Dear Maharaj,

PAMHO AGTSP

Maharaj, thank you so much for your time and wonderful guidance despite so many health problems! You dedication to serving Guru and Krsna is unfathomable 🙏!

HpS - Hmmm! 60% sincere??? AGTSP!!!!

My limited capacity, becomes enough due to your guidance 🙏. Trying to maintain decent sadhana. Chant 16 rounds 5:30am (sometimes unable due to insomnia/anxiety caused by marriage. Those days I try to chant up to 32rnds to make up for it). 1hr hearing daily, and 1hr reading (not stable yet). Aartis I haven't been able to include yet. Cleaning and cooking regularly. Trying to add nice words of praise spoken to husband daily to this list as part of my sadhana.

HpS - 🙂 We really really hope that your marriage becomes nice!!! Yet, is Kali yuga so maybe it will be a well fought failure! 😁 Even that is very satisfying and then we die! How many husbands have we had in how many lives??? Krsna is waiting for us and all those husbands and others to get back in the proper place. 🙄

Sometimes his mood is very tough to handle. He has assumed a mood of my way or highway very strongly, so when I find it deeply humiliating I take shelter of hearing. I've decided not to speak any harsh words. I understand any confrontation means I have to yield, otherwise there will be a head on collision. Most unpleasant interactions I have resolved by rerouting my methods of fulfilling my needs to not incorporating him. I experienced unforseen difficulties in above practices when we went out on weekend and shared hotel room (our sleep schedules are almost 4hrs apart) and when I got very sick recently. Some expectation for love and care appeared in my heart, but was met with invalidation. I understood to not expect anything from him even in the worst situations.

HpS - Hmm! That is real love. Love is not a sentimental reaction. It putting the welfare of others first. What was Mandodari's relation with Ravana?

I struggle to assume mood of "how can I serve". Whenever consciousness is deteriorating I hear lecture to survive this phase of marriage. Recently I heard that although Kunti Maharani herself was going through so many difficulties, when she met Krsna she was enquiring about the welfare of others 🙏.

HpS - .... and still she fell victim to the beautiful smile of Surya Deva?? 🙂 After killing Duhsasanan, Bhima addresses him say, 'Farwell cousin, we were not born to be happy."

Such exalted personalities. I'm trying my best 🙏. Some days I feel a lot of dismay, is it going to stay like this forever.

HpS - No.

Then I have to remind myself, nothing stays the same for long.

HpS - Yes! Just a fact!!! What's next???

But this narrative of don't tolerate insult, don't stay where people don't respect you, don't deserve you is so loud at times, it drowns out the be self-satisfied, compassionate, forgive, tolerate for higher principle narrative. Again at such times I try to hear 🙏 and reset consciousness.

HpS - Have some fun. Be enthusiastic to help people in their Dharma, but also have some patience and some nice time with your brother.

We have a question regarding intimacy in marriage, as an application of the 4th relative principle 🙏.

HpS - Ooops! 🙊 🙉 🙈 😎 This doesn't seem like a topic for a Sannyasi. For this you need an Ashrama guru. Nice Ghrastha lady in ISKCON. It is like the Pandavas had Dhaumya and Drona as two different types of Gurus.

We are Diksa gurus, and Siksa gurus in certain terms?

Going to be initiated soon?

Follow deleted?

xxx

I guess this letter is an account of my strugglesome, shaking practice 🙏, my lack of spiritual intelligence to fathom how to act in the situation and my many strong anarthas 😔🙏.

HpS - Interesting. That is mostly why we write the Kapi Dhvaja!

We have and continue to survive only by hearing your loving voice in our mind 🙏. Our only motivation now, to not fail you, who have invested so much in us from childhood. All other material reasons to remain in this marriage Krsna has mercifully shattered 😂.

Your aspiring servant,

Yajnaseni DD

HpS - If you have to walk out of any situation on to the street with nothing but your breath, to save your constant Hari Kirtan, do it. Then Krsna will give you a nice place to sit down and after doing more Hari Kirtan he will give you intelligence how to confront the situation, and He will also take a personal hand in the situation while you are out in the fresh air!!

Then they will add our names to the list:

Kunti.

Draupadi.

Mandodari.

...