Dear Maharaj

PAMHO AGTSP!

I have been doing some research on adults who were neglected as children (my husband, his mother and father both left his older sister and him under the care of a cook and cleaning maid to go to school on their own as his father lived out of country and mother lived out of town).

I’ve noticed he reacts to neglect with much more warmth than he reacts to love, and commitment from me. In fact he finds my commitment suffocating. When I didn’t speak to him for a week while living together (everything I came to even give him Prasadam he’s tell and shew me away), he was so much more loving (just in Feb), when I left home and moved to my parents’ place, again loving messages in March, then when I blocked him (unblocked him now) and didn’t speak for 2 weeks, showed some cold concern for me getting very sick.

He has trouble speaking his feelings, is very easily upset if I’m even slightly disappointed in him, told me I don’t woo him, wants to be the center of attention, praise, doesn’t let people in, doesn’t express, has developed several kinds of addictions (maybe as a result of childhood neglect), has an extreme desire to please his parents (make a 2-10 million dollar mansion for his parents) to maybe feel deserving of their love.

Its very tough to develop a relationship with such a person. How can neglect be used to grow the relationship and of course he doesn’t trust me. Maybe extreme wooing by another man’s desperate wife, has temporarily caused extreme attraction in him towards her. I’ve tried wooing him and he came back home, but it didn’t last and he went back.

I’ve been praying to Tulsi Devi for protecting my chastity. She even gave me rare chance of doing her Aarti in temple I felt as if she accepted my prayers. But I don’t know how to love my husband, help him come out of this unhealthy relationship with another man’s wife. Maharaj is there any diagnosis of these behavior patterns and how someone in a relationship with such a person should act with them?

HpS - Maybe, but I don't know what it is. The Jivas are part and parcel of Krsna. Ultimately He has given them some independence so to some degree even He does not know what they are going to do.

Eg. a father knows his 6-year old is not going to drive the car to the market and get a bank loan, but he knows that his son has the choice of doing his duty of feeding his dog or not, but it is an option that the boy has.

I have been in equally complicated situations in Temple management and one comment of Srila Prabhupada worked: Don't leave, don't deviate. Do the service that you KNOW Srila Prabhupada wants you to do eg. 1st chant 16-nice rounds live or die, then the four principles strict, etc.

Change your life around getting these done.

Then you will see that all the other options eg. live with husband, parents, brother, B'carini ashrama... will gradually become completely clear. You won't even have to think about them much.

HK/HR!!

Your home is in heaven. Your only happiness here is getting free from material attachments so you can go home!

Your aspiring servant,

Yajnaseni DD