Hare Krishna Maharaja, please kindly accept my most humble obeisances; all glories to Srila Prabhupada, our founder acharya; all glories to you for your devotional service to Srila Prabhupada and Krishna.
It's Sunday evening, and I was doing my evening arotika just minutes ago. The house is very quiet and feels empty, although it is not. As I was doing my service, I found myself thinking about all the arotikas that I have been doing over all my years as a devotee: particularly in Denver, where I was first trained as a pujari on the altar some 37 years+ ago. Because the house was feeling so quiet and peaceful during the arotika ceremony I felt this great emotion arising from within.
HpS - ASA -- !!
I found myself thinking of how I've never had any second thoughts or doubts in my entire career as a devotee about coming to Krishna consciousness. I wonder why Krishna hasn't sent me away, because of so many sinful desires in my heart. It's not like I have some special realizations whereby Krishna deems me as someone of special importance or significance.
HpS - According to our understanding of Sanantan Goswami we are ALL of special importance. We are designed to fill a unique need!
The very idea that I am still doing arotika, in spite of still having so many material desires, brought tears to my eyes: even as I was performing my service to Their Lordships. I can understand the concept of "causeless mercy" in principle, but the realization of such mercy still escapes me: or else it is very, very shallow at best.
I often find myself thinking of the shelter that you have given my wife and I over the years, particularly during our years of isolation. At times I still feel so very isolated. Too many sinful desires in my heart. These thoughts brings tears to my eyes too. I just wish that I could say or do something to express some sincere gratitude for your kindness.
HpS - I think if Srila Prabhupada was putting your and me in cases in the tool box we would go in the same case. We have a little bit different Karma etc. so our situations are a little bit different, but I think that am just as bad as you, and any 'mercy' that I give has some little, little credit to me, but is mostly Srila Prabhupada using a bad tool to accomplish his goals.
However, I feel like such an incompetent old fool, set in his ways and unable to have any serious change of heart. What a hopeless and helpless case I am!
HpS - Like it or not in a few more years we either be in our Siddha svarupa (unlikely) or be incompetent YOUNG fools again! 🙂 But maybe we can take birth in Nabadvipa with Nimai and Srila Prabhupada, and join the fun right from the beginning!
Lately we have been inviting the devotees over to our home once every other weekend just for kirtan and prasadam. It seems to be going well, or so the devotees all tell me. I have shared with them how I would like to invite each household over to our home on a "one on one" basis: just to chant japa together, read together, and take prasadam together. I look forward to the shelter of your blessed association.
HpS - Super, SUPER, S U P E R ! Karuna virus, Ki Jai!
Your lowly servant, BbD
"Even fleas have little fleas that bite them, " William Blake. Servant of your servant, HpS. Let's go to the next letter.