Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to his divine grace, Srila A. C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada. He sacrificed everything to fulfill the orders of his spiritual master, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati Thakur, and in so doing he spread this Krishna consciousness movement all over the world. And all glories to your own good self, for you are a beacon in the lives of many like myself, because you are completely surrendered to the service of Srila Prabhupada.

I thought to share something about my personal devotional service here at my home, and what is happening in my heart. I would like to first say that I struggle a lot with the feelings in my heart. It scares me to think just how deep my envy really runs, especially towards other devotees. I struggle so much with fear and anxiety because of it. I never thought that I would be in this position of being envious of other devotees, particularly in my later years of devotional service. Consciously I know that the devotees around me are truly very nice devotees, they are very sincere, kind and respectful. But inside of me there is so much anger because I feel like I deserve better from life. It's no wonder I suffer so much: who wouldn't?

Here in the shelter of my own ashrama, I continue to maintain daily sadhana, although sometimes my mornings are more difficult than others because of laziness, carelessness and ongoing offenses. Oftentimes I have to force myself to keep up with the practice of sadhana, because I have given the greatest measure of my life to this process of devotional service. I am convinced that there is no alternative to devotional service; there is no such thing as "second best." There's only the best and then there's the rest. From the very beginning of my life as a devotee I have always held this conviction, and it still holds true today. And yet, despite this truth I still have to force myself in the early morning hours to maintain some standard of sadhana. And still I am drowning in this vast ocean of material desires which torments me in my heart.

HpS - AGTSP paoho We have to push also, but so many habits, and adjustments to our environement, make it full of good results!

Each day still begins with waking the Deities, mangala offerings and arotika, Tulasi puja and guru puja, japa and reading from Srimad Bhagavatam. Bhagavatam class is given on an online chat site 3 times a week. Sometimes, when I am not so overwhelmed by the lower modes of nature my wife and I will continue with reading from the CC in the evening: other times I'm usually not so lucky. But the morning program is done every single day without fail and an evening arotika concludes each day without fail. On Thursdays, when I have finished cooking for Their Lordships at the temple I visit two devotees to distribute the prasadam. One devotee has been in ill health lately, and his wife is in a bad place mentally. The other devotee is a long time pujari from Detroit and from the old time Fate Museum in LA; he is now living here in Boise in an assisted living facility. Both of these devotees are disciples of Srila Prabhupada, and so I take prasadam to each of them every Thursday. Lately I have revived my preaching efforts of giving Bhagavad gita classes via the Boise Community Education program. I have a Powerpoint compilation for introducing the 5 subjects of Bhagavad gita in a very simple manner to the class. I did have a second class of this sort which I conducted in a tattoo parlor, but that had to be put on hold until whenever.

My wife is dealing with her own health issues, both physically and mentally; these problems never seem to 'let up' for her. By the time you peruse thru this letter she will have been in and out of the hospital for minor surgery, thus rendering her somewhat incapacitated for a while. Her mental challenges are as persistent as ever. It puts a great strain on us in terms of trying to remain enlivened in our spiritual life. It's easy to be surrendered when the prasadam is amazing, the kirtans are ecstatic, the classes are enlivening: not so when everything feels off, and nothing seems to go right. Oftentimes I have to reflect on the verse from the 10th Canto which reads "tat te nukampan su-samiksamano..." in order for me to have any peace of mind. Be it suffice to say that my wife is being very brave and persistent to keep up with her rounds every day, and she is very diligent with reading from the Krishna Book every night, as per your instructions.

HpS - Next life as Nimai's neighbor?

I will close here, ever hopeful that you will continue to bless us with your special mercy, in spite of our faults, foolishness and our weaknesses.

Yls, Bbd

HpS - Hare Krsna. Hope we are publishing enough on Twitter, Blog and Kapi Dhvaja so you can see that we have basically the same challenges as do you. One thing I see is that when I contact people that I knew many years ago who have been engaged as devotees, non-devotees, weak and stritch devotees, I can really see contrasts and comparisons in my own life.

There is no doubt that this process is great! Let us look at you next letter.