Hare Krishna, Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada, our founder acharya; all glories to your good self, you have extended Srila Prabhupada's mercy to useless souls like myself.

HpS/ASA - Hare Krsna!!!!

We just want your Dhira association.

I was trying to focus on my mangala arotika this morning, and as ususal my mind was running away with other thoughts. But this time I was wondering about what it means to have a personal relationship with Krishna because of engaging in Deity worship. I began to chastize myself mentally for not focusing on the actual business of Deity worship, and for trying to imagine what it's like to have a relationship with Krishna whilst trying to perform arotika. My mind recalled an incident from the Lilamrita, in which Srila Prabhupada chastized one disciple for the nature of his question, by saying "you have no right to ask such a question." I mentally applied this chastizement to myself, thinking "what right do I have to think about what my relationship is with Krishna? I can't get even momentarily put aside my material desires and attachments whilst performing artotika!"

And yet, I can't help but feel that there is a relationship between me and Krishna, even now, although my heart is plagued with worldly desires and attachments: some of them down right sinful. I began thinking of where would I be if suddenly I was to no longer have any Deity service. How empty my life would suddenly become, how lost and lonely I would feel if I didn't have something as simple and as tangible as Deity worship in my life. Practically speaking my entire devotional career has hinged on such a simple practice as Deity worship. Isn't this proof in itself that a relationship between Krishna and me is already there? The very thought of suddenly losing it would leave a blank and empty space in my life: like a huge hole that suddenly opened up as if in an earthquake.

HpS/ASA - Yeah! I was having exactly the same thoughts and realizations. We have a cordial friendship with our Deities. They are so kind. We just sit together and do simple things. If someone stole my Deities I would not be able to really live!

I guess I'm much more attached to the process and comfort of Deity worship itself, rather than its purpose of trying to please Krishna. I would like to think that Krishna is pleased with me, but given all of the sinful desires lingering in my heart, and given how I have to force myself to get up in the morning, instead of looking forward to my service, I can only pretend that Krishna is pleased with me.

HpS - One Peru devotee was a novice monk in Catholic order for several years and one of his classmates who was by nature very sexually agitated asked their spiritual master in anguish if the sex desires ever went away. The S. M. looked at him thoughtfully and said, "Yes, ten minutes after you die." SP said something similar. We are not sinful because we have sinful thoughts. That is natural from our birth. We are sinful if we don't respond to them with the proper intelligence that we have, no?

Furthermore, I haven't enough courage or good faith to surrender. Without surrender what kind of reciprocation can I possibly hope to receive from Krishna or even your good self? I need to close here, so that I don't embarrass myself further with more foolishness.

Your lowly servant,

BbD

HpS - Thank you. The Gopis are more surrendered than Mother Yasoda. We've surrendered smoking and drinking! What little surrender can we make today? Each little step is eternal!!!

Thank you. Your thoughts are very stimulating.