Respected Maharaja,
Please accept my respectful obeisances.
All glories to Srila Prabhupada.
All glories to Sri Guru and Gauranga for giving the most valuable gift of the Holy Names to everyone in this fallen age, without seeing any qualifications.
Dear Maharaja, I firstly wanted to really thank you a lot for guiding my wife. She has had a really tough, past 8-10 years in her life.
Although her parents did what they thought best for her, by uprooting her from USA and bringing her to India, the manner in which it was done has left deep scars in her.
As you know her, she always tries her best to follow her authorities, no matter how tough it gets for her, similarly she is trying to follow what you told her, with respect to maintaining this marriage no matter what.
She has many good qualities, with respect to her dedication and desire to follow, but somehow, with me, the worst part of her nature manifests on an almost daily basis.
I've made a very big mistake in getting married to her, without realising what it would take to keep her happy. I thought I could get better in spiritual life and earn her respect, but have failed miserably in doing so.
Although I chant 16 rounds almost everyday (barring one or two days in a year) the quality is very bad and has perhaps only deteriorated over the years, due to many factors, one major factor being the constant fire fighting needing to be done in marriage.
She has very very different expectations from a husband than who I am - she wants some one who is in constant awe of her and admires her more than anything in his life, who works when she desires and spends the rest of the time with her, in exactly the way she desires.
Working in India, I don't know anyone who can do this, even in government jobs, what to speak of in private jobs.
On top of it, there is constant friction with her finding it tough to adjust with India.
She has very expensive tastes (eg. The only flat she liked in India, is costing 1000 US Dollars a month) and is somehow under the impression that she doesn't, and despite trying hard to provide for all of it, she is very unhappy. When I had met her, with her parents, she was happy living in 1/5 th of such expenses and her lifestyle was much humbler. But I never say this to her.
The toughest thing to deal with, are her constant mood swings, which get very violent, very frequently. Even the smallest of things, can touch her ego and then the entire day and night will be the most miserable, excruciating experience one can imagine, in which I have to constantly hear her verbally abusing my Spiritual teachers and my parents - constantly.
Even if she is upset with something I did (or did not do as per her expectations) or said, she will bring in my Spiritual teachers or parents or all of them and start abusing and villifying them. If I say something to explain their point of view, it gets even worse.
If I try to go to other room to avoid her saying such bad things, she will follow me there. If I try to goto other room and lock myself, she will get even more agitated and try to break things or hurt herself .
If I try to keep quiet, to let her vent out, she gets agitated that I'm ignoring her as I'm not saying anything. This goes on entire day/night. If she can't sleep due to some mental or emotional distrubance, she can't let me sleep either.
Even though I try to say things to pacify her, I'm an utter failure in that. I don't know how to pacify her, despite trying my best, and praying to Krsna to give me intelligence in what to speak or do, I daily miserably.
Like this, there have been many sleepless nights irrespective of whether it's a weekday or weekend, whether I have to work next day or not. Then next day, obviously I'm late to work, work late into night and that escalates things even more
I'm pleading and begging you to please, kindly reconsider this situation. I'm willing to accept all responsibility and consequences, all bad karma of legal separation in this marriage, please allow her to do so. I don't think this is what you meant when you asked her to make the marriage work, but I think it's beyond both of us to make it work, and we have tried a lot for past 3 years to make it work.
I really really cannot keep on hearing the bad things she has to say about my Spiritual teachers and my parents on a regular basis (at least 2-3 times a week). Earlier the frequency was even more.
I am really falling at your feet and begging you to please allow this. I don't have any peace of mind or heart.
By separating , at least there is a chance of my being able to improve my Sadhana and her not committing Vaishnav offence on regular basis, by thinking and speaking ill of my Spiritual teachers due to all the bad feelings I cause her, being in her life.
In my opinion she is trying to follow the instruction of making the marriage work, but it's well beyond her capacity due to our differences and all that frustration is coming out in anger towards me, my parents and my Spiritual teachers.
I'm an insignificant person Maharaj and I made mistake of marrying her, she cannot be happy with me, nor even neutral with me, despite my best efforts.
I've really tried what best I could do Maharaja, and I'm not saying I've done a lot, I just have a lot, lot of shortcomings and I don't think she can be happy with me. I tried to be as honest as possible before marriage to tell her all of my shortcomings and never tried to cheat her or hide anything from her, before marriage, and even until day of court marriage I had asked for her consent for marriage. But obviously, all of this is insignificant/irrelevant now.
Apologies for the very verbose letter Maharaj.
Apologies for taking up so much of your time for my insignificant life.
Just wanted to end with begging you to, please, please reconsider. Please.
Your incapable servant,
Go-dasa
HpS - ASA -- Hare Krsna! Ooof. Finally we have a chance to hear things from your lips. I think I know who you are and it was very nice to meet you. I was impressed that you are a very nice person, and from the beginning I had some sense that some of the conflicts that you describe might be there.
Honestly speaking, in the Kali Yuga, it seems that any marriage means compromise and conflict. I had a similar experience, but one time was enough. I feel that I and my wife really tried our best to adjust the situation but in the end she seemed fixed on the idea of "four principles or me". Of course, this was in the 1970s in the USA and generally if your were vegetarian people thought that you must be a homosexual or a Russian Communist agent.
Knowing what I know now, I think I could have made some basic adjustment that would have made a practical situation for everyone involved, but.... I didn't know then what I know now and neither did anyone else, so in the end it seemed that everyone moved ahead to their proper situation.
I remained as a b'cari and took Sannyasa, she got remarried after six years (which Parasara says is Dharmic in Kali-yuga) to a man who seemed to be in more psycho-social compatibility with her good self.
The dog was adopted by a farm family and never looked back,
My son???? I have a thought of him every day etc.
So... we cannot give detailed advice without detailed knowledge and that is very difficult to obtain in these circumstances.
Of course, in our culture there is no such thing as 'divorce'. The husband may take a second wife, but he must give proper live and affection to the first. Of course, that is independent of the fact whether see is sane or insane. Until we learn to lover everyone we will never be worthy of everyone's love.
It is our independent free choice.
Of course, in the Madhyama adhikari stage this means learning to avoid the things that make us hate them. That is part of our independent process of love.
What about physical separation for some time.
Your good wife lives with her Fathers family for some time and you cook for your self?
Again, we are just giving friendly advice to everyone involved. We do not have a formal relationship with anyone.
I hope that when you say "Go-das" you mean that you are servant of Krsna's cows.
Vibhisana told Rama that living in Lanka as a Vaisnava was like being a tongue surrounded by sharp teeth.
😎