Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada, our founder acharya; and all glories to your own good self, for giving so much shelter to fools like myself, on behalf of Srila Prabhupada.

I found myself thinking just recently about Krishna's first instructions of how we are not this body, but eternal spirit souls. I understand the principle, and I accept it wholeheartedly, without doubt, because it gives me hope, in spite of my shortcomings as an eternal spirit soul. But sadly, I lack the realizations needed to be peaceful, and as Krishna says in the 2nd chapter of Bhagavad gita "How can there be any happiness without peace?" I reflect on the verse in Srimad Bhagavatam that say "with each rising and setting of the sun, death comes closer to everyone: except one who spends his life constantly chanting the holy names of the Lord." I have to confess that my chanting is not at all proper to qualify for the grace that is offered in this verse from Srimad Bhagavatam, and yet I have no choice but to keep on chanting, regardless of my failures to chant nicely.

I find myself wondering what it must have been like in so many previous lifetimes to exist in old age, struggling with disease, and to ponder the impending finality of death. Did I even believe in a next life? What was I thinking? How was I thinking? Was I confident of a better next life? Or perhaps I was even so brazen and so bold as to think that I wouldn't need to worry about my next life, because there wouldn"t be one on account of my devotional service. One thing I can say for certain, "I am not thinking like that now." I am not sure just how I am thinking. Sometimes I am nervous, and at other times I feel the confidence of Krishna's assurance of His protection for one engaged in His devotional service. How many times I must have gone through these same feelings, over and over and over, again and again and again, lifetime after lifetime after lifetime: perhaps even ad infinitum! And here I am once again, wondering about my past misdeeds and the impending future after death.

A very real part of me is afraid because I know I have so many misdeeds in this life. And yet another part of me is not intelligent to acknowledge such fear, as if there is some denial. It sounds a lot like Krishna's instructions in the 18th chapter on what is to be feared and what is not to be feared. I want with all of my heart to have unflinching faith, and something inside of me says that I do have it. And yet, I hesitate to act on such faith. This is odd, as it sounds like some mode of oxymoron in concept and in practice. I am obliged to confess that at the heart of my dilemma is this lack of true surrender. I want to surrender, I truly do with all my heart: and at the same time I want to surrender on my own terms.

All of these thoughts have been going through my mind lately, and so I thought that I needed to say them to someone: so why not you? I wish I had the courage, the good intelligence and the good faith to come forward and surrender. You have been so kind as to accept my meager, nonsensical efforts of devotional service, knowing full well that I am a fool. And it is for that reason alone that I have felt any sense of shelter and hope in my life as a devotee.

Your lowly servant,

Balabhadra dasa

HpSwami- Thank you. We remember Jayananda Das said that as long as we are chanting we are advancing.

So, you have made progress in this life.

All we can do is surrender to chant Holy Names, SB, instructions of SB, Bg.

THE MAGIC WILL BE DONE BY KRSNA.

🙂

It is better to chant than worry, no?