Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to his divine grace, Srila Prabhupada; all glories to you for your selfless and ceaseless service to Guru and Gauranga.

HpS - I guess some of our activities are selfless. Five percent? AgtSP!!! Thank you for your letter.

It has been a very long time since I have taken time out to write to you, but I think of you often and I find myself wishing that I had the drive and enthusiasm to keep in regular contact with you as so many of your initiated disciples do.

HpS - Some devotees join our programs regularly. Fifty, sixty???

We have different postion in Srila Prabhupada's Sankirtan, no?

Trombone, trumpet, clarinet, flute - Some of us boom, some of us toot.

I wish that I had such shelter of initiation as they do. There was a time in my life when I did; it seems like another lifetime ago. As I write this letter I can feel the hidden emotions arise within due to the nature of things in my life. I have always been afraid of replicating the enthusiasm of those earliest years of my devotional life: perhaps for fear of being hurt again.

There were a couple of times when Srila Prabhupada came to me in my dreams assuring me that I am still connected to him and to Lord Chaitanya's movement, but as wonderful and auspicious as such dreams are, they are still just dreams: ...

HpS - ASA --- Hey, being "awake" is dreaming while being absorbed in your senses, no? Experiencing on the mental platform can be better than the mental platform absorbed in the sensual platform.

... in my awakening state I often find myself extremely hesitant, fearful, and reluctant to go thru the formal process of re-initiation. Even I find myself envious of those who have such shelter. That is why I try and find the shelter and comfort of siksha guru. Is that enough? Sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

ASA - Diksa guru marries us to Krsna, parampara. If the priest who marries us has a deviation for some time, do we have to have another wedding?

On another matter, I have been sick with the common cold for the past week now, although I am now in convalscence. It wasn't covid, as my wife and I have both tested negative several times. As a young man I never gave any thought to the common cold: I simply went thru it, tolerated it, and came out some 3 weeks or so later. As an older man I can feel the very real threat of death, because of the of pain when I coughed, or the headaches due to not breathing nicely thru my sinuses, or the aches and pains in muscles and joints, or the pain because of being unable to sleep due to a combination of all these things.

I am reminded of Srila Prabhupada's statement in one purport in 13th chapter of Bhagavad gita, wherein he says "unless one has a pessimistic view of material life, there is no impetus for spiritual life."

I have had to compromise my sadhana greatly because of the cold. But by Krishna's grace I have at least been able to maintain my japa daily, as well as daily performance of mangala arotika and an evening arotika, and listening to some classes daily.

HpS - Good God, you all! You super man!!

On a final note, I remember very clearly how you have said more than once that the problems here in this temple are the same everywhere in other temples, and I have never doubted that.

Still, there are times when I wonder if it wouldn't make sense to move to a community where I could feel a greater sense of acceptance, involvement and peace of mind. Wouldn't it make sense to move, even though the problems are the same everywhere? I have lived here for well over 22 years now, and since the very beginning I have cried, and my wife and I have tried to stay and make things work for our devotional service, trying to accept all the reversals in our devotional relationships here as Krishna's arrangement, as part of the process of our personal purification.

HpS - Each Temple is different, no? Big temples like Los Angeles with many departments, and small temples where every devotee has a different relation with the Temple President. Different cultures in temples in different communities.

Always problems but they may change shape. Of course our contributions to the problems we bring with us, no?

This purport might be really inspiring. You know it? https://vedabase.io/en/library/sb/8/2/30/

At times I find myself envious of the success of other devotees around me, when here I am, having devoted 45 years of my life to serving Krishna, and I feel like I have nothing to show for it. At times a devotee would try and assure me that I am a very senior and very important member in the community, when I feel nothing like that. Is this intelligent thinking on my part?

HpS - Well, we are probably better off than Ajamil. Ha! Ha! Ha! He didn't have too much to show after forty years of work.

We surrendered to Krsna by the process of initiation, so that means He has never given up on us. So that means that we are making progress.

Look at the Ajamila.

One small service he did was name his kid, Narayana.

That was enough to foment a powerful reaction.

Boing.!!$!

!! Bink!

B! onk#!

Even now I ask myself, "Is this Krishna telling me something, or just some trick of Maya?" One thing I know for certain, without the shelter of a spiritual master, it could be anything. I sometimes reflect on Lord Chaitanya's final instruction of His Sikshastika prayers, wherein He prays "I know no one but Krishna as my Lord, and He shall remain so, even if He crushes me by His embrace, or makes me brokenhearted by not being present before me. He is completely free to do anything and everything, for He is always my worshipful Lord unconditionally." It's the rejection part that hits me.

HPS - It says that Radha rani then thought a prayer of advanced devotion. So maybe we need some evidence that Krsna is getting some benefit out of our efforts. I don't know your situation in much detail, but just seeing how your home is a very nice Ashrama makes it clear that Krsna is staying there and taking service.

That's all we want.

Prabhupada was a 'lifetime in preparation'. We are all different, no? Maybe we are two lifetimes in preparation. Then we can play Duryodhana and Dhrtarastra in Krsna lila.

I feel very lonely without the shelter of your association. I can't always feel comfort in the association of your initiated disciples: Maybe it's because I am not your initiated disciple and they are. Maybe it's because of the mood of the community. Or maybe it's just because they are all so much younger than me.

I will be participating in the upcoming Kirtan mela in Spanish Fork on Memorial Day weekend. I am hoping that I can discover something that will shed some light and understanding in my devotional service, and the event will not merely be some sort of emotional experience of momentary enlivenment because of the festive occasion.

HpS - Devotional service in not a matter of sentimental speculation nor imaginitive ecstasy, rather it is practical activity in the foreground of spiritual life.

So, look for practical preaching programs that you can lead and practical programs lead by others where you can make a significant contribution!

Eg. "Food for Lions"!

And with this much having been said, I will close here. I am always hoping to find shelter at your lotus feet.

HpS - Right now they are rather covered, unless one has better vision than we do so see them.

I am sure that inasmuch as Krishna shook hands with Lord Brahma in the beginning of creation, Srila Prabhupada is waiting to shake your hand on your way back to Godhead: Hare Krishna.

HpS - Maybe scratch us under chin?

Moooo!

Your lowly servant,

Balabhadra dasa

HPS ---- AGTSP. I think a lot of others will get good impetous from this post! See you spiritualize bag of bones, muscle and nerves in about two weeks, no?

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