great solace, and thus I can feel some measure of hope.

HpS - AgtSP! Are you able to do some worship of Radha Banki-bihari?

I felt the need to write this small bit because I feel like I am in your association when I take the time out to share. I wish that I had more physical association of older devotees, such as yourself. I find great comfort and hope when I listen to the classes of older devotees: in particularly those who are disciples of Srila Prabhupada, but who are less known by the greater world of ISKCON, because of their of simple living as Vaishnavas. The Bhagavatam classes that come out of Hawaii each morning are especially enlivening. The devotees in that group are seasoned with some five decades of devotional service. So often their realizations are out of reach of the younger, lesser experienced devotees. Upfront they are "rank and file" devotees. In reality I consider such stalwart Vaishnavas to be the "unsung heroes" of Srila Prabhupada's movement. How I wish I could be worthy of their mercy and personal association.

I will close here, hoping that I have not committed some offense to any devotees, especially to your good self. I beg for your forgiveness in advance, if I have done so.

Your lowly servant,

Sriman Balabhadra dasa

HpS - Very nice. We just started a Whatsapp group to organize our ASA visit to Boise, and included you!

More news as it comes.